Sunday, August 2, 2009

The 21 Looniest Legislators II, Part Two

(Part One is here.)

10) Bill Posey

OK, the birthers were entertaining during the campaign but, like Sarah Palin, they’re getting old. Unlike Palin, unfortunately, they’ll just never quit. Last March, freshman Rep. Bill Posey brought the birther movement into the legitimate mainstream by sponsoring the birther bill, or HR 1503. At first, it looked as if it was doomed to fail then he started getting co-sponsors one by one, eventually gathering ten at last count, half of them racist rednecks from Texas alone. This measure would essentially card presidential candidates whose identity and eligibility you’d think would be established long before they’d file papers with the FEC. Oh, but this is to spare any future President Obamas grief the next time their birthplace is in dispute, says Posey.

I have a better idea: How about we sponsor a bill that proves presidential candidates running on a military service platform had actually served instead of going AWOL just before a physical would have turned up cocaine abuse? You know, just in the spirit of getting the facts straight in a general election year so we don’t have to deal with Swiftboaters and the like…

9) James “Tex” Sensenbrenner

The fact that a Kotex heir already worth $10 million playing the lottery and winning a quarter of a million dollars proves that, despite the fundies swarming all over Capitol Hill, God either shit the bed long, long ago or tuned out and joined a commune made up of other failed deities. But the cosmos in its sick jokes continues handing out condoms to the penisless and making pompous, fascist bags o' methane like James Sensenbrenner sleek, bloated and powerful.

The former chairman of the House Judiciary Committee was the one who heralded the outrageously-named Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act of 2005 and once told cable execs that broadcasters who say naughty words shouldn’t be fined, they should be imprisoned. He also refused to make an exception for those devastated by both Hurricane Katrina and his own bankruptcy bill. As Judiciary Committee chairman, he also had no problem with violating parliamentary procedure by turning off the microphones, pulling the plug on CSPAN cameras and turning off the lights.

The law and order Sensenbrenner was found to have had lobbyists pay his transportation costs, a clear violation of House rules, and has the highest travel expenses of any Congressman. But, in his defense, this is due largely to the fact that transporting Sensenbrenner to any one destination requires two jumbo jets. If this ambulatory neck wattle was born 20 or 30 years earlier, he would’ve distinguished himself so much that we’d still be fighting the Nazis over Europe.

8) Sen. Tom Coburn

With his tag team partner James Inhofe, US Senator, OB/GYN and marriage counselor Tom Coburn makes Oklahoma the least enviable state to be represented in the Senate with the possible exception of Connecticut. When the John Ensign scandal broke earlier this summer, Coburn was revealed to be one of the insiders who’d talked the Nevada senator into writing a Dear Joan letter to his married paramour then classily dropping it off at the nearest Fed Ex office.

When questioned about his role in covering up the scandal, Coburn replied that his and Ensign’s doctor/patient confidentiality precluded any need for disclosure despite John Ensign not having a uterus and being unable to ovulate. Coburn was also one of the Fellowship Inner Circle that persuaded Ensign to pay off the cuckolded couple to keep quiet.

A carbon-based love doll for the NRA, neither Coburn the healer nor Coburn the Christian doesn’t seem to be at all conflicted by Coburn the anti-gun control nut. In fact, Coburn’s been such a good disciple of Charlton Heston that as of 2004, he got a 100% score from the NRA. If you need further proof as to whether Coburn belongs near the top of this list, consider some of these golden oldies from years past:
To the Oklahoma State Legislature: “You have a bunch of crapheads in Oklahoma City that have killed the vision of anybody wanting to invest in Oklahoma.”

Coburn on his fellow doctors:: “I favor the death penalty for abortionists and other people who take life.”

Coburn on teh gays: “The gay community has infiltrated the very centers of power in every area across this country, and they wield extreme power … Why do you think we see the rationalization for abortion and multiple sexual partners? That’s a gay agenda.”

Coburn on teh gays again: (Lesbianism is) “so rampant in some of the schools in southeast Oklahoma that they’ll only let one girl go to the bathroom.”

7) Sen. James Inhofe

Physically speaking, James Inhofe of Oklahoma is the William Shatner of senators minus the benefit of the senior citizen smarm. About a month before the confirmation hearings, anti global warming whackjob Inhofe decided back in June that he wouldn’t meet with Judge Sonia Sotomayor. He never bothered waiting for her written questionnaire, which was longer and went into more exhaustive detail than those of John Roberts and Samuel Alito. He never bothered reviewing the 3000 or so cases over which Judge Sotomayor had presided as a federal judge. Like a typical Bushbot, he just decided from the gitgo that she wasn't worth even a cursory look.

Inhofe, on the other hand, seems to think that the birthers are on to something and is more afraid of alienating the hard core of Crazy Base World than he is Latino voters that are avoiding the GOP in droves and he proved it by saying of the birthers, “I don’t discourage” the bat shit insane belief that Obama was born in Kenya.

6) Tom Tancredo

At times, it seemed as if Tom Tancredo was openly competing with Marilyn Musgrave for top honors for the Kraziest Kongressman to represent Kolorado. Three years ago, Tancredo was listed by Rolling Stone as #6 on their list of the Ten Worst Congressmen and for damned good reason. Back in 2005, Tancredo said that we should retaliate for any future terrorist attacks by bombing Mecca and other holy Muslim sites, which forced JPod at the National Review to flatly pronounce, “Tom Tancredo is an idiot.” Determined to prove it, Tancredo then used the image of a terrorist detonating a bomb in a shopping mall in one of his presidential campaign ads that essentially said, “Elect me or we all die.” Tancredo loved his Johnsonian ad so much he spent a million dollars airing it in Iowa and New Hampshire, leaving his campaign with only $100,000. At the rate he’s going, Tancredo is just one brain seizure away from blowing up the Statue of Liberty and posthumously designating Emma Lazarus a liberal terrorist sympathizer.

Tancredo, who makes Archie Bunker look like a bleeding heart liberal, recently compared the Latino civil rights group La Raza to the KKK (“only without the hoods and the nooses”) and called Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor a “member of a Latino KKK.” (Note: A couple of years ago, Tancredo got an endorsement from the Klan Politician Watch, which says on its blog, “These are politicians we support around the nation that we know will save us from the Jew, black and brown plague infestation and their lawlessness.”)

5) Michele Bachmann

Michele Bachmann (R-Turner Diaries) has proven to be a worthy successor to Katherine Harris since getting elected to Congress in 2006. After disingenuously riding on a sanity platform aided and abetted by the right wing Minnesota press, Bachmann wasted no time in groveling at George W. Bush’s clay hooves just five years after lambasting Bush’s and the GOP-led Congress’ agenda. After canoodling with the Commanderin’ Chimp, Bachmann then topped herself by hiding, appropriately, in the bushes so she wouldn’t be approached by participants at a gay rally, refused to completely fill out the 2010 census because of the Japanese internment camps almost 70 years ago (an argument that made even fellow loonie Glenn Beck shoot her down) and, in the final days of the election, suggested that Congress be investigated for un-American activities. Way to go, MN-6, for reelecting her. But then again, what can one expect from a state that has eight month ballot counts and thought a muscle-bound character actor with no political experience would make a good governor?

4) Dana Rohrabacher

While perhaps a dark horse in the insanity sweepstakes, former Reagan speechwriter Rohrabacher of California’s 46th district has been fun fodder since getting elected to Congress in 1988. One of the midwives of the spectacularly overrated and murderous Reagan Doctrine, Rohrabacher once sarcastically suggested that dinosaur farts could be the cause of global warming. He once called Blackwater’s psychopath head Erik Prince a hero on a par with none other than Oliver North.

He also once called the Taliban “devout traditionalists” and actually said to Members of the European Union Parliament, “I hope it’s your family members that die” because they disagreed with him that the best way to deal with terrorist suspects was to hook electrodes up to their genitals. Lord only knows what’s in the water in the OC that they saw fit to elect this loonie to eleven consecutive terms. Sometimes, even Koolaid doesn't explain everything.

3) Steve King

It’s often impossible to determine which product of Iowa is more hideous and disturbed: The hard rock band Slipknot or Congressman Steve King. Making King the ranking Republican of the House Immigration Subcommittee is kind of like making Ted Nugent the vice president of PETA. Three years ago last month, King appeared on the floor of the House and proposed building an electrified fence along the Mexican border and punctuated his point by likening Mexicans to cattle as he tried to assemble his miniature mockup.

Kongressman King has proven to be a more than worthy soul mate of fellow xenophobe Tom Tancredo but before you think that King is a one issue congressman, think again. Late in 2007, King introduced to Congress a resolution that said Christmas and Christians is important, too. Apparently, King was feeling a bit left out because the House had just passed a resolution that honored certain nonwhite minorities. King’s measure passed 372-9, proving that Christian fundamentalism is indeed communicable.

When Iowa legalized gay marriage in early April this year, King’s office fired off a communiqué calling Iowa “the gay marriage Mecca”, thereby slandering not just the newly empowered gay community but also the holiest city of the Muslim world.

Steve King’s idea of illegal immigrants crossing the border.

He thinks torture is merely “hazing” and that Washington, DC, New Orleans and Detroit is more dangerous than Iraq. And when news reached him of Abu al Zarqawi’s death, King actually said in public, “There probably are not 72 virgins in the hell he's at. And if there are, they probably all look like Helen Thomas.”

In this term, King has sponsored two bills and co-sponsored two dozen others. Not a single one of them passed, thereby making him possibly the most worthless piece of shit on Capitol Hill since Jeff Gannon.

2) Sen. John McCain

.oO Shit, Cindy’s right! I still can’t get that fundie semen smell off my breath! Oo.

Being older than God's piano teacher didn't deter our runner up from seeking the most rigorously demanding office in the land. In the process, Sen. John McCain of Arizona became an enduring inspiration to nursing home residents, embittered Vietnam War vets and retirees who hang around all-night convenience stores at 5 in the morning hoping to get noticed and offered a job by a compassionate manager. The consummate triangulator, McCain spent two years and $333 million sucking up to more people than all the combined leeches in Louisiana's bayous.

From April until the bailout bill came up for vote in October, McCain didn't cast a single vote in the Senate while he criss-crossed the country to remind people of the importance of voting. Hardly a day went by during the 13 year-long campaign cycle of the last election that McCain didn't commit at least one faux pas. And on some of the rare exceptions when he told the truth, Tucker Bounds, his campaign spokesman, was telling people, Don't listen to John McCain, listen to his handlers, instead. This was because John McCain was also being held captive by his own campaign. No wonder he kept having flashbacks of the Hanoi Hilton on the campaign trail.

The epitome of McCain's powerlessness over his own campaign came when he was pressured into nominating as his running mate the obscure freshman Governor of Alaska who had all the charm and epic drama of a cheerleader with a malignant brain tumor. Sarah Palin turned out to be a mail order bride of Frankenstein who then quickly co-opted Camp McCain for her own purposes and alienating even the power brokers who had lobbied for her inclusion on the ticket.

From stubbornly insisting that Spain was part of Latin America and that the Czech Republic and Slovakia were re-unified, to Shi'ite Iran aiding the Sunni al Qaeda network to proposing shipping bottles of hot water to dehydrated babies, McCain was still propped up by a clueless media intent on fooling us into thinking that this was a two horse race and not at all a repeat of 1964. In the end, what defeated McCain was not Barack Obama but an electorate that was even more desperate than McCain was to be President.

1) Sen. Jeff Sessions

Sen. Jeff Sessions, whose middle name of Beauregard merely brings to mind some mint julep-swilling scion of an antebellum plantation- and slave-owning family, gets the top nod as the most outrageously insane lawmaker out of 535 mostly worthy candidates. He’s also a Dishonorary Assclown of the Decade and the John Birch Society’s 2005 Platinum-Plated Prick of the Year.

With a disarming and misleadingly innocuous appearance of a corporate leprechaun, Sessions has somehow kept as a mere open secret the fact that he's the most vicious racist on Capitol Hill since Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond. While a US Attorney for Southern Alabama, he once tried unsuccessfully to charge civil rights activists with voter fraud.

While taking testimony in June 2005 from former Navy JAG Charles Swift, Sessions said on live national TV that every detainee at Guantanamo Bay ought to be executed immediately (only four of the 520 detainees there at the time had been charged and many have since been released after being found innocent). During the same day of testimony, Sessions thought that Gitmo "would make a great resort." He also thinks the ACLU and NAACP are inspired by the Communist Party. In 1986, he was once rejected for being an unrepentant, racist asshole by the same judiciary committee of which he's now the ranking Republican at a time when Reagan was getting all his neocon judicial appointees rubber-stamped by the Senate.

But Sessions had his most lasting 15 minutes of fame as the de facto head of the Swinging Noose faction of the GOP before and during the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings. Rather than focusing on her vast body of rulings over the past 17 years, Jeff Sessions chose to obsessively focus on a few words she said in a 2001 speech about the advantage "a wise Latina" has over a white asshole like, well, Jeff Sessions, for instance.

Dishonorable Mention

Marilyn Musgrave

Now no longer representing Colorado’s 4th congressional district, Musgrave’s antics on Capitol Hill pale in comparison to the meanspiritedness in the wake of last election that finally resulted in her getting tossed out on her fat nasty ass by Betsy Markey. For a month, Musgrave refused to concede or even to thank her campaign staff. In fact, in a rare moment of humanity, the KKK’s fair-haired Golden Girl considerately disappeared from the face of the earth. She resurfaced three weeks after election day and even then only in a robocall on behalf of Saxby Chambliss. What you hear above is her idea of a political endorsement/concession speech, which is a prolonged whine about the leftist agenda and money that washed her out of office.

For losing the election, Godfather George “Karleone” Bush gives Musgrave the Slobber of Death with the words, “You broke Turdblossom’s heart.”

Not mentioned is the fact that the NRCC (National Republican Campaign Committee) flooded into her own troubled campaign almost a million bucks ($900,000, to be precise). Despite that, it still wasn’t enough to put back asleep voters who’d finally woken up and realized that they’d elected to three consecutive terms a skanky, homophobic, emotionally palsied Republican cunt who seems to have raised and welded in place the bar on lunacy.


At August 3, 2009 at 1:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo! Some of your best work!

At August 4, 2009 at 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your blog sucks.

At August 4, 2009 at 1:04 PM, Blogger pitbull friend said...

Wonderful! Somehow you've added something new and funny about each of these freaks.

At August 5, 2009 at 11:30 AM, Anonymous Helen Rainier said...

JP -- loved this! Some of your expressions simply cracked me up -- "appointing Ted Nugent President of PETA", needing 2 or 3 jumbo jets to transport Sensenbrenner and just a host of others.

Your sense of witty and humorous sarcasm is simply delightful and very intelligent.

At August 5, 2009 at 2:55 PM, Blogger Khesanh said...

Know your object was satire, but two things: 1) please do not lump Vietname Vets and John McCain together. He has been no friend to VietVets and is largely looked down upon by our group in AZ. His actions as a Naval Officer and POW were disreputable, but largely hidden from the public. 2) Please don't paint VietVets as "hanging around all-night convenience stores at 5 in the morning hoping to get noticed and offered a job by a compassionate manager." We had enough discriminatory remarks and negative stereotyping upon returning home and afterwards. Know it was unintentional, but also unnecessary.

At August 5, 2009 at 3:17 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

"Please don't paint VietVets as 'hanging around all-night convenience stores at 5 in the morning'"

I didn't. I was painting all retirees with that broad brush. Those are the people I meant to universally offend, not my fellow veterans.

At August 6, 2009 at 2:32 PM, Blogger mary b said...

I agree with you on all except Kucinich. Sure, he's done some silly stuff. But he does try his best to keep the rethugs honest. He doesn't get enough creidt for the good that he does. Other than that, your list is great!

At August 6, 2009 at 4:29 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

(sigh) Mary, dear? You ever heard of tongue in cheek?


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