Dear Phil Hinkle

Dear Rep. Phil Hinkle:

I have read with some consternation your recent difficulties regarding a barely-legal male hooker of 18. Naturally, this is the sort of thing the sex-obsessed left wing latches onto like a Notre Dame twink does cock at his first gay Spring Break at Ft. Lauderdale.

Indeed, can you or anyone tell me where the hell is the hypocrisy in opposing the scourge of gay marriage when a married, Christian legislator who ran, and votes, on a family values platform seeks to relieve some stress by trolling for gay sex on Indiana Craigslist? Indeed, you said in your polite, introductory email, "Cannot be a long time sugar daddy but can for tonight. Would you be interested in keeping me company for a while tonight?"

I can't speak for anyone else, sir, but that does not sound like anything remotely resembling long term or anything as committed as, say, a marriage of several decades.

Far from being pilloried by liberals as a hypocritical, self-loathing, elderly gay Republican scumbag who plainly made the wrong choice in life partners, Americans from coast to coast should be lauding you for letting it all hang out like US Rep. Anthony Weiner and to embrace the free market system as that espoused by your wouldbe companion-for-hire. Indeed, at a time when many Republicans are soliciting for gay sex in toilets from Minnesota to New Orleans, you should be commended for being the man of sophistication that you are in arranging for a tryst at a posh hotel.

Liberals and gay rights activists are making hay over the fact that you tried to "bribe" the fearful child and his sister by giving them your iPad, Blackberry and $100 in cash in return for their silence so that your preemptive Christmas gift-giving to the poor and needy wouldn't be leaked to the press and misinterpreted as your bragging about your inherent St. Nickelodeon-like generosity.

And if you were such a bad husband, why would your wife make the extraordinary gesture of offering the boy's sister $10,000 to keep your generosity and magnanimity quiet? If only we all had wives who'd be willing to safeguard our most cherished secrets! And what better way to hide one's tender magnanimity than to claim to be the victim of "a shakedown"?

Indeed, sir, we ought to be giving you a citation signed by former Sen. Larry Craig and former Congressman Mark Foley applauding you for standing tall (and naked) against gay marriage, for the free market system and supporting Indiana's faltering economy by bolstering the hospitality and condom industries!

Your humble and obedient servant,

JP