Donnie Does Dallas!

 

      I've taken a very short sabbatical as campaign manager for Commander Greg Bovino to attend the president's latest MAGA rally, otherwise known as the RNC midterm convention in Dallas. Don't let the liberal media throw sand in your eyes when they show you thousands of empty seats in the nosebleed section of American Airlines Center. The place is packed with virile, masculine Republican men if Grindr crashing in Dallas is any indication. 

      So I decided to take some time off from the hottest, indeed, the only Republican presidential campaign in the country to show my support for the party that's been so good to me and my family. Unfortunately, not too many of the attendees remember my father Ambrose and his glorious quarter term in Congress. It was 1953, after all, when Republicans were men and other men like Roy Cohn were grateful for it. 

 

 

    The usual liberal pinheads will try to make hay over the fact that our pundits chose to put up a picture of Hasan Piker in tight underwear on the first day of the convention, which is not to be confused with actual homosexual intent. Although my kid brother Cecil made a disturbing comment when he looked up at the Jumbotron and sighed, "Ah, if only that was taken of him 25 years ago!"

    I've heard the president's speeches and was concerned to hear that he's offering $5000 to every American if the GOP retains both chambers of Congress. That payout will cost upwards of $1.35 trillion. Apparently, the president never foresaw that if that happens, he'll also be giving out $5000 to every liberal fathead that votes for a Socialist Democrat. But our president has always been renowned for his generosity and forgiving nature.

     The Trump dividends are not a bribe. A bribe is a bribe only when the money is actually paid out. The president has promised checks to Americans yet, oddly, not a single one of them ever got sent out. But that's not to say no checks ever go out. Just recently, it came out that the president's largesse resulted in $155,000 in bonuses to four staffers, including Natalie Harp.

      Matt Schlapp has been seen on the convention floor, trailing a conga line of very young men with disgusted looks on their faces. Of course, everyone is eager to hear the vice president's keynote speech at 8 tonight, in which, it's rumored, he'll advocate for the return of the Spanish Inquisition.