As I'm sure everyone knows, the Powerball jackpot is currently at $1.4 billion. This more than doubles the previous record for a North American lottery jackpot and is roughly two and a half times the previous record Powerball jackpot. No doubt, by Wednesday's drawing the kitty will get up to at least a billion and a half bucks. In the statistically astronomical odds one person wins it, that would be a one-time gross payout of almost a billion dollars, automatically making that person one of the few thousand richest people on earth. In the event Mrs. JP and I are the sole winners of this largesse, here's what I'd do with my share of the money.
1) Bring Scott Weiland and David Bowie back to life. Seriously, there's no reason why these guys are dead while the Koch brothers, Paul Singer and Sheldon Adelson are still drawing breath at their age.
2) Buy a New York City literary agency. Seriously. Because that's the only way I'll ever get these fucking morons to submit my work to the Big Five publishers. I'd also institute some ground-breaking paradigm shifts, such as treating authors with respect, not ignoring them or sending out form letters through flunkies. Once word spreads throughout the writing community that they'll get a fair shake, they'd come flocking to us in no time and hopefully it would start a trend. Any one not on board gets shitcanned immediately.
3) Whatever my cat allows me to buy.
4) Hire Wesley Snipes' mercenary psychopaths to clean out the Malheur Wildlife Refuge of Ammon Bundy's mouth-breathing welfare queens.
5) Hire a legal dream team and sue the entire Bush administration in a massive civil lawsuit for crimes against humanity. Seriously, is there not one conscientious member of the 1% who has thought of this?
6) Hire a private eye so I can call up Mitt Romney just to laugh at him and call him a pauper.
7) Kiss Netzero goodbye forever and get a Cadillac wifi plan. Verizon's costs literally $7 a day, which a billion dollars would pay for for a few years.
8) Let's just say even the irascible and dyspeptic Bernie Sanders would be happy after a meet and greet with yours truly. What's a bigger nightmare to the right wing than a hippie liberal with a billion dollars in his pocket? One with a political action committee named COMMIEPAC.
9) Homeless shelters where they're most needed. We don't have one in our area and there are many other places that don't have one. Veterans, single mothers and whole families would be given priority. It would be tied in with job training programs and temporary health and dental insurance would be offered free of charge to guests.
10) Fund local school districts suffering from budgetary shortfalls. No kid should have to tearfully say goodbye to their clarinet or football uniform because a district's tax base shrinks or corrupt local officials think taking money from schools is a responsible spending offset.