Diplomacy With MSG

 (By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

We're back. As much as we all loved our time in Beijing, which my friend President Donald Trump insisted on calling "peeking" (A word that makes him giggle. It reminds him of the days when he owned the Junior Miss America pageant), it's still good to be back on US soil. They rolled out the red carpet for our president at the airport, even though he was greeted by low-level dignitaries, including a figurehead vice president. President Xi Jinping apparently couldn't make it on account of the president's belief that he was out getting McDonald's takeout for him.

     I was with the American delegation as a special ambassador (basically, getting President Trump's McDonald's takeout orders from McDonald's. There are at least 1032 franchises in China, 103 in Beijing alone, which sealed the deal and convinced the president that a trip to China was worth it). There were several faux pas at first, such as when the president asked why he was "surrounded by so many Japanese people" and "where are the Confederate flags?"

     Part of the pageantry that the president loves was reviewing Chinese troops in perfect formation (Jinping told Trump, "This will be your future if you keep dicking us around with Taiwan"). The president was impressed with the troops, telling his Chinese counterpart, "They all look alike to me. How did you clone them so perfectly?"

     But eventually, we got down to brass tacks and sat at big tables facing each other like competing Last Suppers. Weighty issues were discussed, such as the trade tariffs that had hit China so hard until the liberal activist justices on the Supreme Court put the kibosh on that. The president suggested he'd relax the now-illegal higher tariffs on China as long as they agreed to buy 200 Boeing jets ("I'll even throw in Air Force One, which is a ghetto with wings. I have a spare one I got from the ragheads.").

     It was a productive round of talks during our three days there, and there was much smiling and laughing, especially on the Chinese side. They apparently think our charming president is very amusing and there were many private little comments made between the Chinese president and his aides, which caused more laughter. Maybe I was wrong, since I don't speak Chinese but I thought I heard during these asides the phrase "25th amendment" being uttered.

 

     After some strenuous persuasion, I talked the president into letting me bring my kid brother, Cecil, with us, who was hastily named Special Envoy of Chinese Prepubescent Junior High Male Wrestling, immediately signaled a desire upon landing that he wanted to review every junior high-level male wrestling team in Beijing, which the nervous Chinese officials initially didn't want to grant. In fact, as we made our way throughout Beijing, I thought I saw more than one poster with Cecil's face on them, mostly at Chinese police stations. It almost made me cry, knowing that my younger sibling was so renowned in Communist China.

    As Cecil marched past the skinny little boys in their wrestling shorts, keeping his watchful gaze below their waists, he was accompanied by a protective detail of several armed Chinese soldiers. I'm sure they, as I, appreciated my kid brother's fervent, ongoing devotion to pre-teen male athletics.

     Meanwhile, back at the negotiating table, when I wasn't shuffling between McDonald's franchises and the president's mouth, other important issues were raised, such as our position on Taiwan. Our official stance is not to acknowledge their independence, although we're obligated to defend them in case they're attacked. Xi Jinping warned the president that there would be "conflicts" if we interfered with their imperialist ambitions toward that country and he brought home his point by making a mushroom cloud with his hands. President Trump nodded and agreed to consider lowering the tariff on Chinese fungal products.

     It's a high honor to be able to divulge these details of our important mission in China since CBS didn't get a journalism visa from China and had to report on the summit from 1000 miles away in Taipei before being barred from broadcasting Chinese talking points in Tony's room.