The Art of the Steal!

 (By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

Well, today, Letitia James, the Attorney General of New York, struck a blow against creative accounting, the very bedrock of Wall Street's and our nation's very economy. At first, she went after my friend Donald Trump for a quarter billion dollars, which was audacious enough, then she decided to up the ante to $370,000,000. Greed is good as long as it stays on Wall St. but such avarice is intolerable when coming from a public servant.

    Let's take stock of the facts: Banks made money off Donald. They considered him a "whale" that they had to land and land him they did. He repaid the loans and earned them the way a real businessman should: By artificially inflating his assets and forcing his older children to turn over their inheritance.

     But Judge Engoron already decided on Donald's guilt through a shady legal tactic called summary judgment. That basically means when the evidence against you is so overwhelming it would be considered a waste of time to hear. Not only that but thanks to Alina Habba, a lawyer who's obviously run into one too many ambulance back doors, forgot to check a box that would've given Trump a jury trial. I don't know where Habba got her law license but I suspect it had something to do with a vending machine at the local Chuck E. Cheese.

     What has she lost for Donald, a half a billion so far?

    Things have sure changed since my Dad and his pals ran Wall Street and our country's great economy. I mean, yes, thanks to that crippled liberal FDR, we've been saddled with the SEC since 1934. But thank goodness they don't have any real enforcement mechanism and can't even file criminal charges or we'd all be boned.

    

     That's my great grandfather, Cosgrove Blubberpuss, second from the left. He's the one holding the flowers (he'd just stolen them from a seven year-old urchin selling them near Wall Street). That was taken in 1899, back when a man of business was still allowed to keep double ledgers. No SEC, no income tax, none of that nonsense.

     And my grandfather and father Ambrose learned a lot of valuable lessons at his knee. In fact, when McCarthy was chased out of the Senate in '54 over that silly Army business, Roy Cohn, a true professional cocksucker if ever there was one, was briefly out of a job until he became my father's chief legal counsel.

     Cohn was the one who taught him, as he would teach my friend Donald, that when regulators got too close to the facts, to discreetly mail them photographs of their children and grandchildren sleeping in their beds, a tactic Fred Trump would use with frightening regularity.

    Even a crusading shyster like Thomas E. Dewey wouldn't fuck with my father after one of those parcels.

     Ah, those were the good ole days, my friend. We really thought they'd never end.

    But then came Letitia Goddamned James and her Trump Derangement Syndrome. And former cab driver Arthur Engoron. And his biased law clerk. I remember Fred telling me with fear in his eyes of the day when his son Donald would finally take the reins of his beloved Trump Organization. He was a bit dotty by this time and frequently would wander outside of his house without his pants on. But back in 1995, I vividly recall him saying,

     "Cyril, I'm afraid once my son gets his mitts on my company, we're all eventually doing to be living out of refrigerator crates in Brooklyn and giving head for subway tokens. You watch."

     Well, Donald can't very well be blamed for crusading ambulance chasers and their political biases. So Donald is on the hook for upwards of $355,000,000 and can't run a real estate company until he's 80 years-old. His two oldest sons are banned from doing the same thing for two years. It's not looking good for Donald.

     But, not all hope is lost. One of our friends, a real estate baron in Florida, has set up a GoFundMe for my good friend Donald, which has already raised a whopping $25,527. At that rate, that means Donald will have that ridiculous judgment paid off in just over 38 years.

     What a country, huh?