Friday, September 9, 2011

Christine Sez, "Apologize t' the Baby Jebus!"


Dear Danny boy:

Only cynics would accuse Christine O'Donnell, who will one day surely ride the short bus to heaven and will no longer have to wear a football helmet, of trying to wring the last second of her long-expired 15 minutes of fame by demanding MSNBC's Chris Matthews to apologize for calling Bible Belters people of low IQ's.

Obviously, Crissie used to be a party girl who four long years ago would crash parties in a pre-enebriated state, pass out in strange men's beds after getting naked and teasing their cocks by then informing them that she was a virgin and intended to stay that way. But, the Lord be praised! Cougar Crissie has since seen the error of her ways.

Indeed, why should other Bible Belters be slapped with "Tweety's" wide "low IQ" brush just because your client O'Donnell was passed over when God was apportioning brains and common sense on his never-ending assembly line of humanity? It's certainly a stretch and a leap of, well, faith to claim stupidity and ignorance on a group of people who believe, as do many of us, that the earth is only 6,000 years old, evolution is a myth, dinosaurs and men coexisted and Charles Darwin was the homosexual father of Commie Karl Marx?


Alas, Christine, possibly because of her gutsy cut-and-run tactics during book-promoting interviews, is running out of venues and, like Sarah Palin before her, is now reduced to making balcony pronouncements on her Facebook and Twitter accounts. What promisingly started out as a flurry of morbid interest as that shown by wary circus-goers at a listless, half-baked sideshow was soon extinguished 24 hours later. Sort of like a dog shit fire that's starved of oxygen or shit to burn. Cowardly talk show hosts, fearful that O'Donnell will bump their Nielsen ratings by storming out at the mention of gay rights, are to blame for this and Christine must make do with what she has.

Hence her demand that Matthews apologize to the Christian soldiers of the Baby Jebus. Being a powerful, self-made woman who, in between wearing ladybug costumes and waging a one-woman jihad on clit-fingering, O'Donnell is certainly in a position to demand satisfaction especially of those who do not respect her well-meaning medievalism. She did it during her concession speech on election night last November when she made demands of victor Chris Coons even while his shoe was on her neck.

It was inspiring to watch the woman's moxie as she made such audacious demands of those much higher up in the intellectual food chain than she, even on a night when she got crushed by 17 points and should have in no way, shape or form ever been considered for a million dollar book deal and reinserted back into the public eye like a recently extracted sharp stick.

And then you showed up out of the blue, Danny boy, like a guardian angel in a gabardine armed with nothing but an agreement of representation for an unwritten book and a gold pen. And if that incredible act of wingnut welfare, which O'Donnell would no doubt call manna, doesn't bespeak of this woman's godliness and moral authority over apostates such as Matthews, then nothing does.

Hallelujah!

Your humble and reverential servant,

JP

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