Saturday, October 3, 2015

Just Bend Me Over an Oil Barrel and Call Me Your Bitch

     (By American Zen's Mike Flannigan, on loan from Ari)
(Crosspost on Daily Kos here, with a survey.)
     Because we are so fucked.
     If my conservative and more moderate readers have any stubborn dingleberry doubts that the Republican Party is actively hastening the end of Mankind or at least the United States, consider the case of Kevin McCarthy.
     When Eric Cantor took over as House Majority leader just after the Teabagger revolt of 2010 that handed the lower chamber back to the Republicans, no one batted an eye. And even though many had questioned, "Who the hell's Steny Hoyer?" when he became Nancy Pelosi's right hand man before that, at least no one questioned the man's intelligence. And that's because both Cantor and Hoyer have, at bare minimum, at least an adequate intelligence. And, just to give the Devil his due, Eric Cantor's a pretty smart guy, albeit in a sociopathic "Don't Ever Turn Your Back on Me" sort of way.
     But when Cantor was voted out in his party's own primary a couple of years ago, he was immediately supplanted by a nonentity named Kevin McCarthy. And people began asking, "Who?" As Rachel Maddow pointed out in her segment on McCarthy, this guy has apparently made over $350,000 over the last two years for essentially doing nothing. The author of two pieces of passed legislation (one of them renaming a post office in his district after Buck Owens), it seems this guy is the House's version of Mitch McConnell, someone who mysteriously holds onto power every two years without actually accomplishing anything.
     Except McConnell's no idiot, either. He's a devious, obstructive asshole, sure, but he's no idiot.
     Now, in some Fuck You coup de grace courtesy of the GOP, McCarthy is set to actually become the House's version of Mitch McConnell and then some because he's already been anointed by his party to be the Speaker of the House, or the man third in line to the presidency.
     If Hollywood wanted to make a dark comedy about an moronic politician, they could do a lot worse than use Kevin McCarthy as a template. Because it takes a hell of a lot of stupidity to make one yearn for the days of Dan Quayle, George W. Bush, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin.
     McCarthy's presser after being inexplicably anointed the next House Speaker made George W. Bush's worst, most malapropism-impregnated speech look like Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech by conspicuous relief. It sounded as if it was written by Sarah Palin after an Anchorage kegger or by some devious prankster from the Daily Beast who'd slipped in the speech in place of the real one.
     By calling Hungary "Hungria", and talking about "the band on America", McCarthy not only looked like a flaccid penis, he lacked even the self-correcting ability of a professional politician who can spot mistakes in texts and make the necessary corrections on the spot. And, even though he was reading from a prepared text, the look on his face unmistakably betrayed a man who plainly had no idea what the fuck he was talking about or that he sounded as if he was vomiting magnetic poetry tiles.

We Must Stop ISIS From Placing Applesauce on My Sailboat
     As Maddow pointed out in her September 30th segment, the world's going to hell in a handbasket. Syria is fast becoming the new Vietnam with us bombing that poor country on behalf of the Syrian rebels while Russia bombs the shit out of the same country in support of Assad's murderous government. It's indistinguishable from the war of aggression we fought in Vietnam until four decades ago when we were actually fighting Red China and Red China was fighting us through the proxies of North and South Vietnam. It's like Moe and Larry having a fight where poor Curly takes all the slaps and punches. And it's created a humanitarian crisis and exodus that hardly anyone outside of Germany wants to deal with.
     And yet, the power-mad, borderline insane psychopaths who are murdering these innocents in Syria and all over the world are judged even by the normally rational Maddow as men qualified to run their countries. Obama may be a deceptively bloodthirsty cocksucker who sleeps very well on French linen every night after having ordered and justified blowing up a wedding party and killing dozens of innocents because he may have gotten one Taliban commander.
     But he's no idiot.
     Kevin McCarthy is. Unmistakably. Undeniably. Indisputably. He makes his namesake on Edgar Bergen's lap sound like George Santayana on a really good day. If he was any stupider, they'd be harvesting his organs right now at Walter Reed and pumping formaldehyde through what's left in his neck.
     He's the Republican establishment's idea of what a safe choice should be. Let's not forget why Boehner was elbowed out of his Speakership. He was judged by the radical right wing, the Teabagger psychos who thought his constant obstruction of President Obama's every single nomination and legislative agenda was too liberal. Not wanting to give the minority teabagger caucus a say in the matter, the GOP establishment chose McCarthy.
     Which makes no sense because McCarthy can make no sense even when reading from a prepared speech. They had literally hundreds of other men and women in their caucus from which to choose. Yet it seems as if they'd deliberately chosen to succeed Boehner the one person in their party whose mind is weaker than a Taco Bell burrito. I mean, seriously: Not even canny insider Paul Ryan? Evangelical nutbag Louis Gohmert?
     And maybe that was the intent all along, to elevate to the US House Speakership, one of the most powerful offices on the planet, a man who's about the closest one could get to a tabula rasa, a man with a mind as blank as a blackboard in July. Someone too stupid to know when he has a grimy hand up his ass and his mouth manipulated by psycho legislative ventriloquists.


At October 3, 2015 at 3:26 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

And maybe that was the intent all along, to elevate to the US House Speakership, one of the most powerful offices on the planet, a man who's about the closest one could get to a tabula rasa, a man with a mind as blank as a blackboard in July. Someone too stupid to know when he has a grimy hand up his ass and his mouth manipulated by psycho legislative ventriloquists.

Well, we've seen this before, when Hastert the Child Molester was speaker bu DeLay the criminal ran things, and everyone knew it.

At October 3, 2015 at 4:02 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

True and I think that's what the establishment GOP had in mind for Boehner when they tapped him for the job after Hastert left. They saw in him a useful idiot who would never deal in good faith with any Democrat president, especially a black one. Rather than put up a hardliner, they just rally around any dumbass idiot who can pass as mainstream and middle-of-the-road and that they judge as usefully malleable so they can implement their insane ideaa through complete control of the legislative schedule and agenda.

At October 3, 2015 at 4:52 PM, Blogger MJ said...

Not a fan of most Will Ferrel movies, but an Anchorman quote comes to mind. "He'll say anything you write on his script. An-ee-thing-ga." Can someone slip him a script that says something career ending? He'll read it, clearly.

At October 3, 2015 at 5:05 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have been gobbling the cock and goo for decades now and I cannot be prouder. That threesome I had on the taxpayer dime at the 9/11 Memorial with Ted Haggard and that male hooker from Bogota was the most enriching and transcendent of my life. Thank you. I won't take any questions."


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