We Are the 23%: A Conservative Manifesto

By Cyril Blubberpuss, on sabbatical from the boardroom.

Liberal blogs like this are too biased and need a desperate dose of some fairness and balance. So libtard Jurassicpork allowed me to provide my own Conservative Manifesto as a much needed counterweight to his subversive friend Flannigan's own manifesto. Any misspellings, factual errors and grammatical mistakes are, of course, the liberal media's fault.

The Conservative Manifesto

We are the 23% majority.

We are the diehard patriots that got George W. Bush elected president of the United States in spite of being the first oil man who failed to find oil in the Lone Star State and terrorists in the Middle East.

Through bottom-down grassroots funding from the 1%, we represent every paranoid regressive who sees Stalin and Hitler behind everything our Kenyan president says and does. Every day Obama does not suck the cock of a Wall Street executive is a failure. Think of that, people: 365 failures times nearly three!

It doesn't matter if his Economic Council is made of up of Wall Street tycoons, that his jobs czar is the current head of General Electric, it doesn't matter that his Chief of Staff used to be a high-ranking executive with Citigroup, it doesn't matter that he failed to deliver on his promise to end tax breaks to offshore US corporations that take American jobs with them and it doesn't matter that he whistles Dixie and allows Chamber of Commerce CEO Tom Donohue to ship American jobs out of this country faster than China, India, Mexico and Singapore can set up their rickety sweat shops.

If it doesn't result in the back of Obama's throat being coated daily with corporate penis butter, it's anti-corporate, hence antiAmerican.

Conservatives are also smarter than liberals. As proof of this, how else can you explain the richest and most powerful men on earth being able to convince the poorest to vote Republican and protest on behalf of Wall Street at the complete forfeiture of whatever little rights they've gained under the Democrat Party? How else to explain that some of the most batshit insane loonies this side of Orly Taitz and Donald Trump can whip up the 23% into a frenzy over a non-issue such as a birth certificate?

How else can you explain how David "Pampers" Vitter is still in office after trolling the streets of New Orleans with a full load in his diaper while Anthony Weiner got shouted out of office over a few Twitter photos?

I can explain it two words: Party Unity. That and a magical Teflon-like ability perfected by our St. Ronnie to escape exaction through endless hypocrisy, the Teflon-like ability exhibited by Newt Gingrich, who got to serve his final term despite getting involved with an intern barely out of high school while leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton over the same thing?

We ourselves are leading the charge by keeping your pristine minds as uncluttered as possible by making you hysterical over ACORN getting blacks to vote, prayer in the classrooms, gay marriage, bird flu, Planned Parenthood, socialized medicine, Ground Zero mosques and HPV vaccines while pooh-poohing actual dangers such as global warming. We proudly did our job by proclaiming Bush the winner in 2000 by hiring his first cousin John Ellis who swam against the stream when all the other networks proclaimed Gore the winner.

We made Bush and Cheney relevant yet again by racheting up the terror level every time their poll numbers took a dip four years later. We kept us in Iraq until private industry was either stuffed to the gills with taxpayer cash or firmly entrenched in Iraq at the expense of the battered Iraqi people that we painted as ungrateful.

We covered for Karl Rove and Co. when Valerie Plame was outed as a covert CIA agent at the expense of her career and our investigation of the Axis of Evil's weapons infrastructure then again when those nine US attorneys were fired for not being good enough Republicans.

We are the 23%, the Unsilent Majority and, unlike the fractious Democrat Party, we succeed because we have party unity and are not afraid to be hidebound by political ideology. Our secret is hijacking debates and setting the terms so that homosexuality is now and forever a moral issue, climate change a mere conspiracy theory and wealth redistribution in the slightest is heresy, treason and sedition.

And despite being the Unsilent Majority, we have somehow stolen two presidential elections, countless House and Senate seats, packed the Supreme Court with ideologues and have earned the eternal good graces of the liberal media by manufacturing consensus through corporately-funded Tea Party rallies and Swiftboat Veteran-like 527s.

And until you learn party unity and actually concentrate on the issues that matter, we will always win.

(Cyril Blubberpuss is the pseudonym for an anonymous executive whose many interests include presenting non-liberal viewpoints through GOP connections.)