Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Why Aren’t Republican Failures Evolving Into Authors?

Dear Danny Boy:

Apparently, you failed to take under advisement some of my suggestions that could’ve delayed the inevitable (That being your client Christine O’Donnell’s ghost-written pissing and moaning about losing the 2010 Delaware Senate Election winding up in the bargain bin at Wal-Marts, Targets and other fine right wing Big Box stores). I say this with sincere regret because Nielsen Bookscan, which tracks book sales, reports that Ms. O’Donnell’s highly-anticipated memoir has sold only 2000 copies (although it's a known fact this does not include sales at Wal-Mart, Sam's Club or elsewhere in Mr. Sam's empire. Otherwise, with the likely literacy quotient of your typical Wal-Mart purveyor of Chinese-made goods, the sales from Wal-Mart could've bumped her up to 2100).

It doesn’t augur well when Senator Rand Paul’s own deathless prose, I Was Not Named After Ayn Rand, which had sold a whopping 6000 copies, beat Ms. O’Donnell’s book sales by 300%. No doubt, the key to actual sales lies in actually winning elections. Take Dick Cheney’s own autobiography, If You Don’t Like Torture, Then Go Fuck Yourself, which came out just a few days ago. Mere days after its release, IYDLTTGFY is the #1 selling book on Amazon. The former Vice President/President of Halliburton Contract Procurement’s secret to literary success is obvious and one that Ms. O’Donnell should’ve copied on Election Night: She should’ve named herself to the Senate regardless of the will of the people.

To be fair, Ms. O’Donnell can take heart that her recent book signing at a Barnes & Noble in Naples, Florida attracted five people (including a presidential candidate). It’s promising because, by coincidence, five is exactly the number of people who’d showed the slightest bit of interest in literary lion Joe the Plumber’s book in 2009. At her signing, Ms. O’Donnell offers through her book and example valuable advice on politics, which is somewhat akin to single mom Bristol Palin giving abstinence advice to teenage girls.

How much would it suck to be disinvited by the very same people who in the past have invited to their rallies people like Joe the Plumber and Victoria Jackson? Granted, she didn’t help her own cause by once asking, “Why aren’t monkeys still evolving into humans?” But at the time, who knew this would be singled out for examination and ver batim reiteration by the liberal mainstream media considering the other idiotic statements by Tea Bagger darlings and other Flat Earthers?

In spite of being the most godly woman in America, it’s obvious that the Lord does not want Ms. O’Donnell to be an author in spite of yours and St. Martin’s Press’s most valiant efforts in the interests of what liberals call “wingnut welfare.” Perhaps He’s waiting for her to actually win an election and make something of herself before investing His energies and good graces toward future literary masterpieces.

In the future, let me take an unread page from Ms. O'Donnell's neglected masterpiece and offer you a bit of advice: Before body-tackling the next Republican loser of an election a mere 31 days after a non-concession speech and cynically trying to hustle a fast buck by fast-tracking their ghost-written book while the iron's still hot lukewarm, stop, consider and ask yourself:

"Does America really need yet another ghost-written memoir by another right wing brain transplant candidate?" You might also wish to ask, "How big of a douchebag can I be as both a literary agent and a human being before God finally notices me, pinches me by the penis and dangles me and my eternal soul over the mouth of Lucifer?"

Except, of course, we all know you'd already long ago sold your soul to the Giver of Light for a huge seven figure advance and 15%.


At August 31, 2011 at 9:58 AM, Anonymous Dee in NJ said...

Amazing. They'll give a book deal to an idiot like her and ignore other worthwhile authors. I guess they like her brand of bullshit fiction better than something that's decently written.

At August 31, 2011 at 10:40 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Are you thinking of any unpubbed author in particular? ;-)

At August 31, 2011 at 11:53 AM, Anonymous Fullasmirk said...

Does KKKarl Paladino have a book out? I bet he could provide some excellent illustrations, like the ones in his e.mails.

At August 31, 2011 at 1:10 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

It wouldn't surprise me since both successful and failed Republicans can get a book contract and literary agent more easily than you and I can get a cup o' joe at Dunkin' Donuts.

At August 31, 2011 at 1:36 PM, Anonymous Dee in NJ said...

Well, there's you, the only should-be legit author I know (next to shaking hands with Stephen King once - haven't washed that hand in years).

Then there's my cookbook entitled "How to cook braciole 23 different ways". With everyone and his brother publishing a cookbook, I can't figure out why I can't get mine published either. I'm currently working on "How to cook brisket 23 different ways". Oy vey.

At September 1, 2011 at 12:47 PM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

I've been reading you and suddenly I can post again. I wanted you to know that I faithfully read your blog even thought you don't hear from me. Blogger had been refusing to let me leave comments...

Love your writing, JP!

At September 1, 2011 at 12:51 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Thx, CR.

At September 2, 2011 at 10:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Otherwise, with the likely literacy quotient of your typical Wal-Mart purveyor of Chinese-made goods, the sales from Wal-Mart could've bumped her up to 2100"

"Purveyor"? Should that have been "consumer"? Or is punctuation separating clauses missing?
Please explain. Very confusung.


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