Pencelensky!

(By Cyril Blubberpuss, Conservative-American)

That Mike Pence is a criminal genius!" I said as I just axed health care for everyone under the Board of Directors today. Why, behind that flat, shaved orangutan face of his that's perfectly suited to mold itself into whatever expression his superiors need at any second lies a political Al Capone!

     What else is there to say about a man who essentially strong-armed his way to Poland so Donald Trump was cheated out of another chance to ask Zelensky to dig up some dirt on Joe Biden? That was Pence who'd spoken to Zelensky on July 25th, not Donald Trump. You know how I know that? Because in the transcript, all the words are spelled correctly!

     Why do you think Pence is now saying he was unaware of the phone call, even though that perfectly-spelled transcript was given to him the next day and then again in his briefing packet before he usurped the president's role and forcing him to play golf while a hurricane was bearing down on him from several hundreds of miles away? Mikey knew exactly what the censored transcript said because those were his words!

        Asking a foreign nation to meddle in an election is blatantly illegal except if it's done by a white Republican billionaire president who was born in Jamaica Queens. When the Vice President does it, it's blatantly illegal, period! He probably even said to Zelensky, "The President wants you to dig up dirt on a guy who strictly by coincidence just happens to be President Trump's biggest political rival in next year's election. And, uh, he told me to tell you the $390,000,000 in military aid might take a little while if you don't play ball, capish?"

        Yes, I can perfectly imagine that bland-as-pablum moon-faced cocksucker saying that just so he can move out of the Naval Observatory and into the Oval Office!

     On a somewhat smaller scale, the same thing was done by my baby brother Cecil back in the days just before www.cecilsprays.com went live. And as it was in the early 90's before such sites became more common than kitten videos and flying toasters (My kid brother always was a trailblazer), Cecil had to set the tone for such sex chat rooms for the future. How to get a bunch of horny Republican men to shoot their own jizz and charge them $25 for every quarter hour for the privilege? Well, that required talent.

     Since Cecil had never left Manhattan until he happily went to Riker's Island, that made recruitment in Eastern Europe a problem. Recognizing this, our beloved late farther Ambrose decided to step in and help out in that area. As a young banker doing business in Stalin's Soviet Union (enjoying more than a nodding acquaintance with the moustached little munchkin dictator), dear old Dad still had some contacts in what used to be the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (the only Union he ever had use for), he knew who to reach when it came time for some professionnal persuasion, shall we put it.

        So, on dear Father Ambrose's initiative, these professional persuaders from the KGB's heyday fanned out all over Eastern Europe, specifically targeting youth hostels that were always filled with gorgeous young men on their way to universities all over Europe. After a few dozen nighttime, uh, acquisitionns, let's call it, the abandoned sex doll factory in old Yugoslavia that my kid brother had leased was gradually filled up with these European Adonises.

         Within days, the semi fluids began to flow as did the money into Cecil's bank account in Soho like milk and honey and it continued until the FBI and Customs burst into Cecil's apartment when he was in mid-ejaculation after some ungrateful whelp sawed off his own foot with a rusty saw blade to escape the shackle that held him in place.

          But the point I'm making is that my brother (who, strangely never wanted to leave Rikers even after all the horrifying stories we'd heard about prison shower rape) was nabbed in a sting operation carried out by liberals in the FBI for something guys in Eastern Europe did. He did not get nabbed for colluding with a foreign government because it isn't illegal even if it's done by the troubled son of a scion with a disturbed sexual history...

           ...or my baby brother Cecil.

           You're trying to investigate the wrong Vice President, Mr. President.