Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016

     Perennial Republican contender Mitt Romney has recently decided that he will not seek the presidency for a third time in 2016. His reason, as he told potential investors supporters in a conference call was, "I’ve decided it is best to give other leaders in the [Republican] Party the opportunity to become our next nominee." Romney's departure from the field frees up a lot of cash and delegates while at the same time not supporting the heir apparent to the Republican nomination, Jeb Bush. But Mr. Romney told his supporters there were other reasons for withdrawing his name from consideration. What were they?

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10) Slowly dawning realization that being unemployed isn't so tough, after all.

9) Losing $10,000 bet that he was more unpopular than HIV in the Castro.

8) Skull session with Jeb Bush in Salt Lake City earlier this month ended with Karl Rove slipping a length of piano wire in his luggage. 

7) Unwillingness to stand more of Ann's constant notes in his lunches such as, "Every day you don't kill a 43 percenter is like a day without sunshine."

6) Last Christmas Eve was haunted by three ghosts of Seamus, John Lauber and the IRS Commissioner.

5) Presidential campaign would've conflicted with preplanned barbeque with Joseph Smith in the Kolob star system.

4) Became suspicious when his most ardent backers turned out to be Hillary Clinton voters.

3) Discovered Sarah Palin wanted to be his running mate.

2) Josh's announcement he couldn't get a good price on all the Diebold voting machines necessary to ensure a Romney victory, which would've been virtually all of them.

1) Apparently, the other 53% of the electorate only make up 1%.