Wednesday, November 29, 2017

Assclowns of the Week #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition

     Gobble, gobble, lads and lasses! Now that we've eaten all the Thanksgiving leftovers, the nation looks forward to the Christmas holidays and the madness that goes with it. And by madness, I don't mean just Black Friday Thursday Wednesday but the assclowns on Capitol Hill running wild on the Potomac like the expensively-upholstered jackals that they are. To wit:
     Jailbird Jimmy O'Keefe (2) for trying to punk the WaPo and failing spectacularly; Donald Trump (10, 8, 6. 5 and 1) for desecrating yet another occasion and Franklin Graham (9) for essentially saying, "Let's give child molesters a chance." So jump aboard the hay ride and let's review this week's assclowns and much, much more!

10) Donald Trump

     It's hard to imagine a "president" who's been more disrespectful to party leaders, especially Democrats than Donald fucking Trump. Honestly, even Bush at the nadir of his so-called presidency never dared to informally call Minority Leaders Nancy Pelosi or Chuck Schumer by their Christian names let alone "Chuck and Nancy." But this was the tweet that Trump sent out that put the kibosh on the proposed meeting between him and the Democratic party leaders.

     In other words, according to the guy who had ghost-written for him a mega hit entitled The Art of the Deal thinks the best way to deal is to automatically invalidate and reject out of hand the perceived proposals of those with whom you're about to negotiate. In other words, "My way or the highway," which will get you nowhere at warp speed in politics. But this is what you get when you elect a clown with no political experience whose "art of the deal" had earned him four bankruptcies. Thanks again, hillbillies.

9) Franklin fucking Graham

     If I had a time machine, perhaps the first thing I'd do is go back to 1951 North Carolina and give Billy Graham a condom.
     Because what else can you say about a religious huckster who demonizes Muslims and the LGBTQ community then defends an accused child molester like Roy Moore? Because, you know, the enemy of my enemy is my friend and Senator of a state I don't live in. Last Tuesday, Graham ripped a page out of Donald Trump's playbook and used the annual Samaritan’s Purse Shoebox Celebration in Charlotte, NC to defend accused pedophile Roy Moore and even had the nerve to bring up Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinski. In fact, Graham amplified his statements by writing on Facebook, "I met Roy Moore when I was in Alabama last year, and I talked to him a few days ago from Norway and asked him if these allegations were true. He said absolutely not." Like when Trump supposedly asked Putin during the Asia trip if he had anything to do with subverting the American electoral process and Vlad said, "Nyet" and Trump said, "See? Nuttin' t' see 'ere." In other words, he said it, I believe it, that settles it.
     Problems with that, O Billy Graham's wasted sperm: #1, you weren't in Roy Moore's house in 1979 when he came on to that 14 year-old child and, #2, at least Monica was of consenting age.

8) Donald Trump

     Yes, in the space of two generations, we've gone from "Ask not what your country can do for you but what you can do for your country" to this dog shit. In the wee hours of Wednesday morning, our Chief Executive thought retweeting this video of a boy getting tossed off a roof and beaten to death would be a good idea. The problem is, it was posted on the account of Jayda Fransen, who's essentially the UK's answer to Pam Geller, retired mob wife and self-appointed Islamophobe Laureate of the US.
     And that was just the third in a series of retweets Trump made early Wednesday morning from this psychopath, all with the intention of showing Muslims in the worst possible light. The problem with Trump is that he either doesn't realize, or (even worse) realizes all too well, of the awesome magnification and amplification the highest office in the land gives him. He's like one of those naked toddlers who took the stage at Woodstock between acts, only with none of the cuteness, and is obviously trying to incite violence against innocent Muslims who are already on the shit list of his red meat supporters.

7) Wes Goodman

     A little over a week ago, another fundamentalist Christian and married family man, a former Ohio State Rep, was caught literally with his pants down. This time it was the ironically-named Wes Goodman who was bagged having sex with another man in his official state office. Goodman did Ohio a favor by doing this before his first term was even up. And what was Goodman's defense? He said that his packing fudge with the other guy was "consensual." Which, of course, isn't the issue. The issue is that Goodman ran on a family values platform and voted against any measure that would give any sort of rights and relief to the LGBTQ community. And, typically, GOP leaders in Ohio knew about the allegations and tolerated his hypocritical behavior, anyway.

6) Donald Trump

     Apparently, the Trump Foundation thinks among the worthiest recipients of its largesse is Project Veritas, the nation's foremost and premiere video editing service for the right wing. In newly released documents, it came out that in 2015, Trump's foundation donated $20,000 to Jailbird Jimmy O'Keefe's Project Veritas. The original filings for the Foundation had shown just half of that donated to Veritas.
     This essentially means that the crazy old man who lives on 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue who constantly screams about fake news is subsidizing fake news. This comes as a very interesting development considering the stunt that O'Keefe had recently tried with the Washington Post in an effort to destroy the credibility of the paper, hence Roy Moore's accusers.

5) The Trump Administration

     In the latest of a seemingly never-ending string of laughably inappropriate appointments and nominations, Donald Trump thought it would be a corker of an idea to appoint Crack Whore Barbie, aka Kellyanne Conway, to the top post of fighting the opioid epidemic. It's hard to see just how Conway is qualified for a top post that until lately had been occupied by Chris Christie who, as New Jersey's Governor, had an honest, vested interest in fighting this health crisis. Conway's a shyster and ran a polling company.
     Really, Donnie Dumbo? This was the best you could do? What happened? Was Keith Richards not available?

4) The Koch Brothers

     "Hey, Dave."
     "Yeah, Chuck?"
     "Bezos bought the Washington Post for a quarter billion."
     "Yeah, I heard. So what?"
     "Let's buy a bunch of magazines for nearly three times that much under some company named Meredith."
     "What do you have in mind?"
     "Time, People, Sports Illustrated, Fortune... You know, Time, Inc."
     "Well, that's one way to get Trump's jiggling orange puss on Time's cover."
     "Bwah ha ha ha!"
     "Bwah ha ha ha! That'll show Bezos!"
     "Let's wear our thongs for the cover of the Swimsuit Issue!"
     "Bwa ha ha ha!"
     "Fuck it, let's do it."

3) Congressman Joe Barton

     In an eerie and, frankly, repulsive reprise of The Blob, Joe Barton channeled his inner Weiner and showed his outer weiner in a nudie text message to a woman who wasn't his estranged wife. But here's the kicker: Unlike in the Weiner case, which resulted in a prison sentence for the former Congressman, Sarah Dodd of Dodd Communications, spinmeisters hired by Barton to do damage control, said this is a case of "revenge porn" and "is a violation of his privacy."
     In other words, Barton's the victim here. For texting pictures of his little oil derrick. To a woman to whom he wasn't married. And reasonably expected, in a climate that's fatal and toxic to sexual abusers, to never leak out. But what can you expect from a guy who actually said this about wind power on the floor of the US House?


2) Jailbird Jimmy O'Keefe

     Let it not be said that Jailbird Jimmy O'Keefe, journalist provocateur/telephone repairman/wouldbe New Hampshire voter/Occupy Wall Street protester/Pimp Daddy/election influencer, isn't a job creator. In fact, just a few days ago, O'Keefe hired a woman to pose as a Roy Moore rape victim, telling a cock and bull story to the Washington Post about her getting pregnant by him in 1992 and having to get an abortion. This half-assed actress, Jaime T. Phillips, tipped her hand by asking the WaPo reporters if her story was going to derail Roy Moore's senate run.
     One of the problems that cropped up immediately, that our fourth rate Inspector Clouseau didn't bother checking up on was Phillips not taking down her GoFundMe drive (Funny how anti-socialist right wingers love the socialist structure of crowd sourcing when it suits them, isn't it?) dedicated to fighting the "liberal MSM". Then, without knowing she was tailed, drove to Veritas' HQ (located in a strip mall between an Albanian hair removal salon and Kevin's Authentic Indian Food) and walked in for an hour-long meeting with, presumably, O'Keefe. Then the WaPo ambushed O'Keefe that day, thereby making Jailbird Jimmy commit the biggest cardinal sin of journalism- Becoming the story.
     Really? Is this right wing stooge the guy who brought down ACORN with a badly-edited and misleading video?

1) Donald Trump
     If by some miracle Trump survives that long, I can see his next trick being having Holocaust survivors at the White House and under a portrait of Adolph Hitler making Anne Frank jokes.
     Early this week, Trump hosted a trio of the surviving Navajo Code Talkers, without whose help we could have lost the second world war, before a portrait of Andrew Jackson. That was bad enough, in having prominently displayed throughout the entire ceremony the portrait of a guy who brought about the Trail of Tears in which tens of thousands of Native Americans had died as they were forcibly removed from their lands when Jackson signed the Indian Removal Act.
     But then Trump, as usual, had to drag the event into his particular primordial ooze by taking a page from former Senator Scott Brown's campaign and calling Massachusetts senior Senator Elizabeth Warren "Pocahantas" during an event intended to honor the Navajos. This, predictably, resulted in a swift backlash within minutes from Warren on Trump's favorite network. Really, can anyone recall a single instance in which Trump didn't take a pot shot at some perceived enemy at an event intended to honor and not dishonor someone or a group?

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