Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Top Ten Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure

Earlier this week, former Vice President Richard B. Cheney underwent major heart surgery. The ex VP suffers from an aggressive and progressive form of congestive heart failure. Besides fluid build-up, cardiologists discovered 10 other causes for Mr. Cheney's congestive condition. What were they?

  • 10) 4.1 ounces of pus, the result of an allergic reaction to having anything progressive within him.

  • 9) Infestation of the spirits of all the soldiers whose lives Cheney would've saved in Vietnam had he not used all five of his deferments.

  • 8) The semi-digested pinkie of an Iraqi orphan lodged in left ventricle.

  • 7) A stubbornly unfulfilled contract with Satan with loopholes circled by David Addington and signing statements by Cheney.

  • 6) The last fail-safe measure installed in 2002 by BP and Halliburton.

  • 5) A .41 caliber silver bullet fired at Cheney 130 years ago by Van Helsing.

  • 4) A calcified conscience.

  • 3) Pressure from a second, larger heart originally belonging to his vestigial twin, the Grinch.

  • 2) Splinters from a stake pounded into Cheney's chest ca 1890 by Dr. Harker.

  • 1) Congestive fluid actually emulsified, condensed, pure, soul-warping, 200 proof, weapons-grade evil.

    At July 14, 2010 at 10:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

    This man's well deserved dirt nap can't happen soon enough.

    At July 14, 2010 at 11:26 PM, Anonymous grouchomarxist said...

    I've been told Dick Cheney has the heart of a little boy.

    He keeps it in his desk drawer.

    At July 15, 2010 at 2:26 AM, Blogger William N. Grigg said...

    This offering was Pulitzer-worthy.

    At July 15, 2010 at 6:57 AM, Anonymous Hate-filled beyond belief said...

    Can you believe they're talking about a heart transplant for this fucker? As if he hadn't killed enough people already, this evil bastard might be jumped to the top of the transplant list and he'll get to end the life of some other non-murdering-scum American who could have gotten the heart that will keep VP mofo in our faces for a while longer.

    If it's any consolation, recovering from open-heart surgery is hella painful, because the surgeons have to literally split your chest open, sometimes cutting through the sternum to get at the patient's heart. When you have your chest and ribs cracked apart like that, then sewn back together, the rehab is agonizing. There's always the hope that this worthless fucker fucker fucker fucker fucker -- I can't stop saying it; when I see his mug on the TV I just contort my face and scream "DIE YOU MOTHERFUCKER! DIE YOU GODDAMN BASTARD!" Where was I? Oh yeah, infection -- maybe he'll get a massive post-op infection and die within the week!

    FWIW, I've seen a number of people die of congestive heart failure. It's not a nice way to go. Because the heart is so weak, it can't pump blood through the kidneys with enough force to make them work. Kidneys are a filter, after all, and there has to be a certain amount of "oomph" behind the pumping action, otherwise blood won't penetrate through the membranes of the nephrons. As a result, the person's body fills up with excess fluid that they can't piss away. In end-stage cases, their legs (and sometimes arms/trunk) fill up with so much fluid volume that seeps outside the veins that they look like human water balloons. They can get spontaneous oozing of fluid from the bloated skin, infected sores develop on the limbs because all that subcutaneous liquid is a great breeding ground for bacteria, their lungs fill with seeped-out serous exudate so they're gasping for breath...

    It can be a slow, grotesque death, but it's not as bad as cancer, especially CA that goes to the bones. That's the death I'd wish for Cheney, since I don't believe in any superstitious eternal damnation where he would be tormented in lakes of fire.

    It would be great if Snarlin' Dick could stay alive long enough to be put on trial for crimes against humanity, but Obama has no balls for that, and the Repig who'll replace Hopey in 2012 certainly won't do it, so we'll have to wait for a leader installed by the future Chinese overlords. Maybe Bush and Gonzales will live that long, but not Cheney or Ronald Dumsfeld. So let's hope the latter bastards die soon, with much pain.

    At July 15, 2010 at 8:18 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

    No, there's nothing wrong with Blogger (today). I just have comments on moderation. I didn't see yours until this morning.

    I get the impression you're not too fond of Old Dick.


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