Two Summer Nights in June

 (By American Zen's Mike Flannigan, on loan from Ari)

Miami --- For those for whom half their hearts are in Havana, the capital of that 2 AM Communist barfly sharing a vast world stage with just a certain pudgy, anvil-haired North Korean, Miami nowadays is the next best thing. The last major Florida city before one hits the Keys has always enjoyed an almost unendurably vibrant nightlife is now seeing an influx of political tourists who are fully prepared and provisioned to drop vast amounts of money and, in some cases, their pants.

     Being sent here on assignment by my boss Ari has been a mixed blessing. True, it is Miami, one of the most beautiful cities in America, but it's late June in which the humidity turns the air into clear augur and one literally leaves little puddles of sweat just walking to the ice machine. Most lamentably, Ari's travel person decided to book me back into the Ricky Ricardo Arms, a venue favored by many of our nation's most successful cocaine smugglers. I've already counted six fading human-shaped chalk outlines on the premises. Their postcards feature police with lights on parked in front of the establishment.

     So, understandably, I've chosen to stay clear of a motel named after Cuba's most famous bandleader and divorcee and the Babaloo Room into which I was booked and spend as much time as possible in public. After all, I'm here on assignment to cover the two nights of Democratic debates to be held on the 26th and 27th at the Adrienne Arsht Center for the Performing Arts here in downtown Miami. The logistics alone are staggering and it escapes me how they will find places and podiums to accommodate the 327 Democrats elbowing each other for the single nomination to represent Wall Street. But somehow, I suspect they'll persevere.

     As one can expect, there are people of all political stripes and agendas as Miami briefly turns into Hollywood for criminals and hangerson. Indeed, as one right wing Twitter influencer with over 600,000 followers for an account dedicated, against all odds, to making Donald Trump actually look presidential, put it, "You can't swing a dead intern in Miami this week without hitting at least one corporate lobbyist."

     While the visual is a disturbing one, I can't fault him for his perception. Just as walking along Hollywood and Vine for an hour or two is virtually gurananteed to put you within sight of a Hollywood actor or their criminal defense attorney, walking through downtown Miami allows one to briefly rub elbows with the political and quasi-political glitterati, if such a thing exists (I'd opt for sleazerati but such things are decided by others).

     Among them are the occasional congressperson on both a state and federal level (Last night I saw former Senator Bill Nelson walking around Elleven asking random people, "What the fuck happened?! How did I lose to fucking Skeletor??"), corporate lobbyists and others paid and paid well to throttle representative democracy to the point of premature ejaculation. What follows are some of the types I've found here in Miami.

Michael the Professional Token

Michael, last name unknown, although court records when he was charged but not convicted with conspiracy to commit two acts of murder when he belonged to a cult named Yahweh ben Yahweh listed his aliases as Michael Symonette, Maurice Woodside (not to be confused with the Woodside Literary Agency) and Mikael Israel. He is the sole African American who's always seen at Trump rallies all over the country and has actually been seen having lunch with Sean Hannity. By last night, Michael had already successfully chained himself to the Arsht Center to ensure he'd be first in line for the first debate. Rumor has it he'd done so on the advice of amateur Twitter HQ doorwoman Laura Loomer. He hopes Donald Trump will reward his heroic efforts with a shoutout of his Twitter handle, @UncleTomMichael and, if he's really lucky, his very own Wikipedia page.

Jailbird Jimmy O'Keefe

The late Andrew Breitbart's favorite butt boy, Project Veritas' James O'Keefe, decided to leave his pimp outfit home so he could come and capture irrefutable evidence of liberal hypocrisy. Just a few hours ago, I saw him getting pushed away from Bernie Sanders after trying to get him to admit he didn't voluntarily pay a 90% meal tax on his lunch at the 27 Restaurant. In fact, I just saw him walking around with a set of blue overalls with "Jimmy's Legitimate Computer Repair Service" embossed on the back and furtively loitering around Debbie Wasserman's Schultz's office. I haven't got the heart to tell him she's not the chair of the DNC anymore.

Random Right Wing Cubans

As Bob Dole would say, "You know them, I know them, we all know them." Here in Little Havana and all over Miami, they're known as gusanos and are currently holding the longest celebration in Miami history over the death of Castro, even though he's been dead for going on three years. They still speak longingly about the Bay of Pigs and are in fact still celebrating the death of John F. Kennedy for abandoning them. With assclown retirees like this, who needs Ted Cruz's father?

The Corporate Mainstream Media

I will probably never live down the sight of seeing Wolf Blitzer wearing a Guayabera with CNN racing stripes running down both nipples and a straw Panama hat. But I did get to see Don Lemon's face crumple when he was told by someone from Miami's gay community that the Castro isn't in fact in Miami but San Francisco. Count on the media to continue acting as if we're living in an It's a Wonderful Life alternate America in which Bernie Sanders was never born and to resurrect straw polls from 2016 showing Hillary beating Donald Trump by double digits only with Joe Biden's face literally Scotch-taped over Clinton's. Expect Chuck Toddler to declare this a two person race between Trump and Biden even though the election isn't until November 3, 2020.

Z-List Right Wing Conspiracy Theorists

These people are purely responsible for those brilliant armchair detectives known as QAnon. Thank the likes of Alex Jones and various 4Chan and sub-Reddit poobahs of the right wing political punditocracy for giving us Pizzagate. Look for Laura Loomer and Pam Geller to scream accusations of anti Semtisim because Miami doesn't have enough synagogues for wealthy New York retirees. One Cuban restaurant tried to kick out Alex Jones after he had dinner there but couldn't fit through the doorway again after he claimed his salsa was impregnated with fluoride by Barack Obama and the ghost of Saul Alinski.

Corporate Lobbyists

Nowadays, they cluster around machine Democrats as if Tammany Hall is a thing again (and it is). Miami has essentially been turned into K Street for the next several days, their business suits distended not with muscle but bursting envelopes full of Benjamins intended for any of the other 19 candidates who aren't cranky old Socialist Jews from Brooklyn. They triangulate like hungry sharks, looking for the perfect Democrat to whom to give their largesse but, like a husband standing before the packed fridge at 2 AM, just can't find anything worth taking to bed. They can often be seen at watering holes bemoaning that their jobs would already be over if "Clinton would just get back in the fucking saddle."