Saturday, October 3, 2015

Just Bend Me Over an Oil Barrel and Call Me Your Bitch

     (By American Zen's Mike Flannigan, on loan from Ari)
(Crosspost on Daily Kos here, with a survey.)
     Because we are so fucked.
     If my conservative and more moderate readers have any stubborn dingleberry doubts that the Republican Party is actively hastening the end of Mankind or at least the United States, consider the case of Kevin McCarthy.
     When Eric Cantor took over as House Majority leader just after the Teabagger revolt of 2010 that handed the lower chamber back to the Republicans, no one batted an eye. And even though many had questioned, "Who the hell's Steny Hoyer?" when he became Nancy Pelosi's right hand man before that, at least no one questioned the man's intelligence. And that's because both Cantor and Hoyer have, at bare minimum, at least an adequate intelligence. And, just to give the Devil his due, Eric Cantor's a pretty smart guy, albeit in a sociopathic "Don't Ever Turn Your Back on Me" sort of way.
     But when Cantor was voted out in his party's own primary a couple of years ago, he was immediately supplanted by a nonentity named Kevin McCarthy. And people began asking, "Who?" As Rachel Maddow pointed out in her segment on McCarthy, this guy has apparently made over $350,000 over the last two years for essentially doing nothing. The author of two pieces of passed legislation (one of them renaming a post office in his district after Buck Owens), it seems this guy is the House's version of Mitch McConnell, someone who mysteriously holds onto power every two years without actually accomplishing anything.
     Except McConnell's no idiot, either. He's a devious, obstructive asshole, sure, but he's no idiot.
     Now, in some Fuck You coup de grace courtesy of the GOP, McCarthy is set to actually become the House's version of Mitch McConnell and then some because he's already been anointed by his party to be the Speaker of the House, or the man third in line to the presidency.
     If Hollywood wanted to make a dark comedy about an moronic politician, they could do a lot worse than use Kevin McCarthy as a template. Because it takes a hell of a lot of stupidity to make one yearn for the days of Dan Quayle, George W. Bush, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin.
     McCarthy's presser after being inexplicably anointed the next House Speaker made George W. Bush's worst, most malapropism-impregnated speech look like Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech by conspicuous relief. It sounded as if it was written by Sarah Palin after an Anchorage kegger or by some devious prankster from the Daily Beast who'd slipped in the speech in place of the real one.
     By calling Hungary "Hungria", and talking about "the band on America", McCarthy not only looked like a flaccid penis, he lacked even the self-correcting ability of a professional politician who can spot mistakes in texts and make the necessary corrections on the spot. And, even though he was reading from a prepared text, the look on his face unmistakably betrayed a man who plainly had no idea what the fuck he was talking about or that he sounded as if he was vomiting magnetic poetry tiles.

We Must Stop ISIS From Placing Applesauce on My Sailboat
     As Maddow pointed out in her September 30th segment, the world's going to hell in a handbasket. Syria is fast becoming the new Vietnam with us bombing that poor country on behalf of the Syrian rebels while Russia bombs the shit out of the same country in support of Assad's murderous government. It's indistinguishable from the war of aggression we fought in Vietnam until four decades ago when we were actually fighting Red China and Red China was fighting us through the proxies of North and South Vietnam. It's like Moe and Larry having a fight where poor Curly takes all the slaps and punches. And it's created a humanitarian crisis and exodus that hardly anyone outside of Germany wants to deal with.
     And yet, the power-mad, borderline insane psychopaths who are murdering these innocents in Syria and all over the world are judged even by the normally rational Maddow as men qualified to run their countries. Obama may be a deceptively bloodthirsty cocksucker who sleeps very well on French linen every night after having ordered and justified blowing up a wedding party and killing dozens of innocents because he may have gotten one Taliban commander.
     But he's no idiot.
     Kevin McCarthy is. Unmistakably. Undeniably. Indisputably. He makes his namesake on Edgar Bergen's lap sound like George Santayana on a really good day. If he was any stupider, they'd be harvesting his organs right now at Walter Reed and pumping formaldehyde through what's left in his neck.
     He's the Republican establishment's idea of what a safe choice should be. Let's not forget why Boehner was elbowed out of his Speakership. He was judged by the radical right wing, the Teabagger psychos who thought his constant obstruction of President Obama's every single nomination and legislative agenda was too liberal. Not wanting to give the minority teabagger caucus a say in the matter, the GOP establishment chose McCarthy.
     Which makes no sense because McCarthy can make no sense even when reading from a prepared speech. They had literally hundreds of other men and women in their caucus from which to choose. Yet it seems as if they'd deliberately chosen to succeed Boehner the one person in their party whose mind is weaker than a Taco Bell burrito. I mean, seriously: Not even canny insider Paul Ryan? Evangelical nutbag Louis Gohmert?
     And maybe that was the intent all along, to elevate to the US House Speakership, one of the most powerful offices on the planet, a man who's about the closest one could get to a tabula rasa, a man with a mind as blank as a blackboard in July. Someone too stupid to know when he has a grimy hand up his ass and his mouth manipulated by psycho legislative ventriloquists.

4 Comments:

At October 3, 2015 at 3:26 PM, Blogger Harvey Kek said...

And maybe that was the intent all along, to elevate to the US House Speakership, one of the most powerful offices on the planet, a man who's about the closest one could get to a tabula rasa, a man with a mind as blank as a blackboard in July. Someone too stupid to know when he has a grimy hand up his ass and his mouth manipulated by psycho legislative ventriloquists.

Well, we've seen this before, when Hastert the Child Molester was speaker bu DeLay the criminal ran things, and everyone knew it.

 
At October 3, 2015 at 4:02 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

True and I think that's what the establishment GOP had in mind for Boehner when they tapped him for the job after Hastert left. They saw in him a useful idiot who would never deal in good faith with any Democrat president, especially a black one. Rather than put up a hardliner, they just rally around any dumbass idiot who can pass as mainstream and middle-of-the-road and that they judge as usefully malleable so they can implement their insane ideaa through complete control of the legislative schedule and agenda.

 
At October 3, 2015 at 4:52 PM, Blogger MJ said...

Not a fan of most Will Ferrel movies, but an Anchorman quote comes to mind. "He'll say anything you write on his script. An-ee-thing-ga." Can someone slip him a script that says something career ending? He'll read it, clearly.

 
At October 3, 2015 at 5:05 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

"Ladies and gentlemen, I have been gobbling the cock and goo for decades now and I cannot be prouder. That threesome I had on the taxpayer dime at the 9/11 Memorial with Ted Haggard and that male hooker from Bogota was the most enriching and transcendent of my life. Thank you. I won't take any questions."

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Christwire.org: Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • Hullabaloo, Digby's place.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • The artist formerly known as Politits. The politics are still liberal.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Salon.com.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find Articles.com, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • Dictionary.com.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • anysoldier.com
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger