Midterm Election Live Blogging: Sink Along With Mitch edition

     OK, despite CNN's and Fox doing their level-headed best to make us forget liberalism ever existed and that, yes, Democrats are actually for elected office this time around, I think we'll see some surprises this year.
     Granted, ditching the Senate Minority Leader as we did House Majority Whip Eric Cantor during his Republican primary last June won't cure all our ills. But without the Human Saw Horse fucking things up in the Senate, at least the upper chamber will move a little faster. And, no, the Republicans will NOT retake the Senate tonight. Stop. Listening. To. The. Fucking. Polls.
     The first precincts are reporting from Florida (Election results are updated in real time here) and so far Alan Grayson has a comfortable lead in the 9th and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz looks as if she'll easily win re-election in the 23rd.
     Remember to keep tuning in regularly as I'll be making literally dozens of updates as the results of congressional, Senate and gubernatorial races come in from various sources.
 (Update) In what has to be the fastest projected win in American political history, Kentucky declared Mitch McConnell the winner over Alison Grimes. They essentially raised Mitch's hand literally the nanosecond the polls closed at 6 Central time, with just 11% of the polls reporting. But a 57-40 lead can evaporate in no time.
(Update) McConnell's 17 point has rapidly shrunk to 12.6%, with just over a third of the precincts reporting.
(Update) McConnell's lead over Grimes is now at 12.4% with 34% reporting. Just remember, if there's any evidence of Republican dirty tricks, he'll be fucking with the wrong woman: Alison Grimes is, after all, the KY Secretary of State.
     Meanwhile in New Hampshire, Jean Shaheen has a comfortable 12.2 lead over Scott Brown. Brown's about to enjoy the unfortunately distinction of getting his carpet-bagging ass kicked by two different women in two different Senate races in two different states.
     It's looking good so far for Kay Hagan in NC, who's winning by 7.6%.
(Update) Former RNC Chair Ed Gillespie, one of the worst hacks in American political history, has opened up a 6.5% lead over Democratic incumbent Mark Warner. WTF is with Virginia?
     In Georgia, proud outsourcer-in-chief and all-around scumbag David Purdue is beating Michelle Nunn by about 25%. WTF is with Georgia?
(Update) Meanwhile, in Thomas Frank's favorite state is developing what I think is among the most interesting early developments, Independent Greg Orman is beating incumbent Pat Roberts by about 2.5%.
     Michigan's open Senate seat should go to Democrat Gary Peters, who was projected by the Puff Ho's model to beat Republican challenger Terri Land by 98%. Peters' lead is now about 11% with 3.1% reporting.
     In my home state of Massachusetts, incumbent Ed Markey should win re-election by about 20 points.
     In Maine, Susan Collins should crush Bellows by about a zillion points. No surprise there, ay-yah.
(Update) In a vivid delineation of the old adage, "It ain't over until the Fat Lady and the voters sing, check out these fascinating results in Mississippi: Now, granted, less than 400 votes have been counted but they called the race for GOP incumbent Tad Cochran, even though he's losing by 5%.  Here's a screengrab proving how stupid it is to call a race for someone when hardly any precincts have reported:

(Update) I've got a wild hair across my ass for Renee Ellmers, the psycho who defended drawing a paycheck during the government shutdown 13 months ago. Thus far, with about 35% of polls reporting in NC, she's beating Clay Aiken by about 4.4%. Come on, Clay!

     Meanwhile in NC's senate race, incumbent Kay Hagan's still in great shape, also leading her opponent by 4.4% with about a quarter of the polls reporting.

     Jack Reed's safe in Rhode Island, too.

(Update) Clean Congressional sweep in my home state of Massachusetts, as usual. We played our part once again, people. It's up t you to vote likewise.
     Congrats to Governor-elect Tom Wolf, who beat GOP incumbent Tom Corbett. Oddly, they, too, called the race before any of the votes were counted.
(Update) Mark Udall is in the dogfight of his life. With less than 14% reporting in CO, Udall's losing by 5.5%. Politico has the Democrats losing 3 Senate seats to the GOP but those are races that are far from over.
     In another stupid projection, incumbent Chris Coons is losing in Delaware by about 9%. Coons was projected the winner.
     More bad news: Democratic incumbent Mark Pryor just lost in Arkansas.
(Update) In Illinois, Dick Durbin's losing by 1.2%. 
     Udall's now losing by about 9%. This can't be fucking happening.
     Thus far, Coons, Udall, and Pryor are losing big. That's half the seats the scumbags in the GOP need for a Senate majority. What the fucking hell is wrong with this country?
(Update) More horrible news: On the gubernatorial front, Rick Scott, despite the straw polls, is beating Charlie Crist by almost 2% with 91.5 reporting. This cannot be happening. 
     Nathan "Guns Everywhere" Deal should win re-election by 20 points, proving that Georgia is, once again, one of the stupidest, most misinformed states in the union.
     In one of the few pieces of good news in the Governor's races, Sam Brownback's losing by 4% with 10% reporting. So Kansas isn't totally crazy.
     Proving my home state of Massachusetts isn't totally sane, Charlie Baker is beating perennial loser Martha Coakley by about 2%.
     Andy Cuomo's crushing the competition in New York like he stuck them in a car compactor in the dead of night. Which Cuomo's probably done from time to time.
     Ohio insists on keeping their scumbag right wing governor John Kasich, who's winning by, like, 110%.
     South Carolina's also insisting on keeping Niki "Stars and Bars" Haley, who's winning by 23%. Please secede again, people. Please.
     In one of the unkindest cuts of all, with 5.5% reporting, Greg Abbott's beating Wendy Davis by about 20% in Texas.
     Believe it or not, The Koch Brothers Scott Walker's beating Mary Burke by 17% in Wisconsin.
(Update) OK, we need some good news, so here it is: Chris Coons regained a big lead with over the precincts reporting in Delaware.
     Shumlin should retain the Governor's seat in Vermont.
(Update) Proud Mary's not rolling in Louisiana. She's losing by 4.4%.
     The good news is Al Franken's winning in Minnesota by 17.2%.
     The bad news? Scott Brown just pulled ahead of Jean Shaheen by half a point in NH. Politico, which must be run by Bill Kristol tonight, called it for Shaheen hours ago.
(Update) Jean Shaheen's pulled ahead of Centerfold Scott by .4%. It'll be neck and neck until the last fucking vote's counted.
     Two years ago, Democratic women pulled our fat out of the fire. This year, the female incumbents are losing big (Landreiu and Hagan, with Shaheen fighting for her life.)
(Update) Some temporary good news: Hair Helmet Joni Ernst is losing by 6.6% in Iowa with 17.7% reporting in.
     Jean Shaheen's still clinging to a .6% lead over Scott Brown.
     Corey Booker should keep his seat in New Jersey by at least 12%.
     It was looking a little grim for Mark Warner in VA but so far he's holding off ed Gillespie by .4%.
(Update) OK, it's late and I've gotten just one hit in the last half hour. If you don't give a fuck about my doing this, then I don't either.
     Since it looks as if we're going to lose the Senate, after all, I guess I can sum up tonight thusly:
     Rick Scott, Greg Abbott, Scott Walker, Mitch McConnell won. Who'd we bag? Tom fucking Corbett.
     As of tonight, Barack Obama is officially a lame duck president and with Mitch McConnell as Senate Majority Leader... Well, if you thought the 113th Congress was the Do Nothing Congress, wait'll you get a load of how little will get done with McConnell and his neck wattles running the Upper Chamber during the 114th
     Seriously, in the balance, America really screwed the pooch on this one. Between Republican vote caging, gerrymandering, lackluster Democratic candidates and low voter turnout, it's amazing the Democrats fared as well as they have so far. What did we expect would happen?
     But I fully expect to wake up tomorrow to find that we did indeed lose the Senate because enough low information shitheels thought the party that shut down the government 13 months ago would be a better bet than the Democrats. Jesus fucking Christ, we are simply the stupidest fucking nation on earth. We should be ashamed of ourselves.
     This is JP signing off. May God have mercy on our withered souls.