The Closing Statement That Obama Should've Given

At this point, Obama's widening up such a big lead over the massively unpopular McCain that nothing short of he, Jeremiah Wright and Willie Horton gang-raping Nancy Reagan and refracturing her pelvis on the floor of the NYSE at the height of the trading day could lose this election for him. Therefore, knowing the tide was surely turning to his campaign, Obama should've unloaded on McCain with both barrels, spikes high, hammers and tongs. So this is the closing statement at the end of the third and final debate that I and I'm sure many liberals would've wet their pants upon hearing. Play Senator Obama's voice in your mind's ear as you follow the narration.

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Bob Schieffer: Senator Obama, you won the coin toss. You first.

Barack Obama: Thank you, Bob, and again allow me to thank Hofstra University and the fine city of Hempstead, New York for hosting this fruitful and vigorous debate.

Now, my Senate colleague and worthy opponent Senator John McCain has been putting a lot of stuff out there and not all of it is true. For the longest time, at more vulnerable moments in my campaign, I've been forced to play house nigger and to avoid looking like the "angry black man" for the white psychopaths who seem to comprise a larger percentage of John's base than he'd like to admit. Tonight, I'm pulling out all the stops.

First of all, I notice Joe Lieberman hasn't been around very much after you chose that glassy-eyed stewardess to be your running mate. I almost didn't recognize you, John, without Lieberman's withered hand up your fat, pasty ass and working your mouth during the debates like the Republican sock puppet that you are.

And while we're once again on the subject of running mates, it ought to be noted on national television that Gov. Sarah Palin has less foreign policy experience than Joe Biden's cock and I can prove it. Because at least my colleague's cock, along with the rest of him, sat in on countless hearings on the Senate Foreign Relations Committee. If by dint of sheer proximity to Canada and Russia Sarah Palin can absorb foreign policy experience, so can my running mate's phallus.

Now, John, you're sitting there idiotically smiling at no one in particular like a bloated, latter day Uncle Fester who can't stop farting at the dinner table. People accuse me of pandering to the right wing but you know what? If I am, then I learned from the best watching you these past two years because you, Senator McCain, are the prince of panderers.

Your campaign has more lobbyists than a federal prison and K Street combined. You pander to right wing snake-charming zealots starting with some sawed-off Jerry Falwell wannabe in Thomas Muthee. You pander to the most vicious element of the right wing even when they say vile crap like "Kill him!" and call me names like "Terrorist."

By the way, that reminds me of a joke: What are the first three words a McCain supporter's child learns? "Attention, Wal-Mart shoppers..."

You've benefited from fundraisers held by pus-sucking scumbags like Ralph Reed and G. Gordon Liddy, a man who probably puts red hot safety pins through the head of his penis every night just for shits and giggles.

If Hermann Goering, Jack the Ripper and Vlad the Impaler offered to host a fundraiser for you, you'd pull a muscle in your ancient artifact of a body getting there if they guaranteed big money and they promised to mash up your dinner for you.

You keep saying that I'm "unfit to serve" as President because I was never in the military but you know what? Neither did that champagne flight, coke-snorting psychopath with whom you voted, by your own admission, 90% of the time. And if I did serve in our nation's armed forces, I damned sure wouldn't sully that service by trying to claim 100 times a day that I'm fit to serve as our Commander in Chief simply because I got my ass shot down over Hanoi and was too crippled to escape.

I salute your service to our country, Senator but you know what else? According to George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, John Yoo, Alberto Gonzales, David Addington and the rest of the psychological sideshow that is the Bush administration, you were never actually tortured. You never suffered organ failure and you certainly aren't, at least technically, dead. So stop whining about being tortured and get over it.

In summation, Senator, you have run the vilest, filthiest, most below-the-belt campaign in recent memory. You have not publicly denounced people who would sooner see me dead than assume residency in a building that was built by slave labor because you cannot find it in your truffle of a heart to alienate anyone from whom you can squeeze out one single vote.

You, Sarah Palin. Tucker Bounds and the rest of your campaign can suck my eleven inch-long black dick. Yes, it's that big. Ask Cindy if you don't believe me, cuckold bait.

Bob Schieffer: Senator Obama, it's Senator McCain's turn...

Barack Obama: Thank you.