Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Assclowns of the Week #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition

Hi ho, neighborinos! It's been quite a while since Assclowns #100 came and went with nary a single comment. But never let it be said your porcine powerhouse does this strictly for the hookers, Bushmills body shots and crystal meth jags in hot bed motel rooms. And how could yours truly remain in his self-imposed semi exile with all this evolutionary backsliding in this election year?
     Because what to our blackened eyes did appear but the usual crop of Republican assclowns at their usual assclownery? Well, there was Dennis "the Menace" Hastert (1) getting slapped on the wrist for structuring while his supporters like Tom DeLay (5) short-stroked their violins; There were the thugs of Hillary Clinton (7) who smeared Bernie Sanders and his supporters the night before Election Day; There was North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory (4) for blaming his bathroom bill on a city mayor; Then there was Ted Cruz (2) for leaping into Tim Burton's world without looking.
     So jump aboard the hay ride and let's jeer from on high this week's bumper crop of assclowns and much, much more!

10) Maine Governor Paul LePage
On the 27th, at the dedication of a new education center at the University of Maine at Farmington, Augusta's ongoing dumpster fire Paul LePage had a meltdown about 15 seconds into his speech when he encountered silent protesters holding up signs calling him "Maine's shame" and giving him an "F" on his environmental report card. After less than a minute behind the podium, Chris Christie's Mini Me waddled away and called the protesters "idiots".
     This is pretty consistent with ruinous Republican Governors who meet even mild criticism face to face. Earlier this month, Rick Scott got blasted by a Florida voter at a Starbucks and Scott immediately spent money on an attack ad that essentially punched down at his antagonist. And who can forget Sam Brownback years ago creepily stalking teenager Emma Sullivan whom he'd perceived to have slighted him?
     These right wing pricks really are like the Mafia, aren't they? This is why the mob buys politicians, because it keeps the body count low.

9) Donald Trump
Sure, Donald, and I guess Carly Fiorina's the Babushka Lady.
     Today on Fox & Frauds, Donald Trump called in to float a conspiracy theory that's ripe for Alex Jones: That Ted Cruz's father Rafael was with Lee Harvey Oswald just before the Kennedy shooting. And where's he getting this hot tip from? His buddies at the National Enquirer. Yeah, Rafael Cruz deserves to be held in a nursing home for the rest of his life to be chased by the nice nurses and orderlies with the paper cups but seriously?
     OK, as long as we're talking about the fathers of candidates, explain this, Double Weave (click on image for expanded view):
     Yeah, that would be the same Fred C. Trump, racist slumlord, who forever earned the enmity of legendary balladeer Woodie Guthrie.

8) Gary Schaffrick
The next time you hear some misinformed right wing nut job (sorry for the tautology) screaming about transgendered people molesting our kids in bathrooms, kindly refer them to this story out of Bristol, CT:
     Gary Schaffrick, until recently the Connecticut GOP treasurer, was arrested for sexual improprieties with a five year-old boy. I won't go on about what he'd done to this poor child because vomit is hard to clean out of keyboards but one of the charges involved him bathing in the nude with that same tot.
     But wait, it gets better:
     Even with a trial pending, this pederast is still on the state GOP payroll pulling down ten grand a year and, not only that, the CT Republican Party plans to send him to Cleveland to be one of their state delegates at the Republican National Convention.
     Rock-ribbed, conservative Republican family values!

7) Paid Hillary Trolls
     "So, son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
     "Gee, Dad, I want to be a paid political operative who posts kiddie porn on the walls of candidates who won't pay me."
     "Attaboy, aim high!"
     This is apparently how mercenary Hillary Clinton troll "Casey Champagne" wants to spend his life. Because on the night before the five state mid Atlantic primary, this bloated fuck and his other paid minions swarmed virtually every Sanders Facebook wall like so many Joseph David Chadwicks and reported them for threats of violence that weren't even being made. To hedge their bets, they even posted kiddie porn on Sanders' walls and reported them for that. As Facebook relies on algorithms to make human decisions, the stupid cunts took down the Sanders walls just hours before the polls opened.
     Luckily for us, "Casey" was stupid enough to gloat on Bros 4 Hillary about his hatchet job with his fellow trolls and wound up getting himself suspended. Of course, there's at least one person who claims this didn't really happen, which doesn't explain why this happened solely to Sanders pages, why Casey was openly bragging to his buddies if it was all just a "glitch", as the Daily Beast strenuously avers, or why Champagne's own Facebook wall was deleted or why this "glitch" just happened to transpire the night before a five state primary.
     Maybe it really was all just a coincidence, just like 126,000 people getting purged from the voter rolls of a NYC borough infamous for its political activism.

6) The Benghazi Select Committee
     Yeah, the Benghazi Select Committee is so desperate to kneecap Hillary Clinton before the Democratic convention that they're willing to accept the testimony of anonymous people who called in to right wing talk shows claiming to be drone pilots during the Benghazi attack.
      That's right: Republicans are screaming about nonexistent voter fraud, non existent transgendered people molesting kids in bathrooms, Donald Trump claims through the National Enquirer Ted Cruz's father helped Oswald and the Benghazi Select Committee wants to interview callers to right wing talk shows. And these assclowns have control of Congress, making us Americans without a shadow of a doubt the stupidest people in the history of carbon.

5) Tom Delay & Co.
It seems God Himself likes to diddle the wee ones, according to former House Majority Leader and failed Lollipop Guild Member Tom DeLay when he cosigned a letter with 41 other suspiciously supportive right wing nut jobs, including former CIA Director Porter Goss, to defend crook and pederast Dennis Hastert. At one point, the letter actually stated that Hastert got his "integrity and values from God."
     Uh huh.
     So, God would have been on board with Hastert redirecting $3.5 million in lobbyist money for the purpose of hushing one of his (at least) half dozen victims of child sexual assault? His poor kid Jesus must've gotten a good hiding after that money changer incident on the Sabbath. No wonder Republicans love God so much. It's not they who have His values. In their addled minds, it's He who shares theirs.

4) North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory
"Hold on there, hoss. Y'all better have a swinging dick before you walk in that men's room!"
I think many of us on the less seedy side of the tracks can agree that North Carolina's HB2, aka "the Bathroom Bill" that prevents transgendered people from going to the proper restroom, is the most rancid anti-LGBT bullshit since Leviticus. The typically clueless GOP in North Carolina was genuinely shocked, shocked when the backlash hit them. Now North Carolina Republicans are going around in circles like so many Curly Howards on Wild Hyacinth and blaming anyone and everyone for the bill's ruinous wake.
     McCrory and his stooges in the NC legislature are blaming Charlotte Mayor Jennifer Roberts and her liberalism for Paypal pulling out of a data center project that would've brought 400 jobs to the state. The NC Attorney General is blaming McCrory. And the state's Republicans are actually blaming the Democrats for not passing homophobic legislation when they had the chance.
     Woo woo woo woo woo woo! Moe, Larry! Tickle my feet!

3) Paul Krugman
Yes, you read that correctly. I hardly ever thought I would by conscience ever include America's favorite fake Nobel economics laureate on this august list even after all his rah rah, sis boom bahing of Hillary Clinton in his "The Conscience of a Liberal" byline in the Times. Then again, I never expected Krugman to write something as astoundingly clueless as "Bernie's Bad End".
     Believe it or not, the Krug Man is taking the preemptory conspiracy theorist tactic with the Sanders campaign when they, justly, complain the Democratic primary and its staggeringly corrupt super delegate system is stacked in Hillary's favor. Krugman writes,
...Sanders did far better than expected, giving him and his movement a good claim to have a big say in the Democratic agenda for 2016 and perhaps setting the movement up as the party’s future. But to take that position — to turn defeat in the primary into a moral victory — he would have had to accept the will of the voters with grace.     
What we’re getting instead is an epic descent into whining. He dismissed Clinton victories driven by black voters as products of the conservative Deep South; he suggested that his defeat in New York was unfair because it was a closed primary (you can argue this case either way, but requiring that you identity as a Democrat to choose the Democratic nominee is hardly voter suppression... he has turned to a sort of fact-free complaint that any process under which Bernie Sanders loses is ipso facto unfair, and superdelegates should choose him despite a 3 million vote deficit.
     Well, when a candidate wins several states, some by a margin as much as 82%, and still doesn't win a super delegate, then who's really not "accept(ing) the will of the voters with grace"? How about changed party affiliations, missing Democratic ballots, 126,000 purged from the rolls in Brooklyn alone? Does that count as voter suppression? Plus, and you'll never hear a peep from Krugman about his Goldwater Girl's email scandal is about to get pegged in the thermonuclear red zone. Paul, shut the fuck up and go back to writing about soporific economic theory.

2) Ted Cruz and Carly Fiorina
Sure, it's that time of the year when presidential candidates should begin thinking of potential running mates in advance of the elections. But when you stand no mathematical chance of getting your party's nomination, doing so comes off as looking something more pathetic than your typical drape-measuring. Days ago, Ted Cruz named Carly Fiorina as his Vice Presidential running mate. Fiorina, you might remember, didn't come close to winning a single primary or caucus before dropping out of the race. Seriously, it looks as if Cruz paid Fiorina a half a million dollars to be his running mate.
     It's hard to see what Cruz sees in a failed HP CEO who tanked the company after laying off 30,000 employees and who looks like a rejected character in a Tim Burton movie. It's equally hard to see, especially regards Fiorina's massive unpopularity, what part of the country she'd help him in. But this transparently cynical attempt to appear up to date on women's rights is just a pathetic ploy to suck up to the female vote that has already by and large pledged itself to Carly's ongoing obsession, Hillary Clinton.
     Seriously, this dick move on Cruz's part makes John McCain inflicting Sarah Palin on us look like a stroke of political genius. Maybe, after Trump mops up the floor with them in California and elsewhere, the GOP's version of Charlie Starkweather and Caril Ann Fugate can sign a non-aggression pact with North Korea.

1) Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert
13 years ago, with the irony typical of clueless "For thee, not for me, mofos" Republicans, Dennis Hastert once suggested that child molesters should be put in prison for the rest of their lives and that statutes of limitations for his fellow pedophiles should be abolished. Well, a few days ago, Dennis Hastert got slapped on the wrist with a maximum prison sentence of 15 months, which is about the time it takes the 74 year-old former Speaker to get it up, for the white collar crime of structuring.
     Oh, but the kid gloves comeuppance didn't stop there, Outraged Reader, because Dennis the Menace also got socked with a $250,000 fine, which he can easily take out of his remaining $1.8 million in hush money.
     Now we finally understand why America's most notorious and hands-on wrestling coach essentially stood by and did nothing during the Mark Foley sex scandal.


At May 5, 2016 at 1:34 AM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

Good one, as usual. Pearls before no swine, I tells ya.

I'm ecstatic to see a new assclowns. There are so many!


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