Assclowns of the Week #81: Hatin’ on Haiti edition

(Image courtesy of D r i f t g l a s s.)

Hi-dee-ho, Potterinos, and welcome to the 81st edition of Assclowns of the Week, the semi-regular feature that shows the dispassionate side of conservatism. This past week Haiti suffered its worst earthquake in roughly 260 years, resulting in billions of dollars of damage, the paralysis of its government and the deaths of tens of thousands. And our nation’s finest conservative minds rushed in to provide some much-needed balm for the 1.8 million victims.

For instance, there was Rush Limbaugh (1), who basically said, Fuck Haiti, we gave at the office; the Rev. Pat Robertson (5), who thinks the earthquake was caused by some 206 year-old deal with the Devil and Fox “News” (2, 4) for generously devoting a whopping six minutes and 41 seconds to the Haitian disaster and for adding to its store of right wing ignorance. Then, of course, this past week saw other non Haitian-related assclownery such as Scott Ritter (9) looking for WMD’s in a very unlikely place and Rudy Giuliani (3) for doing the Republican time warp again.

So hop on board the transport plane as we import some much-needed snark over the ruined landscape of America and much, much more!

10) CBS

Last year, NBC decided to pass on broadcasting ads from a Catholic organization and PETA. Even Fox in 2008 decided not to run political ads during the Super Bowl. CBS, apparently, has decided it’s time to let James Dobson and Co. into our living rooms to rail against the evils of gay marriage. All’s fair in love, war and business, I guess.

You may think it’s irresponsible not only of CBS to be airing blatantly bigoted, homophobic right wing propaganda from groups like Focus on the Fags Family but also of FotF for spending upwards of $2.8 million to air a half a minute of their pious bilge considering the funding for their anti-gay jihad resulted in 277 jobs getting axed since September 2008. But, as with Proposition 8 donors, FotF claims the money for their ad isn’t coming from their general fund but was paid for by generous donors who are similarly alarmed that teh gays are taking over the institution of marriage like a bunch of nice-smelling, well-dressed terrorists. And CBS has no problem giving Dobson’s dogma a forum, provided the price is right. That way, CBS can do its part keeping traditional marriage safe for conservatives like…

9) Scott Ritter

“Come here, little girl. Want a cupcake?”

Let it not be said that we liberals can’t embrace a right winger when they speak the truth. The trouble is, the right wingers we sometimes embrace wind up embracing things they shouldn’t be embracing.

So when Scott Ritter, former WMD inspector and Iraq War critic and author, was busted years ago for trying to set up a sexual tryst with 14 year-old and 16 year-old girls, respectively, in 2001, we all thought that it was yet another smear campaign by the Bush White House. After all, they did it to Valerie Plame and every other whistle blower who ever criticized them. Why not another prominent war critic?

Well, this past week Scott Ritter, former Marine, rock-ribbed Republican and married father of twin 16 year-old daughters was busted again for trying to solicit sex from someone he thought was a 15 year-old child. Only difference is, this time Ritter was caught on digital video when he allegedly turned on his camera, unzipped his pants and began poking for his own WMD warhead to the delight of one undercover police officer. Oops.

Note to liberals like Robert Greenwald: Choose your heroes more wisely, especially when they’re Republicans caught in child sex sting operations and judges seal their records. And speaking of porn and Republicans…

8) State Senator Scott Brown

As Pink Floyd would say, Welcome to the machine.

In the 11th hour of this silly Senate race in Massachusetts, the only question that remains is which is the biggest douche bag: Attorney General Martha Coakley or State Senator and retired porn star Scott Brown. You could make a persuasive case for either but consider this news item about Brown:

A self-proclaimed man of the people (who doesn’t even give his own staffers health insurance), who once said that it was him “against the machine”, Brown said on January 14th that he would do everything in his power to oppose President Obama’s proposed tax that would place hefty taxes on lavish executive compensation in bailed out companies. Well, guess what happened right after that? You guessed it, the bribes campaign contributions began flooding in to Brown’s coffers faster than bailout money into Goldman Sachs' vaults. Think Progress broke down the contributions thusly and they tell an all too familiar tale:


Business executives and Wall Street scumbags, according to Brown’s FEC disclosure filings from January 8th and 11th alone, dumped over $200,000 in the 11th hour of his campaign. In other words, it’s not what can Brown do for you but what Brown can do for Wall Street.

7) Harold Ford

The last thing we need is another Barack Obama or Joe Lieberman in the Senate. And Merrill Lynch vice chairman Harold Ford, (Ann Coulter’s “favorite Democrat”) who’s challenging Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, would be both. On the 12th, the New York Times did an interview with Harold Ford, a guy who wants to be in the Senate so badly that he moved all the way from Tennessee to New York City. The guy’s so new to the city, he’s visited all five boroughs only by helicopter.

Like Scott Brown here in Massachusetts, he’s calling for a reduction in the corporate tax rate and is vehemently against capping executive compensation such as that currently enjoyed by the selfsame Mr. Harold Ford. But what’s despicable about Ford is that he’s trying to sell himself as an arch liberal in New York state just as he tried to sell himself as an arch conservative in Tennessee to the point of even trying to revise his neocon voting record in the House. He even whined that people are trying to smear him with his own voting record, a charge that would perhaps be believable to independents were it not for the fact that he did so in an op-ed penned for a certain right wing scandal sheet. Ford’s anti-choice, anti-gay and basically anti anything progressive and his voting record proves it.

In the beginning of the NY Times article, Michael Barbaro wrote, “In a clear swipe at Ms. Gillibrand, he said he would not be a lap dog for Democratic leaders.” What he didn’t bother asking was whether Ford would be a lapdog for Republican leaders.

6) Fox Nation

“The Fox Nation is for those committed to the core principles of tolerance, open debate, civil discourse--and fair and balanced coverage of the news.” – Fox Nation’s Statement of Purpose.

From those intrepid ladies at Newshounds comes this other bit of compassionate conservatism: Fox Nation's Death Wishes For Gays. Yesterday Fox Nation posted an announcement by a professor who claims that Proposition 8 makes gays commit suicide.

These are some of the latest comments to this post:

NRA Member opines: “Well, I guess that's one way to get rid of them. Thankfully, they can't reproduce.” Have you forgotten that lesbians can and that they’re indoctrinating their children into teh gay lifestyle???

The fearsomely-named Judgment warns: “A Warning To All the Sodomites and Gomorrahites in the World. The Time is shrinking fast for you to Repent and turn from your Evilness. God will show you that He is a Consuming Fire, just as He did to the Cities of Sodom and Gomorrah.” Jonathan Edwards called: He said he wants his fire and brimstone back, asshole.

Kevin brings up a good point: “If a Conservative is gay, they quietly live their life and enjoy it. A gay Liberal loudly demands legislated respect. And if they don't get it , they threaten with suicide. What's wrong with this picture? Why can't a liberal just go on with life and be tolerant of the rest of us. They are the first to preach tolerance.” Yes, quietly as in “self-loathing in the closet and acting against the interests of those who have the courage to come out without impinging on anyone’s rights.”

Republic Storm: “Professor Says Prop 8 Makes Gays Suicidal.................. Just dont leave a mess some one has to clean it up.”

One if By Land… Two By Sea asks: “Should I save all my old razor blades for future donations?” Well, I’d strongly recommend testing them on your wrist first for quality control purposes.

“Real American sez: “The poor gays are distressed and want compassion??? Awww, they should have thought about that before they SAVAGED Carrie Prejean....

Maybe people would care what they thought, if they hadn't yet again shown that they are such rabid, hateful lunatics.” Yes, we could learn a lot from you compassionate conservatives.

---

One gets the feeling, reading comments such as this, that many of them are same kind of homophobic little fistfuckers that harassed and assaulted this 14 year-old gay boy in upstate New York.

In fact, I can imagine many of these commenters, were they there, either passively standing by or actually helping the two psychopaths who beat to death Matthew Shepard.

5) Pat Robertson

"They were under the heel of the French ... and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French'." - Pat Robertson on The 700 Club

Pat “Wet Work” Robertson is the kind of guy who would get a spotty shirt back from the cleaners then publicly applaud them getting hit by a meteor by God. And like some blind lunatic, Robertson doddered and drooled that Haiti’s earthquake was a delayed 206 year-long response from God for indulging in Santeria or whatever heathen religion them there darkies engage in.

If it wasn’t for Rev. Pat Robertson, none of us would ever know that Haiti’s history sounds exactly like something out of “Dr. Faustus” and “The Devil and Daniel Webster.” For instance, did you know it required a deal with the Devil to establish Haiti’s independence in 1804? True story! Never mind the fact that both nations fought alongside us in our own war for independence a generation before that. And the rise of the Republican Party makes one wonder if, like Robertson’s theory of Haiti’s misery, we too are not experiencing comeuppance for making our own Satanic pact in exchange for independence from the British.

4) Fox “News”

“Sarah, this is Rupert. It is time.”

Moonbat Flies Up to Mothership: Doctored film @ 11.

Equating even the alleged style of journalism of Fox “News” with Sarah Palin is like comparing Bolognese sauce with hot dog water. In the clip below, Fox admitted right after the election that Sarah Palin was too stupid to know that Africa was a continent, couldn’t name all the NAFTA nations, was subject to temperamental outbursts and refused to prepare for her Hindenburg interview with Katie Couric.



“Hm. Ignorant of even basic facts? Temperamental? Refusal to prepare for television appearances? Why, she’d be perfect for our network!”

3) Rudy Giuliani

Yeah, let’s talk about grand illusions, Rudy.

We’ve known for years that Rudy Giuliani is a hot-tempered, lecherous lunatic but when he resurrected Dana Perino’s talking point by telling a compliant George Stephanopoulos that we’ve had no terrorist attacks under Bush but one under Obama, one could practically see the Rev. Jim Jones lobotomizing him with a melon scooper with one hand while pouring a ladle of Koolaid into the hole with the other. Wasn’t Rudy the guy who, moreso than any other Republican presidential candidate, tried to ride 3000 pulverized and charred corpses into the White House? Wasn’t it him who tried to pass himself off as some Italian version of John McClane and attempted to convince us that we should’ve voted for him simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Then why does he think 9/11 happened on someone else’s watch?


I know Barack Obama is the whitest black guy on Capitol Hill but it never ceases to amaze me at how much over time our current president looks more and more like George W. Bush.

2) Fox “News”


From Media Matters:

On January 13, Fox News' three top-rated programs for 2009 -- The O'Reilly Factor, Hannity, and Glenn Beck -- devoted a combined total of less than 7 minutes of coverage to the earthquake in Haiti, instead choosing to air such things as Beck's hour-long interview with Sarah Palin, Bill O'Reilly's discussion of Comedy Central host Jon Stewart, and Sean Hannity's advocacy for Massachusetts candidate Scott Brown's Senate campaign. By contrast, the content of MSNBC's three top-rated shows underscored the significance of the Haiti disaster; Countdown, The Rachel Maddow Show, and Hardball devoted a total of more than two hours to the earthquake.

This means that not only are they overtly racist, Fox “News” had devoted about as much time to the biggest news story of the new year as Dick Cheney and Rush Limbaugh volunteer each day at soup kitchens and homeless shelters. A more specific breakdown of coverage by each network’s leading shows is below:


Yeah, I can see how Glenn Beck would think that Sarah of the Great White North would be worth a full hour and the Haiti earthquake deserving of 37 seconds. Considering that Beck and many other Fox squawking heads insist they’re not journalists but commentators, then perhaps they ought to be done with the farce and stop calling their network “Fox News.”

1) Rush Limbaugh

To hear el Rushbo, the President is playing right into his hands. (Insert “bwa ha ha.”)

Within 24 hours after a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit Haiti, President Obama went before the world and detailed a specific plan to help the devastated nation. Then Rush Limbaugh wasted less time than that lambasting Mr. Obama for using the disaster for currying favor with light and dark-skinned black people (as if their support was lacking during the 2008 election). Then, incredibly, Rush actually defended his statements and even amplified on them.


This is what this pill-popping sex tourist says we shouldn’t fix apart from our income taxes: “Earthquake Survivors Build Barricades Out of Bodies.” (Tip o’ the tinfoil hat to the Rude Pundit.)

This overpaid bag o’ halitosis’s rationale or lack thereof was based on Obama remaining silent for the first three days after the attempted Christmas Day attack. Obviously, it was lost to Limbaugh’s Oxycontin-addled mind that the Christmas Day attempt was a manmade incident that required analysis and vetting whereas the earthquake on Haiti was a natural disaster (such as Limbaugh’s conception) that required no analysis or vetting. Since Limbaugh lives in Florida, the state with the highest concentration of Haitian Americans in the US, you'd think he’d be a little more sympathetic to their plight. But this is a guy who brings another man’s Viagra on a sex tour next to Haiti then is stupid enough to bring it back with him so he can get caught with it.

So the next time your ultraconservative father in law or brother starts crowing about compassionate conservatism, show them that picture of Haiti’s body barricades and juxtapose them with Rush Limbaugh warning us that any money donated through the White House will get stolen by the black guy in the West Wing.

Btw, this is my 51st birthday and Jimi showed up for the party.