Thursday, July 24, 2008

The Scorpion and the Frog: A Republican Retelling

I’m sure we all recall the fable misattributed to Aesop of the scorpion and the frog. The story goes that the scorpion had to get to the other side of a river but couldn’t navigate the current. He happens across a frog and he asks the amphibian, “Can I get on your back and cross the river with you?” The frog, understandably, had reservations and asked the scorpion, “If I let you get on my back, you’ll sting me.” “No, I won’t,” claimed the scorpion. “Why would I do that and kill us both?”

The scorpion’s logic was good enough for the frog so he let the insect get on his back. About halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog. As they both began to sink, the frog asked, “Why did you break your promise and sting me? Now we’re both going to drown!” The scorpion said just before they sank into the water,

“I’m sorry. I’m a scorpion. It’s my nature.”

Well, I’ve been thinking of this parable often when recalling what the Republican party has done to this country just since the Nixon era, particularly after the last seven and a half-plus years.

Here’s the Republican rewriting of the ending:

“Why did you break your promise and sting me? Now we’re both going to drown!”

“Uh, no,” says the scorpion. “Just you. First off, I’m a Republican scorpion. This is what we do. Secondly, you see that branch next to us? While my sting has paralyzed you, rendering you unable to grasp it, I’m going to hop on that branch, which is a metaphor for a cushy lobbyist or private industry job. The branch is also highly symbolic of a criminal justice system that largely is afraid to indict and convict Republicans and allows them to get off scot-free while the victims of their self-interested policies drown in a sink-or-swim economy.”

“But, but… I voted for you!” the frog wails just before its mouth submerges beneath the raging current.

The scorpion says as it hops onto the branch, “Caveat emptor, asshole. We’re Republicans! This is what we do! Adios, stupid!”

Looking at all the policies of George W. Bush and his own scorpion army in Congress (mostly red scorpions but with some blue ones thrown in for bipartisan flavor), looking at the two lemons sold to us as two fronts in a war on terror that thus far has achieved opposite its stated goals, I keep waiting for Bush to stand before a podium in the Rose Garden and ask, “Are you scared? Well, you shouldn’t be… You’re on Scare Tactics!”

Then Bush and his so-called co-conspirators in Congress take off their jackets, undo their neckties and we share a good laugh while we’re handed a bottle of spring water and told it was all an act. The footage of mutilated bodies in Iraq was recycled from Operation Desert Storm, the war stories planted, the 4600+ war dead just a cruel joke.

The economy is actually robust, the deficit nonexistent and the extra money gouged from us at the pump since last spring will be cheerfully refunded back to us. No one’s losing their home, we can still file for bankruptcy if we need to but we’ll never have to since we’re all financially solvent and actually able to support our families without having to work 80 hours a week.

The Iranian nuclear threat was just a good-natured hoax (better hand a bottle of water to Ahmadinejad because he, too, was a victim of this colossal hoax) and North Korea didn’t actually get workable nukes under Bush’s and John Bolton’s watch. Infragard prowling the streets of America during a pre-announced martial law and killing us with complete impunity? How could we fall for that?

We keep waiting and waiting for that admission so we can all breath again but the fact is we’re not on a nationally televised cable access show and the punking is for real. The scorpion stung us because we let it after eight years of relative peace and prosperity. Because the scorpion told us that he could get us to the Promised Side of the River faster and more efficiently and that we’d get there faster and more efficiently with the aid of a soulless private industry.

We all deserve to get punked, to get stung because we could’ve and should've told the scorpion to go fuck himself, to find some other poor dumb bastard to give him a lift across that river, for enough of us voting for him so that a theft of the last two elections seemed like a plausible outcome.

Like I’ve been saying all this time, we deserve what we had coming to us just as we deserve what we will have coming to us if we elect McCain and the resurrected zombie who’ll likely be his president-in-waiting.


Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home

All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Paul Ryan's Top Ten Conditions on Running for the Speakership
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Mitt Romney Won't Run for President in 2016
  • Top 10 Results of the NYPD's Work Slowdown
  • Top 10 Secret Service Security Breaches
  • Top 10 LA Radio Shows That Are Rated Higher Than Rush Limbaugh's
  • Top 10 Reasons Operation American Spring Went Flat
  • Top Ten Facts of the MH370 Air Disaster
  • Top 10 Tips for GOP Congressmen Running Against Women
  • Top 10 Signs Walmart's Mistreating its Workers
  • Top 10 Diversions John McCain Found During Syria Hearing
  • Top 10 George Zimmerman Excuses for Speeding.
  • Top 10 Reasons Paula Deen Got Fired by the Food Network
  • Top Ten Ways Pope Francis is Deviating From Convention
  • Top 10 Reasons For the Pope's Resignation
  • Top 10 Emails Hacked From the Bush Family's Email Accounts
  • Top 10 Lies Told by Mitt Romney at the 2nd Debate.
  • Top 10 Examples of How Hard the Campaign Trail is on Ann D. Romney.
  • Top 10 Ways to Tell The Boston Red Sox Are Finished.
  • Top 10 Things Mitt May be Hiding in His Tax Returns.
  • Top 10 Events at the Romney Olympics.
  • Mitt Romney's Top 10 Wild & Crazy Moments.
  • Top Ten Reasons Why Dick Cheney Got a Heart Transplant.
  • Top 10 Facts About Tonight's New England/Denver Game.
  • My Top 10 Resolutions.
  • Top 10 Rejected Slogans of the Romney Campaign.
  • Top 10 Reasons Herman Cain Suspended His Campaign.
  • Top 10 Trending Topics on Twitter During #OWS Eviction.
  • Top 10 Herman Cain Pickup Lines.
  • Top 10 Changes Since Anthony Weiner Decided to Resign.
  • Top 10 Inaccuracies re bin Laden's Death.
  • Top 10 Ways to Prevent a TSA Patdown.
  • Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why Donald Trump Bowed Out of the Presidential Race.
  • Top 10 Ways Evangelicals Will Prepare for the Rapture II.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Today's Parliament Inquiry into News Corp.
  • Top 10 Reasons Why There Was No Vote on the Debt Ceiling Last Night.
  • Top 10 Revelations in Dick Cheney's Upcoming Memoir.
  • Top Ten Ways Americans Will Observe the 10th Anniversary of 9/11.
  • Top Ten Advances in Women's Rights in Saudi Arabia.
  • Top Ten Inaccuracies in Bill O'Reilly's Book About Lincoln.
  • Top Ten Suggestions From the Cat Food Commission.
  • Top Ten Worst Moments in George W. Bush's Presidency.
  • Top Ten Facts in George W. Bush's Memoir.
  • Top Ten Reasons Terry Jones Postponed His Koran Burning
  • Top 10 Causes for Dick Cheney's Congestive Heart Failure
  • Top Ten Ways That Jan Brewer Will Celebrate Cinco de Mayo
  • Top Ten Demands in Sarah Palin's Contract
  • Top Ten Whoppers in Karl Rove's New Book
  • Top 10 Items Left Behind in Rush Limbaugh's Apartment
  • Top Ten Things Barack Obama said to Rush Limbaugh in the Hospital
  • Top Ten Bizarre Promos Offered by the New Jersey Nets
  • Top 10 Bush Executive Orders Labor Wants President Obama to Repeal
  • George W. Bush's Top Ten Lesser Achievements
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • Hullabaloo, Digby's place.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • The artist formerly known as Politits. The politics are still liberal.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger