Monday, February 9, 2015

Top 12 Assclowns of the GOP 2016 Presidential Field

     As the rest of Obama's lame duck presidency reaches its twilight, so begins the usual Pamplona of assclownery (or what some charitably refer to as the Republicans' jockeying for their party's attention in the next general election). As has been the case since time immemorial, the crop of conservatives is a massive political sideshow that would do PT Barnum proud. So, taking a page from my own Assclowns of the Week, crank up the Krazy Konservative Kalliope as I present your top 12 GOP Assclowns (plus one dishonorable mention) in the 2016 Republican presidential field.

12) Ted Cruz
     Like his running buddy Sarah Palin, Ted Cruz is just two years into an unrelieved comical farce of an incumbency before setting his crossed eyes on the bigger prize of the presidency. One boggles at the statements that would be made by Cruz's father Rafael as he continues tacking like an ancient mariner on the campaign trail to escape the men with the ice cream suits and butterfly nets.

     Once shut down the government with a Dr. Seuss book. Climate change denialist who was then last month made the chairman of a Senate science subcommittee overseeing NASA's budget. Is so painfully, burningly stupid, once compared net neutrality to ObamaCare on Twitter. Is so nakedly, brazenly power-hungry and egotistical, even the senior members of his party can't stand him.

11) Bobby Jindal
     LA Governor Bobby Jindal (R-Exorcist) made waves this past week for an unofficial portrait painted by one of his constituents that essentially made him look like a Special Needs Rick Santorum. It was a portrait that seems to lack a certain something, namely pigment, according to some seditious liberal naysayer who had the effrontery to point this out. Undeterred, one of Jindal's flaks fired back on Twitter and called the guy who brought up this fact a "race baiter" before showing us what the real official portrait looked like.

     Oh, yeah, Kyle, much better. No Michael Jackson action going on there
     A typical Republican, Jindal's busy sneering at Obama and Hillary and basically sticking his nose where it doesn't belong while his own state's economy is in the shitter and looking at a budgetary shortfall of over a billion and a half dollars. As Jindal's the worst thing to hit Louisiana since Katrina, we can comfortably count on the rest of the nation's resurgent racism to ensure the only way he'll ever see the inside of the White House is in a tour group.

10) Mike Huckabee
     One of eight former or current GOP governors to make the grade, Huckabee makes the #10 spot just for the sheer stratospheric level of delusion that America would ever want him to be our Commander in Chief. Is such an uptight prick, once wrote an article at 17 condemning dancing and everyone who ever attended a dance or was part of "a choom gang." Essentially, as with his overall presidential ambitions, Huckabee's trying to light a fire with wet logs that go back to the 50's, tackling non-starters such as gay marriage, Beyonce and, yes, dancing. Perhaps it's true that he's just trying to drum up attention for his new book, "I Am a Slow Motion Puffer Fish". But Huckabee seems bound and determined to drag the GOP back into the 17th century at a time when the Republicans aren't willing to go back beyond the 18th. Jesus tap dancing Christ, this bloated god bag makes Ronald Reagan look like a fucking futurist.

9) Chris Cristie
     The Ralph Kramden of American politics, New Jersey Governor Chris Cristie (R-Gridlock) has elevated loathing and detestation of the 99%, educators  and his many critics to an art form. With either blissful ignorance or sheer vindictiveness, presided over the biggest traffic jam in the history of the GWB, one brought about by his own aides; spent over $1,000,000 of New Jersey taxpayer money to hire a legal firm to clear him of wrongdoing in another scandal; currently the subject of a massive FBI investigation; has so thoroughly butt-fucked New Jersey's economy that he reneged on $2.4 billion in pension payouts and essentially stole it; stole another billion dollars from New Jersey's public schools to hand to the 1% while firing nearly 4500 teachers; waddled to a Koch brothers retreat to which, of course, the press wasn't invited, and, purely by coincidence, immediately afterward pulled New Jersey out of the Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative. Easily the most corrupt non-national politician since Huey Long.
     Was re-elected by a landslide, with a third of "Democrats" voting for him.

8) Rick Perry
     Texas Governor Rick Perry demonstrates how he deals with lobbyists and special interest groups.
     Ricky Retardo's new glasses make him look smarter than he really is in three ways but he'll be damned if he can remember the third one. Indisputably the stupidest Governor in American history, quite a feat in the state of Texas. Makes predecessor George W. Bush look like Adlai Stevenson by conspicuous relief. Once threatened Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke's life. Threatened to secede from the Union over Obama's stimulus package despite lacking constitutional authority to do so. Once bragged about killing a coyote for looking at him. Thinks indictment for abusing the power of his office qualifies him to be President. Indisputably the stupidest Governor in American history. Oh, did I say that already? Well, it bears repeating.
7) Scott Walker
     The cock puppet of Charles and David Koch, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker first burst on the scene like a rancid ass boil by stripping almost all public unions of collective bargaining rights. Once removed all doubt who he really works for by taking a call from a blogger posing as David Koch. During the call, Walker openly floated the idea of dispatching agent provocateurs to break up the protests in Madison. Nonetheless, cranial hypothermia and a shitload of right wing out of state money saw Walker victorious after being just the third Governor in American history to face a recall election. Proudly mired in countless Republican scandals, including the Wisconsin Club for Growth (which obviously doesn't include jobs) and John Doe and has an infallible instinct for hiring future jailbirds. Unquestionably, this cross-eyed goober is one of the worst and stupidest Governors in US history, which is a great reason for Republicans to want to place in his hands the national Treasury and our nuclear launch codes.

6) Marco Rubio
     A first year senator, the GOP gave Marco Rubio one job and one job only: To rebut the President's State of the Union Address with the Republican point of view. What the nation got, instead, was a Charlie McCarthy/Edgar Bergen monologue minus the ventriloquist. Such a political and intellectual flyweight, he gives Ricky Ricardo gravitas. Ted Cruz-lite wanted an embargo on Cuba and whined when he didn't get it. Biggest contribution to American culture is in preparing for the granddaddy of all comb-overs. Cynically uses his Latino roots for partisan advantage except, unlike Mitt Romney, is actually Latino. Admits that, while "I'm not a scientist, man," proceeds to tell scientists where they're wrong on climate change and other scientiffy things. Florida could vote in a 30 year-old pink flamingo on Rick Scott's lawn and no one would notice.

5) Ben Carson
Dr. Ben Carson speaks at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC), at the Gaylord National Resort and Convention Center in National Harbor, Maryland, March 8, 2014. 
"Yooouuu... dirty welfare recipient..."
     Of all the lunatics on this list, Ben Carson is perhaps the most dangerous because right wingers take him the most seriously. As proof of this, just recently Carson was placed on the SPLC's "Extremist Watch List" mainly for his virulent opposition to gay marriage.
     Here are some more facts about Ben Carson that show his breathtaking hypocrisy, courtesy of Lee Branen and sourced at Wonkette:
     Oh, but Benny has a reason for why he and Mom rose from their impoverished status after suckling on the evil libr'al welfare teat: They don't make moochers like they used to. You see, back in Carson's day, people weren't boasting about being on public assistance and benefiting from Affirmative Action like they are now.
     Recently trashed the Founding Fathers by comparing them to ISIS and says God told him to tell us about His flat tax rate (999 a la Herman Cain?). Claims liberals are the real Nazis. Has to remind Republicans to not think of him as crazy. As with liberals and Obama, is desperately loved by Teabaggers and other white supremacists to prove how post racial they are. While watching Django Unchained, probably cried when Stephen got his ass blown back to Africa.

4) Michele Bachmann
     Yes, the Girl With the 1000 Mile Stare is gone but not forgotten. Even including Steve King and Slipknot, is the craziest thing to ever come out of Iowa. Came in 6th in 2011 Iowa GOP caucus despite buying most of the straw poll votes (still getting less than 30% of the votes). In 2009, encouraged supporters to slit their wrists if ObamaCare was ratified. Hid in the bushes while spying on a pro gay rights rally (while closeted husband Marcus was getting phone numbers for "research purposes"). Vacuums in high heels. Takes revisionist American history to stratospheric levels. Her grasp on science is just as firm. Is more passionately opposed to census takers than Hannibal Lecter. Also passionate about fluoridated water and light bulbs that never go off over her pointy head. Anti-vaxxer and allround right wing nut bag who voted to shut down the government that gave her and Marcus hundreds of thousands in subsidies for their Wisconsin farm.
     Despite having less on the ball than your typical basement-dwelling conspiracy theorist churning out mimeographed newsletters, gerrymandering made her a four term representative of the 6th district, making that part of Minnesota the Land of 1000 Idiots.

3) Rick Santorum
     Despite Pope Frothy the First getting kicked out of the Senate after just one term and proving his electile dysfunction during the last two presidential elections, the other Ricky Retardo sallies froth forth for his third unsuccessful bid from his metaphorical balcony at St. Peter's Square. I shit you not, this Papist peckerhead used to be a registered lobbyist for Vince McMahon and the former WWF. Senator Man on Dog once equated gay marriage with beastiality and that the additional number of gay couples getting married in the 37 states in which gay marriage is legal will result in fewer marriages. More likely than not has a poster of Savonarola in his bedroom.

2) Jeb Bush
     Currently, the presumptive frontrunner in the GOP Pamplona of assclowns, the chowerheaded scion of George and Barbara Bush proves that red is the new purple. That is, the hind leg-chewing radical right wing faction still vainly trying to churn Ron Paul's withered penis into tumescence thinks that Jeb Bush is a Goddamned moderate (once called "a progressive" by Glenn Beck). A decade ago, he once tried to shove a feeding tube down Terri Schiavo's throat until stopped by a Florida court. In 2000, commissioned Katherine Harris to purge tens of thousands of voters from the rolls with the help of ChoicePoint, essentially stealing the presidency for his idiot older brother. Rear-ended the Florida public school system by expanding charter school vouchers. Even his own mother doesn't want him in the White House.

1) Sarah Palin
       The ultimate political cock tease, Sarah Palin's been flirting with a presidential run since she renamed the McCain-Palin campaign the "Palin-McCain campaign." Was such a horrible running mate, the McCain camp actually floated the idea of not letting her be sworn in as VP if their man won. Recent speech at Teabagger shindig in Iowa proved that without her teleprompter and notes on her hand, her head is full of right wing bumper stickers put through a garbage disposal. In fact, that speech was so horrible, even Republicans broke their necks running for the exits. Trying to encompass this woman's stupidity and ignorance in a couple of paragraphs is like trying to stuff 100 pounds of bologna into a two pound bag. In just six short years, sent women's rights back to the days of the Sumerians and Annunaki.

Dishonorable mention: Mitt Romney
      As of press time, this flat-eyed sociopath's officially out of the race, having come full circle from what he'd said five months ago that his "time had come and gone." But knowing "Where the Wind Blows" Willard, that could change faster than it took for Seamus to piss and shit on the Romney vacation mobile. Only qualification to be Chief Executive is that he's the perfect hybrid between a game show host and white America's perception of what a president should look like. Only appeal to right wing voters was the simple fact he wasn't Obama. Republican voters reported in exit polls that voting for Romney gave them an aftertaste like sucking on a plastic golf tee. Cynically tried to pass for Mexican even though he's about as Mexican as Taco Bell. Once claimed Dad marched with Dr. King despite no evidence proving it. Barely restrained harpy wife Ann claimed they were "living on the edge" despite being able to cash in stocks. Claims he was a job creator despite sending over 100,000 American jobs to the Third World. Once viciously attacked a gay fellow student over his hair. Next thing you know, this polymer-based android will be claiming he actually has traces of human DNA.


At February 10, 2015 at 12:47 PM, Anonymous Ken in MN said...

It should be mentioned that the polymers used to fabricate the RomBot 2000 were synthesized from Tar Sands Oil...

At February 11, 2015 at 2:04 PM, Anonymous Leo Walter said...

Jesus, that was a brilliant summary ! I have seen plenty in my 50 years of voting, but this was the best.

At February 11, 2015 at 6:12 PM, Blogger Carlotta B. Capone said...

Funny AND scary!

At February 12, 2015 at 8:32 PM, Anonymous CC said...

Maybe Jindal suffered a sudden vitiligo attack.

At February 13, 2015 at 2:51 PM, Anonymous Anton said...

This post causes two types of pain: intellectual pain from realizing it is all true, and flank pain from laughing too goddam hard.


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