Thursday, February 14, 2013

St. Valentine, Join the NRA and Shoot Someone For My Daughter!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Esq.)

     The other day, I was asking one of my junior partners as I was about to stiff an Arabic hot dog vendor on 5th Avenue by accusing him of being a terrorist with a bomb why I can't marry off my only daughter, Bertha Blubberpuss. I mean, seriously, how many 37 year-old virgins do you think there are left in the world, guys?! And since today is Valentine's Day, your moonbat host JP thought it would be a good idea to let me have the floor to make one last, desperate, impassioned plea for my delicate little girl.
     Bertha was always something of an introvert, I'll admit. In her defense it wasn't easy being both the first girl in 3rd grade with breasts and a moustache. Yet she has other qualities and virtues that, if cultivated and drawn out like a starving muskrat from its lair, I'm sure would blossom for the right guy.
     I thought, after she'd matriculated into Bob Jones University on a White History scholarship and became the star of their weightlifting team (super heavyweight), she'd get snapped up in no time. Likewise, when she also became the star of the BJU wrestling team (thank heavens for the unlimited weight class). Likewise when she became the star linebacker for the school's varsity football team and put four Division III quarterbacks in the CCU in her freshman year alone.
     But since 1994, no matter how many eligible young conservative bachelors I invite, beg, bribe, cajole, wheedle or kidnap, none of them seem to want to eat ever again after meeting poor Bertha. For her part, my poor delicate flower is so hurt by their shallowness and callousness that she retreats into her Melissa Etheridge and kd lang CDs while looking up at her Rosie Perez posters, cries while watching The Ellen Show and gets a moustache wax before going to Lilith Fair every year.

     I mean, look at her, for fuck's sake! Look at that pain and anguish, that plaintive look that almost says, "Oh, Daddy, men don't understand me and I'm perfectly fine with that!" Poor, brave girl.
     I've even taken out Craigslist singles' ads online for poor Bertha but so far, despite putting them in W4M, the only responses she's gotten are not from handsome college Republicans but female ice road truckers and lady oil workers on Alaska's North slope. No doubt, they, too, are lonely young women looking for solace and female companionship. But Bertha doesn't need a pen pal who sends her the occasional men's BVDs that smell suspiciously like flounder (I guess Karla, the lady who works on the North slope on an oil rig, lives in or near a fishing village).
     So, since a sizable dowry and blackmail isn't getting us anywhere, I call on the spirit of Charlton Heston. By Ted Nugent's Crusty Shorts, will the NRA gods please smile on Casa de Blubberpuss and recruit Cupid so he can shoot some eligible male in the ass with his magic arrow? At this point, I don't even care if he shoots some Nancy boy looking for cover while cultivating a career on Wall Street. It''s time my little girl left the nest. Because Bertha's beginning to scare our illegal maid Rosita with her intense, predatory gaze while curling dumb bells and looking down at her from the top of the stairs.


At February 14, 2013 at 10:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was fuckin' poignant.

At February 14, 2013 at 4:38 PM, Blogger Mongo, At The Moment said...

Ach du lieber Gott.


Post a Comment

<< Home

KindleindaWind, my writing blog.

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition
  • #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger