Monday, September 20, 2010

Top Ten Things Not to Say When You're Pulled Over


Recently, Yahoo! News published a feature on what not to do if you ever get pulled over by a police officer. Conspicuously missing from the feature were what not to say in that situation. What are the top ten worst things to say to a police officer after getting pulled over?

  • 10) "You must be new in town or fresh out of the academy. OK, you go straight, hang a right at the next set of lights and Dunkin' Donuts is right there on your left."

  • 9) "No, I'm not a lawyer but I slept in a Holiday Inn last night with your wife."

  • 8) "You know, if it wasn't for the two headless bodies in the trunk, I could've outrun you."

  • 7) "I'd pay your salary with my taxes if I didn't cheat on them every year!"

  • 6) "I don't know where the registration is, Officer. Pop the trunk and ask the owner."

  • 5) "Riddle me this: What drives a motorcycle, is dressed in blue and too stupid to pass the detective's exam?"

  • 4) "My other car's the Batmobile and you're about to blow my secret identity, flatfoot!"

  • 3) "Sucks for me that Wal-Mart or the mall's not hiring security guards."

  • 2) "I've been waiting for this opportunity. For months, I've been practicing reciting the alphabet backwards while dead drunk."

  • 1) "What are you packing, a 9 millimeter? I'm sorry about your small penis."
  • 5 Comments:

    At September 20, 2010 at 3:37 PM, Anonymous Mr. Helpful Suggestion said...

    Not being sarcastic here, but since you're unemployed and say you have a history of writing jokes for people like Dangerfield, have you ever considered doing open-mic nights at comedy clubs? Not sure if your small town has anything like those, though. However, look at how many people have turned troubled personal lives and bad economic circumstances into successful comedy. It wouldn't be an easy row to hoe, but is the life you're living now all that easy anyway?

     
    At September 20, 2010 at 3:48 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

    You know, it's funny you should as that. Just last night while watching Lewis Black I was thinking if it was too late to start a standup career. Of course, you could be the funniest, most brilliant writer in the world but it won't count or spit unless you can execute onstage. It's something to think about, surely. The problem is when you're just starting out, you work for a free a lot and I live off the beaten path as regards comedy clubs (they tend to be in urban areas like Boston, which is about 25 miles away).

     
    At September 21, 2010 at 8:54 AM, Anonymous Comrade Rutherford said...

    "Why, yes, Officer, I have been drinking this evening!"

     
    At September 21, 2010 at 9:48 AM, Blogger Bartender Cabbie said...

    Probably not a good idea to call a cop Barney, Barn or Fife.

     
    At September 22, 2010 at 12:05 AM, Blogger Rusty Shackleford said...

    I liked George Carlins line...officer,you're a public servant are'nt you? Then get me a glass of water.

     

    Post a Comment

    << Home

    KindleindaWind, my writing blog.

    All Time Classics

  • Our Worse Half: The 25 Most Embarrassing States.
  • The Missing Security Tapes From the World Trade Center.
  • It's a Blunderful Life.
  • The Civil War II
  • Sweet Jesus, I Hate America
  • Top Ten Conservative Books
  • I Am Mr. Ed
  • Glenn Beck: Racist, Hate Monger, Comedian
  • The Ten Worst Music Videos of all Time
  • Assclowns of the Week

  • Links to the first 33 Assclowns of the Week.
  • Links to Assclowns of the Week 38-63.
  • #106: The Turkey Has Landed edition
  • #105: Blame it on Paris or Putin edition
  • #104: Make Racism Great Again Also Labor Day edition
  • #103: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Toilet edition
  • #102: Orange is the New Fat edition
  • #101: Electoral College Dropouts edition
  • #100: Centennial of Silliness edition
  • #99: Dr. Strangehate edition
  • #98: Get Bentghazi edition
  • #97: SNAPping Your Fingers at the Poor edition
  • #96: Treat or Treat, Kiss My Ass edition
  • #95: Monumental Stupidity double-sized edition
  • #94: House of 'Tards edition
  • #93: You Da Bomb! edition.
  • #92: Akin to a Fool edition.
  • #91: Aurora Moronealis edition.
  • #90: Keep Your Gubmint Hands Off My High Pre'mums and Deductibles! edition.
  • #89: Occupy the Catbird Seat/Thanksgiving edition.
  • #88: Heil Hitler edition.
  • #87: Let Sleeping Elephants Lie edition.
  • #86: the Maniacs edition.
  • #85: The Top 50 Assclowns of 2010 edition.
  • #(19)84: Midterm Madness edition.
  • #83: Spill, Baby, Spill! edition.
  • #82: Leave Corporations Alone, They’re People! edition.
  • #81: Hatin' on Haiti edition.
  • #80: Don't Get Your Panties in a Twist edition.
  • #79: Top 50 Assclowns of 2009 edition.
  • #78: Nattering Nabobs of Negativism edition.
  • #77: ...And Justice For Once edition.
  • #76: Reading Tea Leaves/Labor Day edition.
  • #75: Diamond Jubilee/Inaugural Edition
  • #74: Dropping the Crystal Ball Edition
  • #73: The Twelve Assclowns of Christmas Edition
  • #72: Trick or Treat Election Day Edition
  • #71: Grand Theft Autocrats Edition
  • #70: Soulless Corporations and the Politicians Who Love Them Edition
  • Empire Of The Senseless.
  • Christwire.org: Conservative Values for an Unsaved World.
  • Esquire's Charles Pierce.
  • Brilliant @ Breakfast.
  • The Burning Platform.
  • The Rant.
  • Mock, Paper, Scissors.
  • James Petras.
  • Towle Road.
  • Avedon's Sideshow (the new site).
  • At Largely, Larisa Alexandrovna's place.
  • The Daily Howler.
  • The DCist.
  • Greg Palast.
  • Jon Swift. RIP, Al.
  • God is For Suckers.
  • The Rude Pundit.
  • Driftglass.
  • Newshounds.
  • William Grigg, a great find.
  • Brad Blog.
  • Down With Tyranny!, Howie Klein's blog.
  • Wayne's World. Party time! Excellent!
  • Busted Knuckles, aka Ornery Bastard.
  • Mills River Progressive.
  • Right Wing Watch.
  • Earthbond Misfit.
  • Anosognosia.
  • Echidne of the Snakes.
  • They Gave Us a Republic.
  • The Gawker.
  • Outtake Online, Emmy-winner Charlotte Robinson's site.
  • Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo
  • No More Mr. Nice Blog.
  • Head On Radio Network, Bob Kincaid.
  • Spocko's Brain.
  • Pandagon.
  • Slackivist.
  • WTF Is It Now?
  • No Blood For Hubris.
  • Lydia Cornell, a very smart and accomplished lady.
  • Roger Ailes (the good one.)
  • BlondeSense.
  • The Smirking Chimp.
  • Hammer of the Blogs.
  • Vast Left Wing Conspiracy.
  • Argville.
  • Existentialist Cowboy.
  • The Progressive.
  • The Nation.
  • Mother Jones.
  • Vanity Fair.
  • Salon.com.
  • Citizens For Legitimate Government.
  • News Finder.
  • Indy Media Center.
  • Lexis News.
  • Military Religious Freedom.
  • McClatchy Newspapers.
  • The New Yorker.
  • Bloggingheads TV, political vlogging.
  • Find Articles.com, the next-best thing to Nexis.
  • Altweeklies, for the news you won't get just anywhere.
  • The Smirking Chimp
  • Don Emmerich's Peace Blog
  • Wikileaks.
  • The Peoples' Voice.
  • Dictionary.com.
  • CIA World Fact Book.
  • IP address locator.
  • Tom Tomorrow's hilarious strip.
  • Babelfish, an instant, online translator. I love to translate Ann Coulter's site into German.
  • Newsmeat: Find out who's donating to whom.
  • Wikipedia.
  • Uncyclopedia.
  • anysoldier.com
  • Icasualties
  • Free Press
  • YouTube
  • The Bone Bridge.
  • Powered by Blogger