Top 10 Reasons John Boehner Will Resign From Congress

     At an emotional meeting with his fellow Republicans today, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced that at the end of October he will resign his post as House Speaker and from Congress after a quarter century of service. Speaker Boehner will leave a Republican Party fractured and in disarray especially after the 2010 Tea Party takeover with the election of dozens of radically conservative Republicans who'd actively sought after his ouster. The reasons why Mr. Boehner had decided to resign remain murky. So, what were his top 10 reasons for resigning?

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10) Resigning to spend more time with his tanning booth.

9) Could no longer justify to Finance Committee running over his Kleenex budget for crocodile tear pressers.

8) Was tired of Nancy Pelosi silently replacing the speaker's gavel with a giant inflatable squeaking clown hammer.

7) Could not live down the shame of not being allowed to hand out checks from Big Tobacco lobbyists on the House floor.

6) Couldn't stand the thought of another Halloween of President Obama carving a lifelike pumpkin with his face on it.

5) Congressional duties cutting into his time taking tours through Jameson distillery.

4) Noticed Pope Francis wiped his feet before leaving Boehner's office.

3) Joe Biden's whoopie cushions slipped under him just before States of the Union Addresses.

2) Wanted to leave just after shutting down the government "just for old time's sake."

1) Just before joint address to Congress, Pope Francis told him unless he resigned immediately, he'd spend all of eternity giving head to John F. Kennedy and Lyndon Johnson.