A Yellow Dog Democrat on a Blue Dog Democrat

I could mention some pretty salacious things about Martha Coakley. I could mention that she’s a big supporter of the USA PATRIOT Act and I could mention the Amirault day care abuse case that landed three innocent people in prison.

I could say that no one, not even her supporters, really wants Martha Coakley in the United States Senate. Until November, when she started out with an empty war chest, no one outside the Bay State had heard of our glorious, crusading Attorney General. I could say that the only reason anyone wants Coakley is because of the piece of shit health care “reform” bill that the Democrats are about to set on fire and leave on America’s doorstep. Coakley’s election to the Senate would for a brief time, until the 2010 midterms, keep alive that filibuster-proof majority that’s served the 111th Congress so well in the upper chamber.

I could say the reasons for wanting Coakley or the other professional douche bag, MA state senator Scott Brown, in the Senate exactly mirror the same rationale for Bush wanting Roberts and Alito on the Supreme Court- They were hired guns installed primarily to take one shot and one shot only and the target is Roe v Wade. Anything else they do on the bench the right wing couldn’t give a flying fuck about, as long as they do their level-headed best to ban abortion again at the earliest available opportunity.


However, this is a United States Senate seat and as of late we’ve seen some valuable senate seats being handed out like balloons at the dentist’s, seats that had been handed to elderly seat warmers who never had the slightest intention of running for actual election. I’m speaking specifically of Burris given Obama’s seat, Kaufman given Biden’s seat and Kirk given Kennedy’s seat. Kirk, especially, was given Kennedy’s seat when Beacon Hill rewrote the rules of succession so Deval Patrick could quickly install a guy with a “D” after his name so Kennedy could still posthumously vote for his signature issue.

But those appointments were relatively harmless because it was always understood that none of these well-meaning senior citizens would ever commit the crime of being old and in the way. They, too, were installed simply to keep that magical 60th seat, even though Al Franken wouldn’t take his seat until early July.

Martha Coakley or Scott Brown getting in the Senate is far more insidious because they’re running to not only get in the Senate but to stay in it and without the health care bill being up for grabs, this particular run-off election in Massachusetts on January 19th would hardly merit a yawn. So while there are plenty of reasons on the public record that I could dispassionately give you for not voting for her, I’m going to cite personal ones.

Being a 32 year-long Massachusetts resident, I can cite personal reasons why Martha Coakley’s insertion into the US Senate would be the most catastrophic event in the upper chamber since the election of Joe Lieberman.

Martha Coakley, as I’m sure many of you know, is our Attorney General. She was also the Middlesex County District Attorney and I personally know her and have had dealings with her, let’s say, on “a professional basis.”

From the beginning of her career, especially after she became the AG, Martha Coakley has proved to be a triangulating, glory-seeking cunt of the first magnitude. When the corpse of a Worcester prostitute was found near the road leading to our local mall, Coakley was right there at the scene of the dumping preening for the cameras like a character out of a bad John Grisham movie making promises to apprehend and prosecute the serial killer who did this foul, foul deed (we never did).

OK, DA’s do that since they, too, are elected officials, and theater is part of the game.

But this is a woman who headed up a District Attorney’s office in which her assistants would show up literally half the time unprepared to try their cases yet be given unlimited grace periods by the equally corrupt judges in our court system (particularly Robert A. Belmonte). It was a DA’s office that would willingly work in collusion with the astoundingly inept and corrupt Marlborough Police Department that would “lose” not only master copies of incident reports but the photostats of them on file at the courthouse clear across the city (I guess they realized only too late that the way they accosted me inpinged in my civil liberties). Then, ten months after the original incident, rewritten copies of the incident report (with the logistics magically altered) would just as mysteriously be reinserted into the dockets (three copies are made, in case you didn’t know) and would actually be introduced as evidence as if no one would be aware of this Winston Smith dexterity. And of course, no one was, except for yours truly, the victim of Martha Coakley’s treachery.

Yet, in spite of presiding over a legal team too lazy to show up prepared to prosecute even bullshit cases of driving unregistered/uninsured, Coakley continued going after me as if I was John Dillinger, allowed the Marlborough Police Department (specifically Officers Jimmy Polymeros and Derek Johnson) to perjure themselves so Martha could up her conviction rate on what amounted to a bullshit charge (they even tried to charge me for driving without a license until I showed the shyster my perfectly valid license). For good measure, they also folded into their lawsuit another bullshit charge of abandoning my car after I threw a rod and couldn’t afford to fix it (it was parked 50 feet from my house with the permission of the property owner and with the plate and VIN plate still attached and many of my belongings inside).

But what Martha Coakley, that pinched faced, Coulter-class cunt of the first magnitude, did to one of my best friends a decade ago is something that made headlines not only in our state but from coast to coast. What happened to me pales in comparison to what she’d done to my friend.

She doesn’t want me mentioning her name but after I give you the particulars, a simple Google search will lead you to the news stories and mentions on BBS’s still extant.

My friend, we’ll call her Dee Dee, was the director of a day care center in my town. To even work in a day care requires vigorous training and certification through the OFC (Office For Children). She’d worked long and hard to rise to the level of director and when we went out, Ingrid and I used to trust her with our children when they were small. I’ve known Dee Dee for over 20 years and she’s raised two productive children of her own.

Now, one day Dee Dee was joking around with a couple of parents and tore off two small pieces of duct tape and affixed them to the sleeves of a little girl who was eight months old and no one though anything of it. Then a disgruntled employee decided to report my friend and before anyone knew it, Martha fucking Coakley was on her crusade mobile wearing her crusading costume. Fox “News” and all the major networks had affiliates staking out Dee Dee’s house, looking in her window, following her everywhere. I still recall her seeking refuge at mine and Ingrid’s house just to get away from the neverending parade of intrusive reporters.


The woman was found guilty in the press long before her trial. To listen to Martha Coakley and the press (and to the idiots who read and heard the allegations without once challenging it), this is what happened at the day care. Nothing could be further from the truth. The child was not airborne and her feet never left the floor.

Yet the parents, overweight, pork rind-crunching savants looking for a quick payday, manufactured some right proper outrage, they did, and it being an election year (2000), Martha fucking Coakley was only too glad to oblige by taking what she thought she could yeast up into a slam dunk case.

Well… to cut to the chase, Dee Dee was found guilty, she lost her day care license, paid a hefty fine, spent a week in MCI Framingham (our only maximum security female prison. Yes, she was sent to a maximum security prison), was put on probation for five years and was not allowed to have any interaction with her (at the time) one grandchild. She was fucked out of a career for which she’d worked long and hard because she wanted to win an easy case and it was an election year.

A monstrous postscript: In the civil suit, the wart hogs who’d somehow produced this beautiful child got six figures from the daycare owner, thereby essentially trashing her chain of day care centers. The shithead who presided over the civil trial was somehow convinced that the family suffered something known in the law books as “a loss of consortium” (which, I don’t imagine, is because virtually everyone in that inbred family of northeastern hillbillies is a socially-retarded golddigger).

And that, Constant Reader, is why I do not want that cunt in my Senate. That is why I’m tempted to vote this Tuesday for that other douche bag Scott Brown, whose main claim to fame is his bubble-headed daughter and failed American Idol contestant Ayla. Yes, I probably will, even though 99.999% of the time I’m a Yellow Dog Democrat (and I would literally vote for my dog Buddy over any Republican if I could get him on the ballot).

But I simply cannot stand the thought of Martha fucking Coakley, one of the few women I’ve ever met who deserves to be reduced to her own withered and bone-dry genitalia, succeeding a true liberal like Ted Kennedy. Martha Coakley would be Joe Lieberman in drag and would vote to curtail your civil rights and fuck you out of whatever little privacy the Bush administration left you with long after the health care bill’s been decided. Martha Coakley derailed my life, wasted my time, made me lose my job hauling me into court every week or two and ruined the life, reputation and career of my best friend.

Imagine what she’ll do to the rest of us as a United States Senator.