Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The World According to Buddy


About five days ago, I announced that my old pal Buddy the Dog has his own Twitter page but I never knew the old cur would be so funny or prolific. Anyone who's ever owned a Yellow Labrador or any big dog can probably sympathize with Buddy's endless gripes about politics, humans, religion, feline practical jokes and not getting enough food. He refers to his master only in scare quotes, is at constant war with the family cat Smokey but through all the gripes, one gets the sense that this irreverent canine could teach us a few lessons about life in general.

After just 5 days, Buddy's already up to 171 Twitter tweets and what's below are some of the best of the wit and wisdom of Buddy, a canine who deserves his own comic strip.

Buddy on Politics

I have the IQ of a 2 y/o & Daddy has to follow me with a plastic bag. I should ask him if he was ever a GOP press secretary in a past life.

I sleep 20 hours a day, I get fed for free, I occasionally bark at bad guys and I have no balls. I guess that makes me a Democrat, Daddy.

Lessee: I bark at non-existent threats, I'm a minority that runs the roost and I shit all over the place. Maybe I'm a Republican, after all.

Who's this Cheney Daddy's yelling at on TV? I knew a bulldog that looked like him. They put him down 4 biting a kid. The world's better off.

Mommy's telling Daddy to stop yelling @ the TV, they can't hear him. Take a page from my book; shit on Dick Cheney's lawn. It's what I'd do.

#nowplaying A bunch of old dudes mumbling. To me, these red and blue states are all sepia colored & these morons are living daguerrotypes.

You know the kind of dog who's always full of energy, eager to please, tongue hanging out? A word to the wise: One almost became your VP.

You guys shouldn’t swallow everything you hear from politicians. Once, I gobbled a sirloin bone whole. Man, did I pay for THAT the next day.

Buddy on Romance

My g/f Trixie killed a squirrel for me today and didn't even chew its head off. Now, THAT'S romantic but that's just me talking.

I'm looking for a perfume for my girlfriend Trixie for Valentine's Day but it has to smell like a stranger's crotch. Any suggestions?

Valentine's Day, Shmalentine's Day. Gimme my balls back. Failing that, leave an open box of Meaty Bones next to my dog bed.

Why did Mommy and Daddy get upset at me for jumping on the bed this morning? That's what they were doing. Well, Daddy was jumping on Mommy.

Buddy on Priorities

Daddy, haven't you put 2 & 2 together & realized I'm more enthusiastic about the Domino's delivery guy’s arrival than I often am over yours?

I love my family & I'd give my life for them. God help any intruder unlucky enough to break in during the 3, 4 hours I'm actually conscious.

Man's biggest worries: global warming, the economy, unemployment, terrorism. All good & well but what does that have to do with Meaty Bones?

Buddy on Religion

Only a man-made God would give dogs four legs, humans two legs and then give them the power to make us heel when they can't keep up.

You guys have Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism. I'm a pagan. I worship Meaty Bones, Beggin' Strips, bacon, Pupperonis...

Buddy on Food

Let ME be the judge of what I will or won't choke on, OK? Now throw that damned chicken bone over here.

I never knew you could do the Heimlich on a dog. OK, Daddy, you were right about the bones. That doesn't make you Marlon fucking Perkins.

Since 2005, Milk Bones have shrunk by 14.37%. No, I don't have the data to back it up. Trust me, a dog always can tell these things.

Now I know how 8-9 y/o's feel when they learn there's no Santa 'cuz I'm getting more cynical that that little chuck wagon actually exists.

Buddy's Reality Checks

Beg? OK, reality check, Daddy: I get free food, medical care, get bathed & you clean up after me. Now, who's the dominant life form, again?

OK, reality check #2, Daddy-O: There's a fine line between loyalty and too fucking lazy to look for a better family.

Reality check #3- Think it's cute when we whine & move our paws when we're asleep? We're actually dreaming of running away for better food.

"Get the stick, boy"? "Beg, boy"? OK, people, reality check #4: Remember Pavlov? For canines, ambition usually peaks with drooling.

Reality check #5: What drops on my bed is fair game. But if it's any consolation, your cell phone tasted like hand grime and morning breath.

Buddy on Aging

Why do I pee in 27 different places in the neighborhood, Daddy? What, you think canines don't suffer from enlarged prostates, either?

I'm getting fat and old. And please, no fucking pep talks about how life begins at 11.

Buddy on Cats

What do you call 100 cats in a full bathtub? The world's most dangerous Jacuzzi. Hey, don't look at me like that, I heard it on Letterman.

I'll stay off the bed, won't beg or dislocate your shoulder when I see a rabbit. Now, in the name of all that's holy, CHANGE THE LITTER BOX!

Anyone know the DEA's #? I think Smokey the cat's growing his own catnip in the backyard. There are strange cats in & out of here all day.

It's amazing how quickly cats lose their cool when you drop them into a tub. Sure, I freak out, too, but I don't act gangsta all the time.

Has anyone checked the cat for opposable thumbs? 'Cuz it would explain a lot, like my waking up with my hind legs bound up with Mom's yarn.

Buddy on Mommy and Daddy

It's not that I don't like baths but if you knew what my "master" does in the shower when Mommy's at work, you'd dig in your heels, too.

Don't go by just the tolerant wag of my tail, Daddy. Inside, I'm Lord of the fucking Dance over you coming home for the 48th time this year.

Oh, it's funny showing me a piece of meat then throwing me broccoli? OK, let's see if you think I'M funny next time you put your shoes on.

Mommy & Daddy are home from work today and are driving me crazy dragging me on a long nature hike. What is this, Lawrence of fucking Arabia?

"Master" finally had a job interview today. It's about time but if he gets the job, there's gonna be a sudden, massive online porn glut.

Buddy on Other Dogs

Look, Mommy, just cuz a dog barks on TV, it doesn't mean we'll respond to it. You wanna know what they all say? "I'm hungry!" That's all.

There's a black lab on the wall with no eyes who keeps staring at me & moves when I move. I'm not racist, he just creeps me out, is all.

I knew a cocker spaniel who looked like Lindsey Graham. Walked into a Korean place 1 day, never came out. I don't miss him.

Why are little dogs so belligerent, you ask? I dunno but I've seen Chihuahuas with foot-long peckers so R.I.P. that theory.

My great grandfather Bohunk once introduced himself to the original Benji. For a month, he never washed his snout.

My great uncle Buster was stupid even for a yellow Lab. He used to chase bumper cars. Uncle Buster only lived until three.

Still, the Olympics beats the Eukanuba Dog Show. That shit makes me think, You prancing zombies, what wasted opportunities for embarrassment.

I feel so sorry for those dogs in Afghanistan. Not a single tree or fire hydrant in sight and chasing car bombs simply has no future in it.

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