Who the Fuck is Mike Johnson?

(By American Zen's Mike Flannigan, on loan from Ari)

"Mr. Johnson’s quick ascent came when members of the conference were worn down and ready to accept someone whom they did not view as an obvious choice or the party’s natural leader in waiting. Instead, he cleared a lowered bar: They view him as someone sufficiently conservative and who they do not personally despise." - Annie Karni, the New York Times.

It all happened so quickly and resolved itself in a way that even all but a few House Republicans foresaw. After better than three weeks without a Speaker, three weeks of a ceaseless Republican clown show, it shook out like this:

     After introducing a motion to vacate, Matt Gaetz, the maestro of the aforementioned Republican shit show, cost Kevin McCarthy his job. Steve Scalise, the Majority Leader, got nominated, then was out a day later. Then Jim Jordan got the nod and, after a bellicose and mean-spirited intimidation campaign that actually involved a MOC's wife, after three votes that saw him get fewer and fewer votes, Jordan was out. Then it was Tom Emmer's turn in the dunk tank and he didn't even last a day.

     Enter Mike Johnson, the Bucky Dent of national politics, minus the soft, improbable home run that briefly brought glory and victory. Or more like Ed Armbrister, a guy who just got in the way in the right place at the right time.

 

    Before anyone knew what was happening, we had a House Speaker. It was like John Cleese's Sir Lancelot, eternally at the same distance, sword in hand, madly running toward the castle, then suddenly he's on top of us, hacking away with gleeful abandon.

     Mike Johnson? Who the fuck was he? Even political pundits like yours truly began Googling his name, looking up his voting record. Whoever this bird was, he was certainly hitting below the Mendoza Line. Prior to yesterday's vote, Johnson was just another of nine candidates, including the aforementioned Tom Emmer, the Minnesota Republican who had to temerity to vote to certify the 2020 Electoral College results and, most unforgivably, voted in favor of LGBTQ rights. For a few days, it looked like a MAGA version of an Agatha Christie novel. And then there were eight, seven...

    Then, bloated with hubris and arrogance and pretending very convincingly that over the last three weeks they did not make our government the laughingstock of the world and showing it the chaotic dysfunction formerly peculiar only to banana republics, House Republicans bunched up behind their newly-anointed Speaker for their first post-election press conference.

     ABC's Rachel Scott asked Johnson about his vote to overturn the 2020 election results. She was met with laughter, shouting and Virginia Foxx, who literally is older than dirt, yelling at her to "shut up". Foxx, it ought to be mentioned, is the chair of the House Education and Workforce Committee. Of late, she is best-known for shaking her bony little fist at reporters and screaming at them to get away from Members Only elevators.

The Accidental Speaker

 

Occasionally, politicians, especially nonentities like Johnson, hit the lottery and with minimal effort. The supreme exemplar of this is Gerald Ford, the only man to ever ascend to the vice presidency then the presidency without being elected to either position. And then there are guys like Mike Johnson.

     Johnson obviously was the last man standing in the GOP's War of attrition on itself. He is, as Annie Karni tartly observed in the NY Times, "(S)omeone sufficiently conservative and who they do not personally despise." (In other words, to paraphrase Harvey Dent, someone who hasn't hung around long enough to see himself become the villain.) 

     Plus, he was endorsed by Trump! Just like Jim Jordan was. Of course, Trump's tiny-handed fist-pumping of Johnson has a little to do with Johnson voting to decertify the election results in 2021 and even more to do with the incalculable damage he can do as House Speaker on January 6, 2025. I'm sure Trump's already got his cell phone number on speed dial, already planning on giving him the Mike Pence treatment no matter how hard Biden kicks his fat, pasty ass.

     So, again, who the fuck is Mike Johnson?

    Well, on top of voting to decertify the results of a free and fair election, the meddling of which made Trump an indicted conspirator in Georgia, Johnson signed his name to an amicus brief to the ridiculous lawsuit filed by impeached Texas AG Ken Paxton, who went to the Supreme Court in a comically Quixotic attempt to overturn the results of the election in four states, none of which being Texas.

     Of late, he's also vowed to cut off funding for Ukraine, turn on the money spigots for Israel and has been a reliably right wing voice in opposition to abortion and LGBT rights. He co-hosts a podcast with his wife that frequently pissed and moaned about Trump's two impeachments and probably his four indictments.

     In short, Johnson promises to be nothing more or less than a cock puppet of Donald Trump, who is himself a cock puppet of Vladimir Putin. Yes, the 56th Speaker in US history is also the first one to hold the gavel who's an insurrectionist. He'll be the first one to see to the interests of not one dictator but at least two.

     He was simply the relatively fresh barfly sitting by himself at last call, the enemy plane who flew just far enough beneath the radar to slip in. It'll be interesting to see how nicely he plays with Mitch McConnell but I wouldn't give him much chance of succeeding on that front. And, while the GOP caucus was making a Broadway production of looking unified yesterday, I'd say it'll be a miracle if this newest clown lasts out the year because, at some point, he'll piss off someone in the caucus. After the last three weeks, it's inevitable.