Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Assclowns of the Week #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition


(Dedicated to constant reader Dee in New Jersey, because she asked.)

When I was younger, politics bored me. By early middle age, politics fascinated me. Now, politics scare me.

And nothing scares me politically more than the MSM making a big fucking deal over a quadrennial straw poll that’s hardly more scientific, accurate, predictive or otherwise efficacious than a high school popularity contest. It scares me to see the mainstream media treating this as if it was more important than the Second Coming, which is, after all, what evangelicals keep hoping for every four years. It frightens me to see straw poll winners like Michele Bachmann (R-Guyana) (1) parading about snubbing other Republicans and acting “like she was Madonna.”

So while the emphasis on this 87th edition of ACOTW is on Iowa this past week, there are other assclowns who’d made the grade, such as Phil Hinkle (5) for bolstering the rent boy industry a la Ted Haggard and George Reikers and Louis Gohmert (10) for informing us what Republicans would really like to do with women.

So get on the golf cart of progress as we review this Iowa bumper crop of Republican assclowns and much, much more!

10) Rep. Louis Gohmert


A while ago, Politico published a story about John Boehner and his staff using golf balls sporting House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s likeness on them but Politico folded and took down the story when Boehner’s office denied the allegations. But this past week when speaking to conservative radio talk show host Lars Larson, this exchange between Larson and Rep. Louis Gohmert was put on the air,
LARSON: My producer is from Ohio. He noticed that John Boehner was apparently using Nancy Pelosi golf balls at a recent fundraiser, and my producer wants to get a whole sleeve of those things. He thinks it might make him hit better.

GOHMERT: [laughs] I’ll bet you it’ll put a little extra oomph in it. No kidding, yeah. Well, I’ll have to check on that. I’ll have to see where we get those.

This is the same Bible-beating, baldheaded little troll who last year made the phrase “terror babies” infamous and held up crudely-drawn signs heckling Obama during his address to the joint Congress.

The story about Pelosi golf balls was vigorously denied so Politico was forced to pull the story but that doesn’t mean it isn’t true, if Wilson, the aptly-named Sleazeball Nancy Pelosi line and these douchebags is any indication, examples of Pelosi golf balls sold on the internet that I found after just five minutes of Googling.

Next time, Politico, do your fucking research before taking down stories just because serial liars like John Boehner deny them.

9) Tim Pawlenty


"Hi, I’m Tim Pawlenty and I’m running for president. Am I catching you at a bad time?"

Poor TPaw. If he was any more boring, he’d have a Y-shaped incision on his torso. After finishing a distant third to Michele Bachmann and her 4823 bought votes and Ron Paul, the former Minnesota governor announced he was dropping out of the race just a day after saying he was looking forward to a long election. Just prior to the straw poll, the highlight of Pawlenty’s campaign was telling Mitt Romney during the GOP debate that he’d mow his lawn (despite being a US citizen).

Boy, that was fast. Emeril’s sitcom lasted longer than Pawlenty’s campaign. Michele Bachmann’s had migraines that’s lasted longer than Pawlenty’s campaign. Newt Gingrich has had marriages that lasted longer than… OK, maybe not all of them.

8) Vernon Robinson


Vern Robinson is the Lyndon LaRouche of North Carolina. This perennial political bridesmaid has been unsuccessfully running for Congress for years. This time, he’s dusting off his old talking points about Barack Obama. This is an actual excerpt from his fundraising email:
While Obama was smoking marijuana and snorting cocaine, I was earning badges to become an Eagle Scout. While Obama was being mentored by Communist Party Member Frank Davis, I was taught to love God and country by my parents. While Obama was consorting with Marxist professors, Black Panthers, trial lawyers, union bosses, hippie peaceniks, anti-Christian atheists, militant homosexual agitators, radical pro-abortion feminists, gun grabbers, amnesty zealots, Chi-Com sympathizers, globalists who worship at the altar of the UN, and environmentalist wackos, I was earning my bachelor's degree alongside my fellow cadets at the U.S. Air Force Academy.

Hey, Vern, well, after Barack Obama got elected to the US Senate, you, while a Winston Salem City Council member, were AWOL a lot, including missing 7 of 15 safety committee meetings and 20 of 22 public works committee meetings.

And since Mr. Obama got elected President of the United States, you’ve done… what? Huh, Vern? Cain't hear ya.

7) BART


You’d never imagine the dictatorial, censorial tactics of Iran two years ago would ever be used in the San Francisco Bay area, one of the last bastions of liberalism. But you’d be wrong, grasshopper.

Last week, Bay Area Rapid Transit (BART) authorities decided to suspend or jam wireless signals in order to prevent a planned demonstration in protest of BART cops shooting a 45 year-old man. This is precisely the type of censorship that we heard about out of Iran during the protests two years ago and what the right wing government of David Cameron is mulling now. If you thought this would be the cause for another protest, you thought wrong.

6) Rick Santorum


Former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum (R-Google), meant well. He just wanted to hand out homemade jelly and show his supporters a good time last Saturday at “Rick Santorum’s Summer Dance Party” at the Iowa State Fair. It sounded like a pretty fun affair, starring the Crickets and the Big Bopper, Jr. and...

Wait, wha-a-a?!
Back in 1959, the 22-year old Buddy Holly and the 28-year old original Big Bopper, plus 17-year old Ritchie Valens, were killed in a plane crash -- in Iowa, during a Midwestern tour called the “Winter Dance Party.”

Who were the designated pilots for the out-of-staters? Wiley Post III, Amelia Earhart’s granddaughter, Mohammed Atta?

5) Indiana State Rep. Phil Hinkle


As is always the case, Republicans have to mightily vie with each other and do and/or say something monumentally stupid in order to make a list like this. Yet somehow Indiana Rep. Phil Hinkle made the top ten this week by hiring a male hooker on Craigslist two weekends ago.

It wasn't just the fact that Hinkle, a married Republican who'd voted to keep marriage between men and women, tried to buy the services of a rent boy a la George Reikers and Ted Haggard. That was just the beginning.

What catapulted this Larry Craig lookalike and actalike into the #5 spot was showing his identification when checking into the hotel with the 18 year-old youth (he reportedly left his whip behind). When the boy began to freak out over Hinkle's age and status as a state lawmaker, the 64 year-old then grabbed the boy's ass, exposed himself to him and told him he couldn't leave. And when the boy's sister showed up, he then gave them his iPad, $100 in cash and his Blackberry. The cell phone was Hinkle's entire portable database including not only his phone contacts (like his house, which the sister then called to let his wife know what he was up to) but also the complete transcript of the emails he'd sent the boy earlier that day.

That requires a very special kind of stupid so pure and distilled as to border on self-satirizing genius. So, bottoms up, Mr. Hinkle, I just made you famous.

4) Rep. Tim Griffin


Making a list, checking it twice, gonna find out who’s liberal or nice…

Next time the Republican Party chafes under comparisons to the Nazi Party, tell them about this story: The office of freshman Tea Bagger Congressman Tim Griffin (R-Hopey Changey, AR) has compiled and distributed a watch list of six political “activists” who don’t even live in Griffin’s home state of Arkansas. In fact, the six people live in Daniel Webster’s district. You may remember Webster: He’s the evangelical God bag who’d unseated Alan Grayson.

Apparently, it doesn’t matter to the paranoid staffers in Griffin’s office that all six live in Webster’s district or that none of the six had been to town halls outside of central Florida. But far from this being a mere list, the dossiers also feature photographs and other detailed information about the six members who were painted as Organize Now and Moveon members, although only two are actually affiliated with Organize Now and none with Moveon. In fact, the only thing these so-called activists have in common is asking tough questions of Dan Webster.

But it gets better. The handout demands the media ask them tough, McCarthyesque questions, such as:
"Are you or have you ever been, a leader, or a member, or a supporter of OrganizeNow.org, OrganizeFlorida.org, or Moveon.org (sic) or any other Progressive Left group?"

To its credit, the media refused to ask such questions. And why Griffin and his staffers are paranoid that these six Floridians will eventually migrate to Arkansas is anyone’s guess. That's kind of like Brazil worrying about an invasion of polar bears.

Wow. Such a chilling tactic doesn’t seem familiar, at all, does it?

3) Texas Gov. Rick Perry


.oO Please, God, don’t let them find out that I’m Bush’s Mini Me! Oo.

Next time I tell you someone from Texas should not be president of the United States, please pay attention.” – Molly Ivins, Sept. 13, 2005

Governor Goodhair (thank you, Molly) made the #3 spot this week by calling Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid “Ponzi schemes.”

If there’s one thing America so incredibly doesn’t need, it’s another ill-educated Republican evangelical flyboy runt from the Texas Governor’s mansion who thinks prayer is the answer to all of the Lone Star state’s problems. Earlier this year, Perry led drought-stricken Texans in a “rain prayer” that was so efficacious, the drought got worse for three straight months. Undeterred, he then went to Houston and took part in a mass religious orgy called “The Response.”


Response to what was anyone’s guess but either way, it wasn’t much of a response. 30,000 Bible-thumping Goobers did show up but that still left 40,000 empty seats.

What the most dangerous lawn gnome in the south won’t tell you on the campaign trail is that Texas has the highest percentage of uninsured workers and that while Texas has added 37% of the new jobs in this country, unemployment there has still climbed from 4.2% when Perry first took over to 8.2%. You also may not hear so much from Perry’s camp that Texas has more minimum wage workers (550,000) than any other state, with a percentage of minimum wage workers tied only by Mississippi.


And this egotistical runt with his Sharpie pen is calling Social Security and other entitlement programs "Ponzi schemes"? God help us, hopefully better than he did Texas.

2) Mittens Romney


If Mitt Romney was any more corporate, he’d do feasibility studies before having sex with his wife. Remember, this is about a guy who said the day of the GOP debate, “Corporations are people, my friend.”

It’s one thing to legally exploit an 1886 Supreme Court ruling that was vandalized by the former president of a railroad but Romney’s belief that corporations being flesh and blood people is frighteningly sincere and forceful. Suddenly, Romney’s inhumane treatment of the family dog during a vacation makes sense when you realize his inability to distinguish between amoral and immoral, sociopathic corporations and the human beings they victimize.

Mitt Romney is simply the scariest person to ever run for President, which is saying a mouthful when one remembers the freakazoids the GOP has fielded over the last 50 years.

1) Rep. Michele Bachmann


Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Waterloo Prom Queen, 1970), just the day after "winning" the Iowa Straw Poll, belatedly showed up at a Republican fundraiser, snubbing Governor Rick Perry and insisting the lighting be changed (probably because they weren't incandescent). Then, just last Sunday, Bachmann told David Gregory on Meet the Press that gay families aren’t families at all.

By all accounts, Bachmann refused to show up until Perry's speech was over (her staffers were even texting fundraising officials inside asking if Perry was done speaking) and when she finally entered like a conquering hero, didn't even acknowledge the Texas Governor's physical presence.


Later the homophobe who'd once shown that George W. wasn't the only bush she loved clinging to while avoiding gay activists even hilariously denied avoiding Perry. What apparently was lost on every Republican in attendance was that Bachmann's campaign bribed 6000 Iowans to vote for her by buying their $30 tickets to a political event at the state fair at a cost of $180,000. Oh, did I mention Randy Travis and how she bussed in the C&W star and his fans to the event? All told, Bachmann spent at least $1,000,000 to beat Ron Paul by 152 votes in a glorified popularity contest held in her own home state.

Yeah, Michele, let's hear some more Republican platitudes about wasteful Democrat spending.

4 Comments:

At August 16, 2011 at 5:50 PM, Blogger jo6pac said...

Great post, thanks.

 
At August 16, 2011 at 9:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can we Now MoveOn to Barack-in-the-bus this week and in-the-Bush next?

 
At August 17, 2011 at 9:47 AM, Anonymous Dee in NJ said...

As usual, good stuff. Love it if it were a monthly or bi-monthly feature again. Loved the Molly Ivins quote. Some days, I forget how much I miss her. Thanks for reminding me.

Oh, and thanks for the dedication. Yer a peach!

P.S. Emeril had a sitcom?

 
At August 17, 2011 at 10:43 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Yep. It was the late Robert Urich's ill-fated swan song. It was one of those lead balloons into which show business moguls spend enormous time, money and resources into keeping off the ground, like Broadway's Spider Man musical.

 

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Boolean Bozoism

  • #19
  • #18
  • #17
  • #16
  • #15
  • #14
  • #13
  • #11
  • #10
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Christwire.org: Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • Hullabaloo, Digby's place.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • The artist formerly known as Politits. The politics are still liberal.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Salon.com.
  • Raw Story.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find Articles.com, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • Dictionary.com.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • anysoldier.com
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger

    http://DeeperLeft.com