Transcript of the Ted Cruz Porno Movie

     By now, I'm sure you know that one of the hottest news items on the intertubz these days is that Ted Cruz's twin, Searcy Hayes, has agreed to do a sex tape for $10,000. What you may not know is that they've already done principle photography and location scouting (most likely in a model apartment in Gulfport, MS with sparse furnishings that look oddly static and lifeless that no one in real life actually buys). In fact, the much-anticipated sex tape is already in production and will no doubt finish the arduous and lengthy post-production process by sundown.
     Never let it be said that ole JP doesn't have your best interests at heart. He's reached out to his friends acquaintances total, random strangers with whom he had absolutely no relationship whatsoever and got a raw transcript of the Ted Cruz doppelgänger porno movie. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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(Porno music with quasi-romantic fiddle in the background)
     Knock, knock.
     "Hello?"
     "Hi, I'm the Literal Constitutionalist Repair Girl. I heard you need something in your Constitution fixed?"
     "They usually don't send a female for these jobs."
     "I'm a trailblazer. May I come in?"
     "Sure, baby."
     "You look oddly familiar. Have we ever met?"
     "Have you ever been to the Values Voters summit? CPAC?"
     "Can't say I have, darlin'."
     "Want to fuck, baby?"
     "Yes, ma'am!"
(Quick disrobing scene)
     "Ooh, my! That's a big one! Every time I see something that big, I want to privatize it!"
     "Privatize this, sweetheart..."
(Music's volume swells)
     "Cum inside me, baby. Don't strand them sperm people."
     "What if I get you pregnant?"
     "Why I'll have your baby. Would you marry me?"
     "I'll have to think on that. Damn, you look awful familiar. You sure we never met, darlin'?"
     "Oh, I think I'd remember a fine, southern stud like you."
     "Suddenly, I have the urge to deny women abortions and carpet bomb the entire Middle East."
     "Oh, you're just sayin' that to make me cum faster. Keep talking dirty to me, baby!"
     "I'm a'gonna bomb your pussy 'till it glows. Ain't no Syrian refugee gettin' in there, babe!"
     "That's my baby! Oh, oh!"
Knock knock.
     "Who the fuck is that?"
     "Oh, that's my partner. You didn't think I wouldn't want a threesome, did you, big boy?"
     "Hello?"

     "Hi, stud. I'm Carly!"
     "Uh..."
     "Oh, shit! Cut! Get the fluffer here, quick!"
     "Better make it two."
     "Thank you for not noticing the booger on my mouth, doll."
     "Oh, Christ, get the Viagra and Spanish Fly, stat!"