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St. Peter's Square--- The world's 1.4 billion Catholics were stunned today when the Vatican conclave elected Donald Trump the 267th Pope on the first ballot. At first, cheers arose in St. Peter's Square as hundreds of thousands of the faithful awaited any news of who their next spiritual leader would be as the white smoke billowed. Then a profound confusion settled on the hallowed square as the balcony revealed Donald Trump in full papal regalia.

     After the new Pontiff seemed to make a haphazard Star of David instead of the traditional cross, the new leader of the Roman Catholic Church made his first speech as Pope. His hand gestures had to be repeated by a sign language interpreter in order to accommodate the new Bishop of Rome's abnormally tiny hands.

      "At first, I thought the radical left lunatics were gonna steal this election from me like in 2020 but my buddies in ICE and the FBI set those cardinals straight," the Pope said, looking over his shoulder. On his head was a red mitre embossed with the acronym MAGA. "I let it be known that if I didn't win this election fair and square, I was gonna have them excommunicated to the Holy Roman Empire, or maybe El Salvador."

     To drive his point home, armed ICE agents in black riot gear stood behind him on the balcony as several cardinals began making stiff-armed gestures, a sight reminiscent of the RCC's capitulation to a similar world leader up until 80 years ago.

      "I can't say I'm too happy about the nay votes I got from some of the South American cardinals and we're gonna be looking very strongly at them. It was almost like Georgia in 2020. 11,780 votes. That's all Brad hadda find for me but no, he couldn't do that."

     Hanging from the new Pope's neck was what had at first appeared to be a crucifix but was later discovered to be a capital T.

     "You see this bling I'm wearing? Pure, 24 carat gold. And you can get a 14 carat gold-plated one at the Trump store. Just use the promo code Jesus is My Bitch and for the low cost of $99.99, you can be a proud owner of this fine jewelry."

      His papal name will be Pope Vladimir I and his coat of arms will consist of a large white hand crushing a small black figure.