Sunday, March 31, 2013

Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention

     These past couple of weeks, Pope Francis, the successor to Benedict XVI, had tried the patience of Catholic traditionalists by eschewing the tradition and pomp resurrected by his immediate predecessor. Among them was carrying his own luggage, making peace with Islam and washing the feet of women, symbolic of Christ washing the feet of his 12 Apostles. But there were other ways in which the Pontiff had deviated from Vatican tradition. What were they?

10) Read his first Mass in Ebonics.

9) Will spend Easter washing and waxing the Popemobile in the middle of Saint Peter's Square with Biden while both are stripped to the waist.

8) Spent five hours as the towel boy at the Vatican-owned gay bathhouse.

7) During his inaugural address, walked out dressed in bathrobe and Yankees ballcap and called Benedict "one evil-looking motherfucker."

6) Papal coat of arms designed by Ralph Steadman and R. Crumb.

5) Arm wrestled an altar boy for privilege of filling the chalice before Eucharist.

4) At same Eucharist, flung wafers from 10 feet away into the mouths of parishioners while exclaiming, "Body of Christ comin' atcha! Olá!"

3) Went halfsies with Obama for squares for March Madness

2) Plans on holding a yard sale of ancient liturgical documents, ermine robes and saint's relics.

1) While still insisting gays marrying was an abomination, nonetheless stopped short of calling for their immediate immolation.

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