I'm Celebrating Independence Day by Watching INDEPENDENCE DAY

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Esq.)

     Just today I was telling one of my junior vice presidents as we opened the office (Oh, quit your liberal bellyaching- we only work eight hours on July 4th) that this is one great country.
     Now, granted, I'll admit my patriotism usually peaks on July 4th by watching Independence Day with Will Smith and wishing that Bill Pullman was our president before stuffing pieces of roasted animal carcasses in my mouth. Because, let's face it, that and killing irreplaceable brain cells by swilling alcohol perfectly defines what it means to be an American.
     But to me, Independence Day means more than even that. To me, July 4th was the beginning of the transition between black people and Indians replacing the oppression of white British aristocrats for that of white American oligarchs. And, as a Commie comic once said, "America! What a country!"
     We've outlived the Roman, Greek and Ottoman Empires (although the Ottoman's furniture still, thankfully, endures) and it looks as if there's no end in sight. While I still have to tamp down my gag reflex at having a president who isn't sufficiently white, the numbers don't lie: Wall Street is doing better than ever, the outsourcing of jobs spearheaded by the Chamber of Commerce continues unabated and we're finally tackling the problem of homelessness by criminalizing indigence and charity.
     The homeless spikes, also, are really taking off.
     We're floating like bloated whales on a sea of cash totaling $2,000,000,000,000. Scrooge McDuck? He was a fucking piker. His swimming pool of gold coins is smaller than my hot tub.
     Now, granted, it wasn't all wine and roses. About 80 years ago, some crippled liberal apostate named Roosevelt started fucking shit up by cultivating this unnatural sympathy for the bottom 99%. Less than 30 years after that, another rich liberal named Kennedy started handing out civil rights like Rockefeller tossing dimes to the poor.
     But now we're finding our true north again by returning to our capitalist roots. Do not think for a minute that we're the democratic republic that the politically pious keep telling you. We're a capitalist, oligarchical collection of corporations, always have been and always will be. From the slave-owning cotton merchants who founded this country all the way on down to their descendants who own the tomato and lettuce fields in California, America was never founded with the actual intention of giving inalienable rights to Americans of all walks of life, all races, creeds and religions.
     That's horseshit and you all know it.
     Otherwise, how can you explain us oppressing one minority after another in some white man's round robin tournament of Manifest Destiny and Eminent Domain? First it was the blacks, the Indians, then the land grabs and annexing huge swaths of land from Mexico to bloat the size of Texas, to our persecution of the Catholics. Back in the 60's, Lyndon Johnson declared war on poverty. But now, with the rise of real patriots like the Canadian-born Ted Cruz we're finally waging the war we should have been waging all along: A War on the Poverty-Stricken.
     It took us long enough but now we're finally peeling back the misguided liberal bullshit of a century ago that resulted in child labor and antitrust laws, Glass Steagall, bringing back Jim Crow. And, like Glass Steagall, God willing, soon the Civil Rights and Voting Rights Acts will also be a thing of the past.
     Now, if we can only just do something about all those fags getting married...