Wednesday, February 1, 2012

And Now, a Word From Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American

(In the interests of fairness and balance, I've decided to let Mr. Cyril Blubberpuss, longtime if intermittent conservative contributor and pundit, provide us with a conservative counterpoint. Mr. Blubberpuss has graciously consented to take some valuable time from the boardroom and his male escorts so he could air out his views here at Pottersville. And if any views need airing out, it's Cyril's.)

Jesus Christ Was a Shitty Businessman.

As I was cleaning a divot from my golf shoes on my caddie's neck the other day, I was put in mind of an old aphorism about Jesus Christ and how he never owned anything but the rags on his body. And I thought, What a sap! It's also said that Jesus never traveled more than 30 miles from his birthplace and that makes him a double sap. Imagine how much more political power he would've accrued if he'd invested in a Lear jet!

And my reinterpretation of the life of Jesus is admittedly discolored like the white sheet of a bedwetter. I cannot abide someone who neglects his hygiene, cares not how he looks in public and renounces all earthly possessions for the proletariat. Obviously, Christ was politically savvy and was doing this for the sake of populism but consider also that (and, granted, there was no Citizen's United to give him a Super PAC) Jesus never once held public office.

This is why I'm throwing in my endorsement for Mitt Romney. To paraphrase the late, great John Houseman, Mitt made his money the old fashioned way: In Probate Court after the old man's will cleared. Mitt's worth at least a quarter of a billion dollars, which means he's worth maybe 40 quadrillion Jesuses of Nazareth.

So while Jesus actually hated the proletariat (after all, he made them wash his filthy feet, toenail fungus and all) and proved it when he overturned the tables of the Money Changers as they were trying to do some honest business on the Sabbath. I mean, how hostile is that to free enterprise and whatever is hostile to the free market is hostile to people everywhere. Note, also, that even getting tacked up on a fucking cross didn't make him, well, as cross as the Money Changers.

Mitt's a lot more honest than Christ was. While Christ was busy turning perfectly good bread into fish and water into cheap wine for the poor, Mitt pulls no punches and says, "I honestly don't give a flying fuck about the very poor." If Scrooge were still alive, he, too, would be throwing his endorsement behind Romney. Because, like Scrooge, Romney thinks the very poor are already taken care of by the government tit and has promised to fix shit like Social Security and Medicare.

Like putting it on the craps tables of Wall Street, my turf. Just think what that $2.6 trillion surplus can be turned into once guys like Bernie Madoff, Jamie Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein get their hands on the crown jewel of your retirements! Or as socialist Eugene Debs once said, "the dreams of many in the hands of one." Cha-ching!

Let's see Obama do that!

But he won't or can't because he didn't know what to do with the massive deficit and national debt that he inherited as surely Willard inherited his daddy George's fortune. Or so I hear. Willard's been denying this for years. I think he's just being modest.

Whatever. My bottom line on this Jesus legacy is, he makes for a useful idiot for the Goobers who sing hosannas even while they're fornicating and defecating but I personally don't see the appeal of a man who was so hostile to capitalism even before capitalism was invented.

Mitt Romney is what America needs because how else are we going to get out of this mess? We need a man, a strong man with a big jaw who knows how to run a business to run this country. Look how well it worked out the last time.

And if certain victims of a hostile takeover, say, oh, Social Security, Medicaid or Medicare can't make the cut by not turning a profit, fuck 'em. It's not as if Mitt and I need any such thing.


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