Re-elect Trump or We All Die

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

"We're all gonna die! Incoming!" I screamed as I waddled away from a Syrian hot dog vendor so I wouldn't have to pay my tab. OK, perhaps a bit hyperbolic but it works every time. Donnie taught me that trick in 1979.

     But I'm not too far off. The liberal wackjob that runs this septic tank of a blog would tell you "#Still Sanders!, bleat, bleat, bleat!". Even though Sanders has as about much chance of getting elected as the Red Sox have of running the table and winning the World Series again. Ha! Suck it, Alex Cora!

      Indeed, the security of the Free World and everything we hold dear depends entirely on my old buddy Donald Trump getting reelected so he can stave off indictment for another four years, more than that if they come for him on Inauguration Day 2025 and he chains himself to the Resolute Desk, which he told me is his Final Solution (Yes, sorry to say, he actually used those words).

     I actually went to the G7 in the South of France with Trump as an economic advisor to him and Mnuchin (who's a capital fellow, if you can get past the smell of Mexican fish sauce that always seems to exude from him). So better than all but a handful of people on the planet, I can tell you what the stakes are and they're higher than Donnie's and Stevie's snouts when they walk into a room full of non-billionaires.

     First off, no one can handle  this so-called trade war with China than our Tariff Tsar, Donald Trump. How do you think Hillary would manage it (Oh, they say she's not running but just leave it up to the witch to struggle out from under the bushes and jiggle her pants-suited way to the finish line just before primary season)? It'd be a disaster. that's how it would go!

     She'd show up in Beijing with a big red reset button for Xi like she did Lavrov when she was Secretary of State. Then next thing you know, the Chinks will resume flooding our market with inferior goods made in non-union sweatshops like this, for instance, and... OK, maybe we'd better not go there for now. Besides, our boys in Delaware are taking care of that little embarrassment even as I write this.

     Anyway, if Trump loses to anyone it'll be a liberal shitshow, even though that's a tautology, and that's even on the astronomical chance Joe "I found my inner liberal!" Walsh (R-Wage Garnishment) gets the GOP nomination. Just think what'll happen if Sanders gets the nomination then actually wins! He'll take the Oath of Office on Marx's Das Kapital and they'll be serving fucking borscht at the Inaugural Ball! And don't even get me started on how much it'd cost to get that old man smell out of the Oval Office!

     This election takes me back to the good old days when Goldwater was running for the presidency back in '64. I was a little boy and my baby brother Cecil wasn't even a bump in the old lady's belly when the arch conservative of his day attended a fundraiser organized by our father, Ambrose Blubberpuss.

     Father Ambrose was the first billionaire in our family and was a good friend of Fred Trump, Fred Koch and other fascists named Fred (there're a lot more than you think). In fact, both Freds were there and young Donald was there, barely 18 years old and already ogling the, uh, 16 year-old Hillary Clinton. I'll never forget listening in on the conversation that dear old Dad had with Senator Goldwater.

     "Goldwater. Isn't that Jewish?"

     "Stop talking to me."

     The conversation kinda went downhill from that point on but Dad cut the check, anyway, Barry of course cashed it and went on to one of the most memorable presidential elections in recent memory. If only LBJ hadn't done that Daisy campaign spot showing the world what Barry Goldwater wanted to do to North Vietnam, Barry would've carried maybe two or three states. Instead, Johnson endlessly extended the War, whereas Barry would've ended it overnight like with Japan and WWII.

     Anyway, I digress.

     The fact is, no one understands isolationism like my good friend Donnie. He pulled us out of the Paris Climate Accord, the UN Human Rights Council, the INF Nuclear Treaty, the Iran Agreement and, if what I hear is correct, he'll actually use the upcoming Space Force to relocate our great country to the moon or maybe Mars.