President Trump Praises Traitors at Ohio Rally

Lebanon, Ohio ---
     Last night at a rally in Lebanon, Ohio, President Donald Trump lavished praise on Confederate General Robert E. Lee and other examples of the greatest traitors in world history.
     “So Robert E. Lee was a great general and Abraham Lincoln developed a phobia. He couldn’t beat Robert E. Lee. He (Lincoln) had all of these generals. They looked great. They were the top of their class at West Point. They were the greatest people,” the president said to inhabitants of a state that wasn't part of the Confederacy and had abolished slavery by 1802. “There was only one problem: They didn’t know how the hell to win."
      Then, emboldened, the president drifted further from the script and began praising the most notorious traitors in human history. After treating the enthusiastic crowd to an impromptu history lesson on the Civil War, he then went back to the Revolutionary War.
     "Ya know who else was an underappreciated general? Benedict Arnold. I almost hate to say it, folks, but he was a great general. Washington loved him until dat West Point witch hunt cooked up by da fake and crooked media. And ya know, Arnold wouldn't'a done what he did if da liberal Democrats in Congress did da right thing an' just paid da man. Seriously. Sad. Very sad. But ya know sumpthin'? At least he wasn't captured," he concluded with emphasis in an apparent jab at John McCain's dead body.
     The Commander in Chief then abruptly moved forward in time and began talking about Quisling and the Vichy French.
     "I once took a lotta heat for usin' da phrase 'shithole countries' an' why we couldn't bring over more people from Norway. Ya know who I was thinkin' about when I said dat? Quisling, dat's who. Think about it. All Quisling wanted to do was make everybody get along like I am now. Think about how much of an easier time Norway would'a had if they'd just worked in cooperation wit' Hitler's people.
     "It's just like da Vichy French. All dey tried to do was work wit' some very fine people in Hitler's government and what did dey do to 'em after da war?" The President then made a chopping motion across his wattled neck and making a whooshing sound. "Off weeth zere heads," he said in a bad French accent, "Dat's gratitude, huh? Macron hates it when I bring dat up every time I see him."
     Sean Hannity of Fox News, hearing of the praise for Nazi era war criminals, immediately broke into Fox's regular programming to comment, "The crowd eerily grew more and more silent, obviously because they were in awe of the president's unique grasp of history." Hannity then appeared to try to say, "Heil Goebbels" before he was cut off.
     During the entire rally, which lasted an hour and 15 minutes and was not otherwise covered by Fox, Trump lavished praise on the unlikeliest of recipients including Confederate president Jefferson Davis.
     "Now, dere's a guy I could'a dealt wit', although he was a skinny-ass feller. I would'a told him, 'Hey, Jeff, eat a steak or sumpthin'. You want a steak, I got steaks!'"
     Then the president mysteriously concluded with words about Nathan Hale, the patriot spy who was hung by the British.
     "But don't even get me started on Hale. You know I don't like guys who were captured," said the five time draft dodger. "And some may say George da Third was a tyrant an' like me, dey say he was botz in da head. He was a strong man an' I respect dat. Hale? Dat's no way to treat authority. Me? I would'a rooted him out in a New York minute, lemme tell youse. I know rats, folks, believe you me. My administration's fulla dem." And the president gave an unspecified spot ahead of him the middle finger before lumbering off the stage.