Get Off the President's Back, For Fuck's Sake!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

I just got done talking to Bill O'Reilly. You might remember him. He was one of the biggest stalwarts and hog warts of the conservative movement until some frigid women at Fox took too seriously his half-serious comments about warm showers, loufas and falafel sticks. Now, in the next exciting phase of his career, he's doing a podcast out of his mudroom (where, so he says, the acoustics are best). I feel sorry for the poor bastard, I really do, to see how far from right wing grace he has fallen. Really, for all my billions and influence on Wall Street and beyond, even I cannot get Bill back in his rightful place on the sound stage that had once proudly hosted The O'Reilly Factor. I don't see that happening unless the zombie of Roger Ailes comes shambling back and butt fucks Rupert Murdoch's withered carcass on BBC 1 during prime time.

     I do whatever I can to help out the poor old chap, even contributing a few bucks here and there in his Patreon, GoFundMe and Paypal accounts. The news on the O'Reilly homestead isn't all grim. Simon & Schuster, through its conservative imprint, Threshold Editions, had just bought the First North American Rights to Bill O's next deathless opus, Killing the Career of the Most Shockingly Brilliant Conservative Mind Since Bill Fucking Buckley. I hear tell Threshold made my pal Billy an offer he couldn't refuse: A $1000 advance against royalties and at least two guaranteed book signings in either a Bed, Bath and Beyond or a falafel shop within 10 miles of his house.

     But it's not the same and he knows it. While he enjoys scores of subscribers of his podcast, most of them faithful fans imported over from his halcyon days at Fox, it's not the same as seeing the Great Man's massive, balding head turn an unhealthy shade of pink while inveighing against what he accurately calls "liberal pinheads."

     So I thought I'd lift my old friend's spirits by calling in to his podcast last night since no one else wanted to. What follows is more or less a rough transcript of our podcast talk, one that I promise will never find its way onto a super duper secret White House server.

     "Hello, you're on."

     "Longtime fan, firstime caller. Billy boy, it's me, Cyril!"

     "Who?"

     "Cyril. Blubberpuss. You don't remember me?"

     "Oh yeah, yeah. What do you have on your mind, Cecil?"

     "Cecil's my kid brother."

     "Whatever. What's on your mind?"

   "I think these liberal pinheads ought to get off the president's back with this impeachment nonsense."

     "I agree. Those pinko Commies like Pelosi and Schiff are going to destroy America with all this left wing nonsense about the rule of law."

      "Exactly! I was telling that to my caddie the other day as I made him suck my golf balls clean."

      "What?!"

      "The ball cleaner was being used. Anyway, as my caddie was sucking my hard white balls, I was telling him there's only so much left wing nonsense and observing the rule of law the nation can stand at any one time. Now, for the first time in almost a half century, we have Americans looking up the definition of impeachment on Wikipedia when their time could be put to better use creating anti Obama and anti Clinton memes and sticking them on social media."

       "Right. While I don't have a problem with that, it ought to be mentioned neither of them are running next year,"

      "True. But remember, Bobby Kennedy jumped in late in 1968. The day after he won the California primary, my God, my father Anbrose had a hangover that lasted all June."

         "He was celebrating Kennedy winning?!"

         "No, for what Sirhan Sirhan did. Oops. Did I just say that on the air?"

         "Don't worry. No more than 50-60 people heard. Wait, it's NFL Sunday. Make that nine or 10."

         "Anyway, where do these pinheaded Democrat politicians going to get off their high horse and realize that leverage is an everyday fact in business and politics? Zelensky wanted and needed that $390 million in military aid that Congress gave him. Trump kinked the hose a bit. What's the big deal?"

         "That wasn't proven in the transcript the White House released."

         "Well, what the fuck does, 'I'd like you to do us a favor, though' usually mean when someone asks you for Javelin missiles?! Wait, can I say fuck?"

          "Well, yeah, but I wouldn't say it again. But I see your point, I guess, Cecil."

         "Cecil's my kid brother. You should remember. You were one of his biggest customers when he operated www.cecilsprays.com."

          "I'd like to forget that, Cyril! That long-haired kid from Poland had me fooled until he finally took off his pants, OK?"

          "If you say so, Bill O. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that the president is beset by enemies on all sides. Look at that Uncle Fester-looking motherfucker who claims he's Trump's lawyer."

           "Mayor Giuliani?"

          "Yeah, that's the one. How ironic is it he's being investigated by not only the FBI but also the same exact SDNY he'd once headed up?"

           "They can look but they won't find anything."

           "Right. That's why they can always count on two of Rudy's clients who were arrested at the airport like two bloated Jeffrey Epsteins and won't turn state's evidence looking for a plea deal. And I also trust Uncle Fester won't do the same to get a sweetheart deal from the SDNY for old time's sake. No, there's no way Giuliani will roll over faster than a corpse in the drink."

            "Uh, OK, we're running short on time. Cyril, it's good to hear from you..."

           "Just wanted you to know I'm a huge fan and I especially loved your inaugural podcast, 'Fuck it, we'll do it live!' Bill? Bill?"