Monday, August 22, 2011

Assclowns of the Week #88=Heil Hitler edition

It’s just a happy coincidence of timing that the 88th edition of ACOTW would dovetail at exactly the same time that the fascist Republican Party (5) would be taking the President to task for taking a much-needed vacation as if he was some field nigger taking an unauthorized break from the cotton plantation.

And, with the 6th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and the 10th anniversary of 9/11 coming around soon, I wouldn’t be screaming about presidential vacations, if I were the Republican Party.

Also on the spit this week: Congressman Louis Gohmert (10) for reacting the same way to black that bulls do to red; Rick Perry (2, 1) for reminding us that sex and violence are also traditional family values and Tom Coburn (4) for his desire to turn the Senate floor into the OK Corral.

So let's hop on our little Nazi motorcycle sidecars and tour the 4th Reich of the Fatherland and much, much more!

10) Rep. Louis Gohmert

Republican Darth of facts. I never thought the movie Idiocracy was a work of prophecy yet here we are, déjà vu and all.

The only thing that doesn’t surprise me is that the racists of the GOP who’ve been criticizing the president’s bus haven’t been making snide Rosa Parks references. Louis Gohmert, last week’s #10 placeholder, again makes the bottom spot for being among the first to say something second by parroting Paul Brandus of the West Right Wing Report. Brandus was the one who created the Obama/Darth Vader meme on his twitter account and everyone in the racist right wing ran with it like so many dung beetles rolling little balls of shit.

“It’s a Canadian bus!” Forget the fact that the bus is still American-owned by Hemphill Brothers and sold to the Secret Service. Plus, George W. Bush used a bus bought from the same Canadian company (Prevost) seven years ago

Then, of course, there was the fact that it was even blacker than Obama, revealing the GOP’s obsession with skin color that rivals their obsession with sex. Exhibit B: Fox “News”: Spook my Ride (No, no double racist entendre there.) Plus, there’s no evidence that Darth Vader and his imperial storm troopers even rode on a bus, much less owned one.

OK, OK, aside from that one time during Comic Con.

So, bottom line, we now live in a country where baldheaded cretins posing as members of Congress are parroting the tweets of other right wing cretins on national TV in ridiculing the president for going on vacation instead of creating jobs while they themselves are on vacation after having cost us jobs rather than creating them.

9) Rep. Michele Bachmann

"My campaign slogan? 'A light bulb in every house!' You like it? I like it! You like it, too? I love it!! Honey, where's the drill? I'm getting another migraine."

Where’s Michele Bachmann been for the last two decades? Obviously not in libraries or history lecture halls.

Just a few days ago, Bachmann said on a right wing radio show,
What people recognize is that there’s a fear that the United States is in an unstoppable decline. They see the rise of China, the rise of India, the rise of the Soviet Union and our loss militarily going forward.

And we thought we had something to worry about when three years ago John McCain repeatedly made references to a Czechoslovakia that hadn’t existed for 15 years.

Even considering the Minnesota Congresswoman’s genius and aptitude for history, one almost anticipates future jeremiads against the Ottoman, Austro-Hungarian and Achaemenid Empires.

8) Gov. Sam Brownback

At first, the headline, ‘Pro-Life’ Republican Kansas Governor Guts Funding For Dying Infants may seem a tad dramatic. Then again, this is the latter-day Republican Party we’re talking about. It’s pretty tough to overdramatize much less satirize their inherent cruelty over the last decade.

Catholic Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback hasn’t made this list since he left the senate years ago but he made the grade in a big way for this:
Another supposed “pro-life” governor has decided that children outside the womb are less important than those inside the womb. Kansas Governor Sam Brownback is gutting the agency responsible for child protective services, child support enforcement, and child, adult and family well-being services, after a failed attempt to slash funding for Head Start.

Despite being able to find enough money to fund faith-based initiatives, Brownback is closing 8 Kansas Department of Social and Rehabilitation Services centers, citing agency cost savings. A ninth center was saved because of public outcry.

Word from the Vatican is that the Pope is seriously thinking of primarying Brownback to kick him out of the Roman Catholic Church.

7) Christine O’Donnell

Either Christine O’Donnell, the world’s sexiest spinster, thinks that Bill Clinton is still in office or she's been watching old Ken Norton movies too often.

The day after walking out on CNN’s Piers Morgan, O’Donnell was addressing the Women’s National Republican Club to pimp her new book, Double, Double, Toil and Troublemaker (courtesy of Olympic-class douchebag literary agent Daniel Strone and St. Martin’s Press), and she had this to say about President Obama:
“In the 2008 campaign, no one would have dared ask Barack Obama, ‘How are you going to control your libido. You’re a strapping young man. What are you going to do around all those interns?’ But people can ask Michele Bachmann about her migraines.”

This is the same ditz who essentially torpedoed her own publisher by walking out on a nationally-televised interview designed to sell her book and accusing Morgan of “borderline sexual harassment” for simply asking for her views on gay marriage. O’Donnell’s reluctance to even talk about it and her narrowly identifying gay rights with mere sex shows the GOP’s obsession with it in general, especially gay sex.

Now she’s openly speculating on the President’s libido and casting aspersions on his trustworthiness of being within arm’s reach of his aides (you know, unlike Mark Foley or John Ensign). Not only does this once again highlight her obsession with sex (without, seemingly, any provocation) but this is more than “borderline” racist in inappropriately referencing the libido of an African American man who happens to be the President of the United States in her dark, Mandingo fantasy world. Who's sexually harassing who, now, Crissie?

Way to go, Daniel Strone and St. Martin’s Press, you money-grubbing douchebags. If there’s anything America desperately needed more than anything else, it was another book ghostwritten for another post-literate right wing failure. You owe the United States about a million trees just for this latest pistol-whipping and prison-shower buttfucking of basic literacy, you avaricious cunts.

6) Peter Thiel

Paypal Founder Peter Thiel’s Seasteading Project may have been inspired by Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged but it sounds more like it’d been inspired by Ian Fleming’s Dr. No, instead.

Seasteading is actually an old concept that goes back 30 years and essentially boils down to the fine art of running away without paying your taxes. Thiel, who’s already sunk a million and a half into this scheme, envisions a floating society in the middle of the Pacific in which there’s no taxes, no welfare, no government oversight and no middle class. No doubt, the hyper-rich passengers will be shuttled to this paradise on their private billion dollar ocean liners.

Among the “innovations” of his little utopia are the relaxation of building codes, which is a corker of an idea considering the middle of the Pacific is one of the safest spots on earth and never sees hurricanes, typhoons, undersea earthquakes or tsunamis. One idea for such a project is to build it on top of an oil platform.

Such as this one, for instance:

Another bright idea is the concept of manmade islands, which, as it was reported earlier this year, worked out real well for the super rich in Dubai.

Is anyone else getting the impression that this Ayn Rand wet dream has yet to benefit from a comprehensive feasibility study? Hey, whatever. If that's where they want to retire to, who am I to criticize them and try to stop them?

Man, and the right wing is accusing Obama of acting like a movie super villain?

5) Republicans

Note to Sarah Palin: You might have a little more credibility while lambasting the man with the most stressful job in the world for going on a summer vacation if you didn’t quit halfway through your own term of public office.

Palin is just the one of the latest of Republican hypocrites taking President Obama to task for going on a family vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. Mittens Romney said,
Now, Martha’s Vineyard is in my home state of Massachusetts, so I don’t want to say anything negative about people vacationing there. But if you’re the president of the United States and the nation is in crisis — and we’re in a jobs crisis right now — then you shouldn’t be out vacationing. Instead, you should be focusing on getting the economy going again.

(Note to Mittens: Just because you were the 70th Governor of Massachusetts, it doesn’t make you a native of it. You’re from Detroit, Michigan so stop trying to rekindle your already-damaged relationship with the Bay State.)

What the President’s Republican critics have yet to explain is how he’s supposed to unilaterally create jobs when Congress is also on vacation? Or would unilateralism and showing up the Republicans on job creation be considered an impeachable offense? Jesus tap-dancing Christ, what the fuck does Obama have to do to please you racist psychopaths? Bleach his skin white like Michael Jackson?

4) Sen. Tom Coburn

Sorry, Tommy boy, we'll get over your Death Wish fantasy when you can pry the memories from our cold, dead ears.

Perhaps Senator Paul Kersey was channeling fellow Appalachian Rick Perry when he “joked” about not being able to bring a gun to the floor to the Senate. In fact, a few days ago the Death Wish senator said, “Tell ‘em to get over it. It was a joke and everybody laughed. That’s all I have to say about it.” Well, sure, everyone laughed because racist and gun-clutching Republicans laugh at the darnedest things. But Coburn displays his disconnect from reality yet again by being surprised and openly hostile at liberal bloggers for being shocked that a senior federal lawmaker and physician would make such a joke (such as the time he openly prayed for Senator Robert Byrd’s death before an upcoming vote).

Tell you what, Tommy Boy: Next time you hold a speech or a fundraiser, let’s invite a bunch of gun-toting lib’rals to attend just for laughs and then we’ll see how you like your 2nd amendment and our version of humor, OK?

3) Rush Limbaugh

Rush Limbaugh in Hawaii after his heart attack. After his discharge, he made the hospital staff honorary Caucasians.

If Rush Limbaugh was any more offensively racist, his long-suffering bed linen would take out a restraining order on him. On August 17th, this is what Limbaugh said on his conservative talk radio show bile-delivery system:
It’s a “Triple Double” Oreo. Do you like Oreos, is that…? Well, what it’s going to be here, it’s actually a biracial cookie. You’ve got three of the chocolate wafers, and then you’ve got the white vanilla cream, and then there’s a chocolate cream. So you’ve got three… The thing is, there’s Oreo on it, the wafer. And then you’ve got the white cream, and you got another chocolate wafer, and then you’ve got the chocolate cream and then you’ve got the bottom wafer. The Triple Double Oreo. You wait, it won’t be long before it’s going to be called the “Obameo” or something like this. Well, it’s a biracial cookie here!

I guess with the President and Congress on vacation it must have been a slow day for Limbaugh so he justified his bloated $50 million annual salary by resorting to tired and clichéd racial references by clumsily tying Oreo cookies with our biracial president. Even if Limbaugh was merely being whimsical, as some had excused away his comments that Planned Parenthood was doing the job of the KKK, it still shows the man, for want of a better word, is obsessed with race. And even if Kleagle Rush was being merely facetious, we still know that many a true, or sincere, word is spoken in jest.

What I’m wondering is why aren’t we going after Limbaugh’s sponsors like we did Beck’s and Melanie Morgan’s?

2) Texas Gov. Rick Perry

When you’ve lost the support of the flaks of your spiritual and political twin, you know you’ve strayed from the party line. Last Tuesday, Karl Rove went on Fox “News” to blast Rick Perry (R-Yosemite Sam) for coming thisclose to saying that Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke committed treason and that they’d “treat him rough” in Texas.

Well, the maximum penalty for treason nowadays isn’t necessarily execution but possibly life imprisonment after sentencing by a federal judge. Yet, Perry’s intent was obvious to the goobers in attendance and he was merely trying to burnish his image as a cowboy gunslinger meting out frontier justice.

What’s ironic was the close of Rove’s statement:
It's not smart politics, either. Governor Perry is going to have to fight the impression that he's a cowboy from Texas. This simply added to it.

Gee, Turdblossom, who cultivated that “cowboy from Texas” image that catapulted your boy from national obscurity into the Oval Office and who groomed Perry to warm Bush’s old seat?

1) Gov. Rick Perry

Politics and shady business investments make for strange, er, bedfellows.

Witness pornmeister Rick "Gov. Matted Hair" Perry praying side-by-side in Houston with the same AFA who had complained to the DOJ and others about Movie Gallery, the very same porn distributor in which Perry had invested $5,000-10,000 in 1995, according to personal financial disclosures. So, was it merely a matter of an injudicious investment made on the Governor’s behalf without his knowledge by an investment manager on a par with Michael Moore’s stock in Halliburton? Uh, sadly, no. Says Sarah Jones,
Rick Perry later passed laws to help companies like Movie Gallery avoid “frivolous” tort suits, after they were sued for allegedly violating the law by illegally distributing porn across state lines. This move was seen by some as a move to protect his investment in Movie Gallery, as he used the very word Movie Gallery used (“frivolous”) regarding the lawsuits they were fighting at the time.

But surely, once he became aware that he was one of the biggest porno distributors in Texas, he immediately divested himself of his stock, right? Uh…
Given the heady pressure that the AFA started exerting on Movie Gallery, in 1998 Perry moved his investment in the company to a blind trust, which means they're sealed. For all anyone knows, he's still got stock in them.

So he deliberately moved his stock in this porno distributor to a blind trust like Bill Frist’s HCA stock so he could plausibly claim ignorance and that they couldn’t be revealed in future personal financial disclosures and then introduced legislation to protect his investment from “frivolous lawsuits” while quoting the company to make his case?

No doubt, any day now, we’ll hear of Perry divesting himself of his stock in Movie Gallery but he’ll still have to explain to his prayer buddies at the AFA and to the crucial evangelical vote as to why he’d protected and invested to begin with in a porno distributor that lists among its august titles, Teens With Tits, Bisexual Bareback, Teens Never Say No and Big Tit Brotha Lovers 6.


At August 23, 2011 at 3:42 PM, Anonymous Dee in NJ said...

They just get more and more slimy. Must be all that K-Y jelly they have to use, being assclowns and all. I wouldn't want to touch a single one of them. Not even wearing a space suit and holding a 10 foot stick. Ugh.

Good work JP. Top notch stuff as usual!

At February 27, 2013 at 7:27 PM, Blogger BunBun4life said...

well you're definitely not paying attention. the podium should not say fox news. the fascists who confiscated the guns first from the jews, and then from every citizen registered were the nazis and now the democrats. Often registered gunowners were found and executed by the invaded german army.

You need to get your shit together. You focus too much on ignorance and lies, you're totally sucked in by complete lies and ignorance. You claim sanctimony, but your attitude is vile. You are exactly the same type of shit you claim to revile.

At February 27, 2013 at 7:45 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Thank you, Mr. LaPierre, for weighing in on a forgotten post from a year and a half ago. Now go to the nurse you've been dodging, the one holding the paper cup.


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