Sunday, January 29, 2017

Now See Here!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)
The Honorable Donald J. Trump, Chancellor President of the United States
Trump Tower, New York, NY

Dear Mr. Chancellor President:
     Now see here, you've gone too far this time, Sir.
     This immigration policy of yours is well-meaning and all but I think it's high time you began reading the executive orders written and shoved under your nose by Steve Bannon. One of these days he's going to slip you one while you're straining to smile for the cameras authorizing him to spread-eagle Tiffany on the Resolute Desk and go to town on her and then where will you be?
     But speaking as a member of the under-represented 1%, the Silent Minority, I have to protest most vigorously, Sir, this draconian immigration policy that is resulting in riots at Dulles and JFK Airport in our fair city. Oh, I don't give a rat's ass about those with valid visas and green cards who whine and pule about wanting to be reunited with their families. They should've known they were getting into bed with a State Department that was run by one filthy rich Democrat or another and the last one didn't even have a Foundation to bribe.
     No, Sir, the thrust of my argument is the loss of cheap labor to American industry. And this "Don't Bother Showing Us Your Papers" immigration policy is not the way to Make America Great Again! Why, America was founded on slave and cheap labor. Do you not know your nation's history. Mr. Chancellor President?
     Who do you think harvested the tobacco and cotton in the Deep South back in the day? Who do you think built much of our transcontinental railroads right after the Civil War? Who mined our gold in the Great American Northwest? That's right, slave labor from Africa and China. And this proud tradition of using a cost-effective labor pool continues to fuel the juggernaut of American Big Business. And, to quote Mr. Jensen in Network, "You, sir, are fiddle fucking with forces beyond your control!" (That was in the Director's Cut.)

     Now, I can perfectly sympathize with your wet-legged trepidations about Muslims and Mexicans (I have a daughter, myself, and, as much as any white father would, I fear that one day my 39 year-old baby will get her cherry popped by some wetback from East LA in a bouncing '67 Chevy or taco truck. I just wish I could get her to stop fingering herself during Gilmore Girls reruns.).
     But the fact is, Mr. Chancellor President, that many businesses relying on the cheap labor offered by these desperate souls from Muslim-predominant nations looking for a slightly less repressive way of life in the US are still being awaited by the companies that had generously given them jobs. And you have caught them unawares.
     Do you not remember, Sir, back in 1980 when Trump Tower was being built? You and I strolled through the construction site and marveled at the amazing work ethic of the illegal Polish laborers you'd magnanimously imported from some ship-building town with a name ending in several consecutive consonants. We looked at those hardy souls who seemed barely cognizant of the machine gun-toting, ex Stasi security guards you'd also imported from East Germany. As we watched those Slavic souls toiling night and day for nearly minimum wage, you turned to me and said, "You know, Cecil, I'd be fucked running if it wasn't for these illegal Polacks. Thank God we have a porous immigration policy under that bleeding heart liberal redneck, Carter."
     Words you should now recall and take to heart, Mr. Chancellor President. After all, you had yourself benefited from cheap labor from people who talk funny and eat smelly food. Now it is your turn to return to the nation the same system of inexpensive labor that had so richly benefited you back in the day.

     Even though we come from the financial sector, my own family had once profited from such a system. You may remember my baby brother, Cecil (He was the one who was caught getting a little too chummy with your own kid brother Robert in 1981 during one of your family's annual barbecues). Back in the 90's Cecil opened up one of the first sex entertainment chat rooms in internet history. Of course, this was about 15,000 fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches ago, when Cecil still had most of his hair in the right places.
     So when he realized he couldn't get horny, rich Republicans like you to pay for private sessions with him at his site, he was inspired by your prior example and went to Eastern Europe on a "recruitment tour." He found at hostels many horny Polish and Russian college boys who were desperate for a way to pay down their tuition fees.
     Then when he turned these sex workers loose, that's when the money began rolling in! Who cares if many of them passed out from hunger in the act of self love? They were desperate, the labor was cheap and Cecil profited handsomely.
     Of course, the money came in real handy after ICE and the FBI busted into his SoHo loft one day as he was himself in an act of self love and it took my entire team of attorneys to save him from Riker's Island and gang rape (The poor boy, racked with guilt over his crimes, vigorously begged to be sent to Riker's even after hearing of the shower room rape problem.).
     Anyway, the point I'm making, Mr. Chancellor President is that this immigration policy is coming at a very bad time. Many production and project managers are figuratively standing in the middle of nearly deserted manufacturing floors, tapping their feet and watches and awaiting their hummus and falafel-munching labor to show up. And they're not making any money off them while they're getting body cavity searches at JFK's Terminal 4! For God's sake, Sir, think of the shareholders and your fellow executives as they drain their expense accounts buying crates of bicarb.
     I hope this letter finds you in a less paranoid state of mind and give my love to Melania. Tell her Cecil is still trying his best to reimburse her own kid brother for his hard work in the 90's. It may take a while as a Twink Coach doesn't pay what it used to.
     Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American

P. S. Do yourself a favor and ignore the liberal fake news stories about JFK's Terminal 4 drawing a bigger crowd than your inauguration. I tell you to ignore them because, well, they may be correct.
     CB, C-A


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