Have Yourself a Merry Republican Xmas

It can be said that no one knows how to celebrate the birth of Christ quite like Republicans and conservatives. Whether it’s buying votes during election years from those still more than a decade from voting age and celebrating the nativity of our Lord and Savior by slinging mud at Democrats and liberals, Republicans have turned the holidays into an ideological Ground Zero thanks to Christmas warriors such as Bill O’Reilly and the GOP.

So let’s review what’s still available for your conservative friends and relatives while there are still 11 shopping days before D Day Christmas.


Sports DVD’s are made of whatever team wins a world championship, one chronicling the entire season from pre-season training straight through to its triumphant conclusion. Well, for as little as $15, you can buy your favorite teabagger the official DVD of the Tea Bagging of the Government on September 12, 2009 and narrated by Dick Armey. Included for no apparent reason is CNN footage of the massive Promise Keepers march from years ago. And if you order the deluxe collector’s edition within the next 36 minutes, you’ll get a second Special Features disk of other proud moments of the American Revolution v 1.1 such as “Incoherent Screaming at Town Halls”, “Showing Up Armed to the Teeth to Protect 2nd Amendment Rights During Health Care Town Halls”, a five hour featurette entitled “Fox Bloopers” and a three-part A&E Biography episode entitled, “Glenn Beck: The Man With His Testicles on the Chin of America.”

Bundled with the deluxe DVD is a full-scale reproduction of the full page Washington Post ad taken out by Fox News that asked, “How did ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, and CNN miss this?” (Sorry, no SAP or French language options are offered.)


For $155, you can give your Republican mother-in-law a heart attack with this incredibly grubby-looking bust of Ronald Reagan that looks more like a psychotic, putrifying James Whitmore. It’s part of the Dorian Gray collection- Unlike the perennially-resurrected 40th president, the bust and the post-Carter nation decomposes in real time.

Of course, if you want to give your conservative MIL a cheaper heart attack, tell her Obama just overturned the 22nd amendment and that he’s still young enough to run for another 5 terms.


What’s this? At The Republican Express, there's actually this Sarah Palin wall-cling. You know what those are. A certain sporting goods manufacturer makes wall clings, too. Like Gov. Palin, they’re also known as Fat heads. (Disclaimer: If Sarah Palin’s face is pointed east toward Russia, you will not absorb foreign policy experience by osmosis.)


Remember the famous painting of the dogs playing poker? Well, it was only a matter of time before someone produced a similar painting of some of our greatest Republican presidents. This 500 piece puzzle will no doubt puzzle your liberal friends who will not be able to understand why Abraham Lincoln would ever want to sit at the same table with a Watergate criminal, two Nazi-coddling war profiteers and a boob who was elected neither Vice President nor President or why Teddy Roosevelt, an environmentally-minded champion for the working man, would want to sit next to a masterfully union-busting, earth-scorching corporate fuckstick like Ronald Reagan.

Note that President Dwight D. Eisenhower, who gravely warned us about the rise of the military/industrial complex, is laughing at America with full-throated Schadenfreude for not heeding his sage words.


For those of you who haven’t yet lost your homes and property, there’s this nostalgic yard sign. Far from being a work of parody or satire, this was actually made by those who are already having withdrawal symptoms after eight years of constant deficits and war, shredded constitutional rights and civil liberties, widespread, illegal domestic spying, invoked executive privilege to dodge personal responsibility, massive job losses, a tsunami of foreclosures and federal bailouts of greedy corporations. Personally, I’m at a loss to explain the sudden wave of nostalgia for George W. Bush because, since he and his corporate hillbillies loped off Capitol Hill, nothing’s changed.


If you’re like me, a fan of subtle irony, you can distribute this ten pack of buttons to your friends on the right, especially those who are still fans of Dick “Five Deferments” Cheney, Rush “Pilonidal Cyst” Limbaugh, Ted “Shitty Pants” Nugent, Saxby “I’m Not a Veteran, I Just Play One in TV Campaign Ads” Chambliss, Mitt “I Hold a Gun Once Every 35 Years” Romney, George “Champagne Flight” Bush and any other Republican wet-leg who never saw the inside of a recruiting office or a war scenario not starring John Wayne or Audie Murphy.


If you’re feeling especially generous, you can hand these out so they’ll have something to hang their buttons on.


If you have conservative chums south of the Mason-Dixon line writhing in the dust with Obama Derangement Syndrome, you can hand these out bumper stickers for their Ford pickups so they can get a head start on the second Civil War.


They would go great with these other Republican bumper stickers.


These are the hottest '12 GOP candidates, including John Ensign (who's trailing at a dismal 0.74%, so buy an Ensign button and help him out) but no buttons of Mark Sanford or Dick Cheney.


If the GOP candidates listed above don’t grab your friends’ fancy, how about a nice Joe the Plumber for President ’12 button? A wonderfully refreshing example of a true outsider to politics and basic literacy, Mr. Wurzelbacher represents the Real American Dream: A man with no discernible intelligence or talent who becomes far more famous than most of President Obama’s Cabinet members. (Disclaimer: His name’s not Joe nor is he a plumber.)


If you live in the inner city, your homies in the GOP gotcha covered, yo. You can be the first hip hop Republican with this lid that would make you the envy of RNC chairman Michael Steele and you can fit right in with the other bloods in the ‘hood who voted Republican in spite of being skeeved by their favorite party.


Of course, if you’re going to be stuffing gifts under the trees of your favorite conservatives, then chances are you’ll have a Christmas card list. What better way to commemorate the holidays than to mail out a box of these fine, quality cards with a Grinchian Barack Obama stealing Christmas from respectable white children?


Here's another card idea from Louisiana if you want to be even more overt in your white pride.


And what more patriotically pious way is there to celebrate the birth of Christ than to compare the Speaker of the House, the First Lady and the Secretary of State to those who sell their bodies for sex? I’m at a loss to see how, people.