President Trump Earns His Bribes!

 (By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Cyril," my father Ambrose once told me as he was thrusting a brown shopping bag stuffed with 100 dollar bills into his office safe, "the real test of character for a Republican politician is that when he's bought, he stays bought. That he earns his bribes. If he doesn't do that, then who will trust or hire him?"

     That lesson has stayed with me for decades, even though I never got into the political arena. (I keep telling people I considered myself too honest for politics. The laughs that always generates makes it a perfect icebreaker at Republican functions.) And if any Republican president exemplified my sainted father's axiom of needing to earn one's bribes, it's President Donald Trump.

    And liberals are losing their shit over the president pardoning Shangpeng Zhao, the founder of Binance. Binance is the world's largest cryptocurrency trader, doing $65,000,000,000 in business each day. If any company exemplifies America First, it's a Chinese owned company founded by a Canadian Chinese-born mogul worth $55 billion.

     Completely oblivious to Sleepy Joe Biden pardoning his son and entire crime family with an autopen, libtards are trying to make hay over the fact that Binance has heavily financed World Liberty Financial, another brilliant venture by Trump's sons Don Jr and Eric. Such a partnership has added a trifling $5,000,000,000 to the Trump family coffers, a figure that pales in comparison to the Biden crime family's haul.

     Radical left lunatics also love to point out that Binance, with its generous and forgiving controls on money laundering, has freely allowed money to flow into the hands of terrorists and child abusers, which is simply not true.

 

     My baby brother, Cecil, for one has never benefited from Zhao's cryptocurrency trading company (although not for lack of trying). And if some exciting, bearded cave dwellers want to get in on the action, who can begrudge them?

     And just because one can seem to draw a dotted line connecting the president to those who enrich him and his family and buy his meme coin doesn't mean that there's any Pay-to-Play going on. The president can't help it if he has a soft spot in his enlarged heart for white collar titans of industry who had run afoul of onerous banking regulations. Everybody is channeling Thomas Nast these days.

     And, yeah, yeah, the president also pardoned the cofounders of BitMEX. Big deal. Like Shangpeng Zhao (who spent a horrific four months in prison, the same stretch as Steve Bannon and Peter Navarro), these fine, upstanding young men pleaded guilty to violating the Bank Secrecy Act and not adhering to know-your-customer guidelines and programs. But when you're sending untracked assets to rag-headed individuals in caves in Afghanistan, how can one be expected to know all their customers?
     I was at the White House, or what's left of it, just a few days ago and the president openly floated the idea of pardoning Mr. Zhao. As we picked our way among the rubble of the East Wing, the president said,

     "You know, Cyril, when I told Melania I was knocking down her office, she said, 'Who gives a fuck about my office?' before telling me not to touch her. You know the Radical Left Democrats are going to have a field day with this ballroom."

     "It's a paltry $200,000,000, Mr. President."

     "$300,000,000, actually," he corrected.

   "You have to admit, Mr. President, the optics look.... questionable. We're in the middle of a government shutdown, people will lose their food stamps and their health insurance premiums will double."

     The president looked at me as if a family of Hungarian acrobats was crawling out of my nostrils.

     "Your brother isn't here, is he? Because we're getting sick and tired of him chasing my grandsons."

     So, yes, liberal pinheads can cry into their patchouli oil all they want over the cryptocurrency venture, Trump suing the DOJ for nearly a quarter of a billion dollars and Kristi Noem pressuring the Coast Guard to buy her two luxury jets worth $200,000,000. Boo hoo.

      Incidentally, I don't know who the wise guy is but we are not amused and the president has vowed to find this Communist comedian through Pam Bondi and the spirit of Robert Bork.