Thursday, August 25, 2011

Dear Chairman Rinsed Penis, Pt. 6


I always say that a day without a Pravda-esque announcement by Republican National Committee Chairman Rinsed Penis that other wild and crazy Republican guy out of Wisconsin is like a day without sunshine. This landed in my inbox last night, courtesy of Mrs. JP:
Dear ,

Our Party has a great slate of conservative candidates vying for the Republican presidential nomination who can defeat Barack Obama's Billion Dollar money machine and reverse the damage his left-wing agenda has inflicted on our economy and freedoms.

, you and your fellow Republican grassroots leaders will determine through primary voting who our nominee will be. But right now, I need an update on who you would vote for if the primary in your state were held today.

So please take a moment right now to do two very important things for me:

1. Cast your vote in the RNC's Presidential Straw Poll. This is your opportunity to voice your support for your favorite candidate.
2. Make a special campaign contribution of $25, $50, $100 or more to help our Party lay the foundation to elect your choice for Republican president and more GOP candidates in your state.

Your individual vote will not be shared with any of the possible Republican presidential candidates. Only compiled results will be released -- when you contribute you can see the results in real time.

Barack Obama will raise over a BILLION DOLLARS. The RNC is the ONLY Party committee permitted by federal law that can help counter him by providing direct financial support to our presidential nominee. Regardless of who our eventual nominee will be, there is truly no more important priority for our Party -- or our country -- than recapturing the White House in 2012.

In just over two and a half years, President Obama's radical leftist policies have led to the loss of more than 2 million jobs, over 6 million foreclosures, $500 billion in higher taxes and yearly trillion dollar deficits.

Now he's raising money hand-over-fist -- $86 million in just three months -- to secure another term in the Oval Office so he can fully implement his socialist schemes that will ultimately bankrupt our country, lead to the government takeover of health care and the demise of Medicare, and put us in hock to creditors like communist China for generations to come.

Obama and the Democrats had their chance to lead -- and they failed miserably. To turn our country around, we must elect a Republican President of the United States in 2012.

So please take this opportunity to make your voice heard by participating in the RNC's Presidential Straw Poll... and then help our Party take back the White House, regain complete control of Congress and elect more GOP governors in 2012 by making a campaign contribution of $25, $50, $100 or more to the RNC today.

, your commitment and generous support is the only way we can make Barack Obama a one-term president and stop his liberal assault on our country's prosperity and freedoms. Please let me hear from you today. Thank you.

Dear Comrade Penis:

As borderline hot lesbian Rachel Maddow pointed out a week ago, "I know that hypocrisy is the crime that has no punishment in politics." And in that respect, Republicans have been very prolific criminals in berating the President for going on a summer vacation from their golf clubs despite Mr. Obama having taken a third of the vacation time as George W. Bush at this time in his first term. And, of course, as Maddow also pointed out with her usual liberal vitriol, the Republican who screams the loudest about Obama's Canadian Darth Vader bus will get their own.

But you, Mr. Chairman, are continuing that proud Republican tradition of hypocrisy with impunity by preemptively screaming from the rafters about Obama raising a billion dollars when in fact he's yet to raise even a tenth of that amount. And how dare our Chief Executive even think about raising any money to keep his job? That's something allowed only by Republicans, such as George W. Bush collecting over $200,000,000 just for the GOP primary in his reelection bid in 2004 and over a third of a billion overall.

Indeed, Mr. Bush's top 20 campaign contributors from 2004 reads like a Who's Who of the SEC's Top Ten Most wanted:
Morgan Stanley $603,480
Merrill Lynch $586,254
PricewaterhouseCoopers $514,250
UBS AG $474,325
Goldman Sachs $394,600
Lehman Brothers $361,525
MBNA Corp $350,350
Credit Suisse Group $326,040
Citigroup Inc $320,820
Bear Stearns $313,150
Ernst & Young $305,140
US Government $295,786
Deloitte LLP $292,250
Wachovia Corp $279,310
US Dept of Defense $279,157
Ameriquest Capital $253,130
Blank Rome LLP $225,150
US Dept of State $223,330
Bank of America $218,261
AT&T Inc $214,920

Note that Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers are, sadly, no longer with us despite them giving nearly $675,000 to an administration that left them to twist in the wind and to be made an example of to prove just how serious the 2008 financial meltdown was.

However, the other top 20 contributors, including Merrill Lynch, PricewaterhouseCoopers, Wachovia, Goldman Sachs, Bank of America, subprime mortgage emperors Ameriquest Capital, AT&T, Inc., MBNA, Credit Suisse Group, Deloitte LLP, UBS AG, Citigroup and Ernst & Young all enjoy colorful reputations to this day that are beyond reproach.

Mitt Romney, who would surely bring about a second golden age of the corporate presidency that had served us so well between 2001-2009, raised more cash from lobbyists than all the other Republican contenders combined.

As for the "great slate of conservative candidates" opposing the Socialist Obama (under whom Wall Street somehow valiantly manages to turn a handsome profit quarter after quarter), indeed, we are faced with such a dazzling array of conservative worthies as to plunge the entire nation into comfortable numbness and paralysis. Indeed, when a virtual unknown such as Jon Huntsman can "inject excitement" into the presidential race by quitting his job a la Sarah Palin, then the indecision regarding we Republican voters is understandable.

I remain yours, Comrade Penis, in solidarity and unthinking loyalty.

Your humble and obedient servant,
JP

3 Comments:

At August 27, 2011 at 4:03 PM, Anonymous I'm amazed, in a bad way said...

Did Rinsed actually write that (or more likely, have someone else write it and send it ount under his name.)? It's like the ignorant shit a fourth-rate Red State mouth-breather blogger would scribble. That's what the official echelons of the Refucklican Party have become, a bunch of feeble-minded, frothing-at-the-fingers bloggers. Yet they still reel in millions of dollars in campaign money, while left-wingers (including you) don't get a cent.

 
At August 27, 2011 at 6:53 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Oh yeah. These are all real and unedited. And if you want to rectify the situation, you know where the Paypal button is.

 
At August 29, 2011 at 4:18 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

dear amazed,
yes, those are real RNC emails. i somehow got on their email list (maybe because i keep emailing john boehner - where are the jobs john !) and now i just forward them to JP. so, for good or ill, they are all too real.

mrs. jp

 

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