The News at a Furtive Glance

Doctors at Walter Reed Army Hospital conducted an MRI on President George W. Bush’s shoulder today. He also underwent minor surgery to remove the chip on it that had been implanted since cracking up the family car as a young man and challenging former President George H.W. Bush to a drunken fight.

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Five radical Islamists were convicted today of conspiring to kill soldiers at Ft. Dix, NJ. Says Bloomberg,

The government learned of the impeding attacks after the group asked a Circuit City Stores Inc. employee to transfer a video of them firing weapons and shouting “Allah Akbar” to a DVD. The phrase is Arabic for “God is great.” The employee tipped off FBI agents about the video.

Praise be God that such sly, discreet homegrown terrorists with no connection to the still at-large Osama bin Laden, a man who controls a terrorist organization that has mastered digital technology without any help from American corporations are now going to be supported by we taxpayers for the rest of our lives!

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20% of people polled by CNN said Dick Cheney is the worst Vice President in all of American history. Vice President Cheney’s office expressed its glass-half-full optimism by concentrating on the 1% who thought that Cheney was the best one ever.


Of course, that one respondent may be biased in Mr. Cheney’s favor. Cheney’s office called that vote of supreme confidence his “1% Mandate.”

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Also in Vice Presidential news, Mr. Cheney recently told Chris Wallace on Fox that a military aide follows Bush around with a “football” containing launch codes for nuclear missiles. Added Mr. Cheney,

He could launch the kind of devastating attack the world has never seen. He doesn't have to check with anybody. He doesn't have to call the Congress; he doesn't have to check with the courts. He has that authority because of the nature of the world we live in. It's unfortunate, but I think we're perfectly appropriate to take the steps we have.

Ah haaaa…














Suddenly, the complete lack of terrorist attacks since 9/11 is all starting to make sense.