Saturday, March 30, 2013

Caturday Blogging/Open Thread

     The little beast does have his moments.
     Mrs. JP and I are just now gearing up for our annual Easter dinner (Thanks, again, to Uncle Sam and SNAP, without whom we'd be fighting the stray cats in the neighborhood over the field mice).
     Meanwhile, underperforming idiots like Vernon Wells and Tony Romo get multi-year zillion dollar contracts and contract extensions while Mrs. JP and I can't even get minimum wage jobs cleaning up dog shit in Buddy Dog kennels (No joke. We actually tried and failed in 2009).
     I published another book this week, The Misanthrope's Manual, which, like my two novels, is taking off like a lead balloon. It's on both Kindle and a physical Create Space edition and they're going for $2.99 and $2.31 respectively (and that's at cost, with no royalty involved). At over 500 definitions, that comes out to about half a penny a belly laugh, folks. You're not gonna get a better deal than that unless I gave it away. And if you have no problem handing a billionaire like Jeff Bezos another $200 he plainly doesn't need for a Kindle Fire, you should have no problem paying less than three bucks for a brilliant work of satire that contains all sorts of political jibes never before seen (I take a lot of potshots at Rush Limbaugh).
     In fact, I'm going to do something that no other author on the planet earth will do and show you a screengrab of my sales figures for this month:
     No doubt, this will provide transient fun fodder for my various stalkers and critics and not a little bit of Schadenfreude. These so-called sales figures are not reflective of my talent as a writer. I'd had a lot of my dictionary's definitions published back in the 90's in a prestigious magazine and I've been able to pitch my two novels to publishers and got them to read them (in fact, Eric Burdon of The Animals read part of American Zen and, according to a mutual friend, he said the Immortals had reminded him of the first band he was in when he was 14). Plus, you may remember just this past week, I was interviewed by British novelist Nick Stephenson, who'd privately told me earlier this month that AZ made him want to rewrite his upcoming novel, Departed. Plus, we're collaborating on another novel, something neither of us have ever done.
     So, obviously, these sales figures aren't predicated on talent as much as my utter inability to overcome the strenuous and lively apathy that everything I write seems to attract these days. Authors pimp each other's books on Twitter and Goodreads all the time yet never seem to recognize that I even exist. I have always had a greater instinct for publicity than a talent for it.
     So it's time for some crowd sourcing. If you're on Facebook, Twitter, Amazon's message boards (which banned me for life almost two years ago), Linked In, Google+, Goodreads or anywhere else where you can reach readers, if you still refuse to buy or cannot buy any of them, please put in a good word for my dictionary, American Zen or the The Toy Cop.
     And until those royalties start trickling in, Mrs. JP and I are almost out of funds and could use a helping hand pretty soon.


At March 31, 2013 at 11:05 AM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

CreateSpace says it isn't ready yet... Couldn't buy it yet.

At March 31, 2013 at 11:40 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Yeah, I know. I have to definitively authorize the physical proof before anyone can and I'm not going to do that until I receive the copies I ordered. The Kindle version's live, tho.

At April 1, 2013 at 12:25 AM, Anonymous Mutt Roomno said...

Russian Blues are the best. My baby had six toes.

At April 1, 2013 at 1:53 PM, Blogger Doc Nebula said...

I've got 12 books up at Kindle and Smashwords and your screen grab looks like N.Y. Times best seller territory compared to mine.

Although Kindle recently made one of my novels free and that one has now racked up about 200 'sales'. People will grab something if it doesn't cost anything. Now if I could figure out how to get a royalty off 'free'...

At April 1, 2013 at 1:55 PM, Blogger Doc Nebula said...

I've got 12 books up on Kindle and Smashwords and your screen grab looks like the NY Times Bestseller list compared to my sales stats.

I wouldn't mind so much, if not for things like Stephenie Meyers and Samuel R. Delany (the last of whom would never ever have been published had he not been married at the time to an assitant editor at Ace Books).

Connections are wasted on the wrong people.

At April 1, 2013 at 1:59 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Doc: That's because talented people shouldn't need connections. of course, we do but, as you said, they're wasted on the wrong people.

It may be bad form but I have to ask: Did you buy any of my books? My sales aren't exactly tabulated in real time.


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