Thursday, March 1, 2012

Rest in Peace? Not Too Damned Likely.

"I called you a putz cause I thought you werebeing intentionally disingenuous." - Andrew Breitbart on Twitter minutes before his sudden death.

It's only fitting that in the final minutes of his life, Andrew Breitbart chose to reiterate a final insult to an anonymous detractor. It's also fitting that in his final public appearance (at CPAC), he showed us a last flare of the bugged-eyed conspiratorial venom that he'd aimed largely at liberals, calling the CPAC protesters in a pathetic recycling of the #OWS meme he'd helped launch and spread, "rapists."

I am not going to ask people to pray for Andrew Breitbart and his family because I'm an atheist. And I'm also not going to feign respect for a man who had absolutely no problem whatsoever with dancing on Ted Kennedy's as yet dug grave and who'd crossed swords with me on Twitter when I'd tried holding his feet to the fire. Besides, right about now, I can perfectly imagine Lucifer doing a facepalm and muttering to himself while Beelzebub unsuccessfully tries consoling him, "What the fuck have I done?" From my POV, the most tragic thing about Breitbart's death is that it robs Eric Boehlert of half his reason for living.

But Andrew Breitbart, fellow Americans and countrymen, is dead, according to his own website,, that risibly referred to him as "a happy warrior." There was nothing happy about Andrew Breitbart, a man who saw black power and ACORN conspiracies behind every mailbox. In fact, if Breitbart had let himself be happy outside of squirting sewage at liberals and manufacturing conspiracy theories, he'd still be among us. As it was, his death by natural causes was most likely a heart attack or toxic shock from accidentally biting his venomous tongue or apoplexy over "discovering" yet another evil, dark secret about George Soros.

Breitbart's legacy rests largely on the fact that he was the Sugar Daddy of another conspiracy theorist, James O'Keefe. Thanks largely to Breitbart's financial and public relations backing, O'Keefe was allowed to film misleading and cleverly edited videos purporting to show ACORN workers in a bad light. According to Breitbart and O'Keefe, ACORN was giving advice to O'Keefe and Hannah Giles on how to set up a brothel while both of Breitbart's proteges were in full pimp/prostitute costumes. As we all now know, nothing could be further from the truth.

We also know that low-level USDA offical Shirley Sherrod's speech to the NAACP was also cleverly edited with the express purpose of disingenuously showing Ms. Sherrod in a racist light. In her speech, she recounted an incident in which she revealed she was not too disposed to help a white farmer. What Breitbart not so cleverly left out was the peroration of Ms. Sherrod's speech in which she also revealed this led to an epiphany that taught her an invaluable lesson about racial tolerance.

More recently, Breitbart added to his infamy by "reluctantly" releasing the Anthony Weiner Twitter photos to bottom feeders Opie and Anthony, thereby inspiring in many of us the nausea of Breitbart presenting himself as a model of forbearance.

In a slightly more sane world (forget about "a perfect world". That meme died with the first foreclosure, the expulsion of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden), people like Andrew Breitbart would be reduced to holding sandwich boards and placards reading, "The End is Nigh! Repent!" on urban street corners while sympathetic commuters pass by him and dropping spare change in a paper coffee cup.

But this is not a perfect world nor even a remotely sane one. If it was, then people like Breitbart wouldn't then be given so much journalistic currency to set up a little empire on the internet and wouldn't have found himself on television so often and seriously asked for his opinion. This is the United States, a nation of ass-backwards priorities that is titillated by scandal no matter how baseless.

We are Americans, indisputably the stupidest and most tragically misinformed and uninformed nationality on earth. And all people like Breitbart have to do is edit videos in hamfisted attempts to contort truth. Thanks to people like Breitbart and his underlings (who had actually duped him, by his own admission), it led to a hysteria in Congress leading to ACORN's defunding, hence their destruction, and a USDA official getting the boot without just cause.

Andrew Breitbart during his turbulent, sweaty, bug-eyed life served, or should have served, as an invaluable object lesson on many fronts. He should have served humanity as a warning as to what fallout results when conspiracy theorists like him get hold of the public imagination and is allowed to do with video editing that would put college freshman film students to shame.

He could have served Humankind as an object lesson as to what happens when you completely predicate your very physical existence on hatred and misguided passion. Breitbart was only 43, a full decade younger than me. So many conspiracy theories to manufacture, so many lives and worthy organizations to ruin, so little time.

Andrew Breitbart's various conspiracy theory websites that are charitably referred to as news sites were the sweaty, lice-riddled armpit of an already highly suspect internet that also includes The Drudge Report and the Huffington Post, two other tabloid cyber rags he'd helped found. Breitbart is the price we pay, and the price that innocents pay, when we swallow wholesale every outlandish theory that's advanced and amplified to deafening levels.

Brietbart's entire adult life was the manhole we fall through, the banana peel we slip on, the wall we walk into when we don't keep our eyes open. And not only was Breitbart listened to, he made damned good money for subtracting from our nation's store of knowledge.

I got little moments of joy out of needling Breitbart on Twitter and getting him to reveal the lies that he turned into gold (such as James O'Keefe not being a convicted felon over the Mary Landrieu break-in). But I will not miss such moments any more than I missed Hal Turner after he did the stainless steel shuffle to federal prison.

Andrew Breitbart was a national embarrassment or should have been regarded as such. Instead, he was elevated to a level of celebrity and notoriety denied many, many others who toil in the trenches in obscurity day after day, year after year, to honestly educate the American public about what really is and what's truly important. But if the American public was truly educable, then people like Breitbart wouldn't thrive as he had and backhanded obituaries like this would not exist.


At March 1, 2012 at 12:07 PM, Blogger Unknown said...

Well, so much for we Conservatives being the intolerant Haters...

At March 1, 2012 at 12:09 PM, Blogger Mithras61 said...

I find that as much as I try, I cannot find something appropriate and yet in line with my belief that we should refrain from speaking ill of the dead.

May his loved ones find the peace and surcease that Andrew was unable to find in life.

At March 1, 2012 at 12:27 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Oh, dude, don't even go there. Offering an accurate recitation of Breitbart's lying legacy and quoting him in his own words is not the same thing as disrespect. You hypocritical wingnuts, led by Breitbart himself, had no problem with shitting all over Ted Kennedy's legacy before he was even cold. And when Bill Clinton's and Barney Frank's times come, you'll be doing the same damned thing Breitbart did after Kennedy died. So spare me your fucking one-sided ethics and hypocrisy. You people are hardly models of civility. I could've been a lot nastier than I was but Breitbart simply wasn't worth the effort.

At March 1, 2012 at 12:53 PM, Blogger Middle Molly said...

I am struggling with writing what I feel about the death of Breitbart. I do extend my heartfelt condolences to his family; I'm sure they will miss him and grieve him.

But.. I'll be happy to spread a link to your obit here, jurassic... It's a good one.

At March 1, 2012 at 1:22 PM, Blogger Charlie Adams said...

ding dong the witch is dead.....finally

At March 1, 2012 at 1:31 PM, Blogger BeerDog said...

@jurassicpork, you must take great pride in taking to another level that which you so vehemently despise about Andrew Breitbart. You sir, are scum!

At March 1, 2012 at 1:35 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

As stated, I was actually pretty restrained, which is more than you can say for your bloated superhero Andy in the hours following Ted Kennedy's death. Live by the sword... Well, you know the rest. If I'm scum, at least I'm factual scum. Which is also more than can say for breitbart, who inexplicably acquired enough influence and credibility to defund ACORN and needlessly ruin the career of an FDA official who (strictly by coincidence, I am sure) just happened to be black. in summation, you, sir, are a bleeding asshole.

At March 1, 2012 at 1:41 PM, Blogger BeerDog said...

Factual scum? You have reached a level of depravity in which you believe your own lies. You sir, shit from where you speak.

At March 1, 2012 at 1:49 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Oh, shit, you're right. I didn't realize that accurately summing up a man's history and quoting him in his own words was less than factual. WTF was I thinking??? Agh! (Btw, my earlier assessment of you being a bleeding asshole still stands).

At March 1, 2012 at 2:14 PM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

And you right wing twats think I'm bad? Try this on for size and then redefine righteous (albeit spot-on) nastiness.

At March 1, 2012 at 3:07 PM, Anonymous calling all toasters said...

The fact that all BeerDog has is the "Breitbart's rubber, you're glue" argument makes me enjoy this all the more. I'm just hoping I can earn a "sir" combined with a curse-- that would be an extra cherry on top!

At March 1, 2012 at 4:39 PM, Blogger Stan B. said...

His rotting body will smell less than the lies and hatred that spewed from it while still breathing.

At March 2, 2012 at 6:56 AM, Blogger Bukko Canukko said...

Fuck Brightfart. If I don't speak evil of his terminated existence, it's only because the bastard is not worth speaking about at all.

P.S. How come Cheney and Kissinger are still alive?

At March 2, 2012 at 10:55 AM, Blogger jurassicpork said...

Blood of virgins, Bukko, buckets of it, and several contracts with the Devil.

At March 2, 2012 at 12:11 PM, Anonymous Dee in NJ said...

Okay #1 to Charlie: Please don't insult the other witches. Breitbart didn't have the decency. Ding dong the rat fuck is dead.

#2 BeerDog: bite my fat ass you low life goose turd.

If anyone didn't notice, the announcement that Cocksucker Breitbart died of "natural causes" came from his own website. The LA County Coroner's office has only said it is investigating the death. I'm betting on the tox screen coming back positive for a nice little drug or three.

At March 4, 2012 at 4:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

His self loathing finally killed him.


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