And Why Are We Still Listening to This Other Asshat?

"Sarah Palin's absolutely the real deal. ... I don't want to say I felt a presence but she definitely had energy and she definitely went to work for American people, and it disgusts me on how often they try to bash her just for her sincerity." - Joe the Dumber

No doubt all of you have already been to the emergency room of your local hospitals having your sides stitched up during the annual CPAC confab. I really look forward to this every bit as much as any drooling 27%er because the attendees, and their statements, get more and more bizarre with each year. It's not surprising that, with a smaller-sized minority in Congress and a black Democrat in the White House, we're hearing ante-bellum rage spill over into the cushy lobbies and vestibules of the CPAC conference.

Look at the analog box bozo in this Youtube video. Why are even Republicans, let alone those of us who wouldn't flatline on an EEG, listening to a guy who, at his last book signing the night before last, sold a whopping five copies of his book, Lib'rals Are Fat, Stupid Dumbheads (Note to any potential agents still reading my proposal: If this man gets a contract allowing him to needlessly kill trees and subtract from the national intelligence quotient and I don't get a contract, I will personally bitchslap every one of you)?

Because that's what Joe would like to do to certain members of Congress. Bitchslap and even shoot them. Another mini Hal Turner heard from the peanut gallery.

You want to know how much Joe the Dumber has dumbed down the national intelligence quotient? This Pajamas Media hero last month said that the media shouldn't report the news and ought to be kept away from war.

Then at CPAC last night, Joe said that anyone who doesn't support the troops (Read: Fat, Stupid Dumbhead Libr'als) ought to be slapped. So, in Joe's sunbaked mind, lying the troops into a war unimaginably costly in both financial and human terms and allowing them to continue risking their lives for said long-discredited pack of lies while being ignored by the media is... supporting the troops. And he's the no-haired golden child of CPAC.

Okaaaaay.....

Joe the Plumber, here's the liberal response: You are a complete fraud through and through. Your name is not Joe and you're not even a licensed plumber, thereby making even the definite article "the" yet another misnomer. You are a tax fraud who, through some sinister machinations of the publishing business, was Velcroed to an agent then had a ghostwritten book rushed into print within mere months of the election while writers of actual talent toil for years in obscurity getting passed over through form rejection letters in favor of fucks like you.

Until you came along, Joe, it was impossible for me to imagine someone who's actually stupider than the William Hung of politicians, George W. Bush. Yet somehow, against all odds, you have taken an organ donor and made him look like William F. Buckley by conspicuous relief.

Speaking of your hero George W. Bush, how can anyone claim with a straight face that he, of all people, supported the troops? Walter Reed Army Hospital, under his outsourced stewardship, was turned into a Middle Ages abattoir of human misery. Even as he was sending the first wave of poor, deluded saps into Iraq, he proposed cutting their pay and his Pentagon sent them in harm's way and commanding them to wear inferior armor at the risk of losing their SGLI death benefits.

They were lied into an illegal war on the basis of WMD's and by the following year the man who sent them there had a comical slide show made of him looking under the Oval Office's furniture for those very same WMD's. Bill collectors are chasing them long after their discharge for leaving pieces of equipment and parts of their uniforms on the battlefield. We're sending their remains home as freight to save costs and have not, until President Obama lifted the ban, been allowed to have their flag-draped caskets to be photographed or for the families to be comforted by then-Senator, now Vice President Biden at Dover AFB.

Donald Rumsfeld couldn't even be bothered to personally sign the many, many letters of condolence that were sent out to thousands of grieving parents. They were rubber-stamped.

How does that in any, shape or form support the troops, Joe?

Addled Republican brains can only think in absolutes, in huge monolithic blocks. If you're critical of Israel, you're not merely an anti-Zionist, you're also an anti-Semite. By the same token, if you don't support the Iraq war, you're also not supporting the troops.

The very act of elevating you to national prominence by talking to you at a rope line alone may prove to be the biggest reason why Obama may not get re-elected in 2012.

You're still in your thirties, right, Joe? In that case, here's an idea in how you can support the troops: Become one of them. C'mon, go for it, Curly, before Obama pulls 'em out at the end of August 2010. Hell, you can make a real significant contribution to the war effort while actually supporting our troops by having you take point in patrols. We can even put you in a converted plumbing van heavily fortified with plywood and sand bags just like the unarmored Humvees that our boys and girls are still using. That ought to protect you against the inevitable IED's that kill our kids there more than anything else.

Or you can go to Afghanistan as a fucking diplomat, where your golden oratorical skills and silver tongue can work wonders with the Taliban that your pal Georgie just couldn't quite wipe off the face of the earth any more than he could wipe off the face of the earth the opium crops that finance their operations.

Then, assuming you'll survive either adventure, you can stand next to President Obama at his first State of the Union Address next year as a real national hero and we can laugh ourselves sick as he squeakily rubs your bald, fat head for good luck. Then you can bitchslap him and get shot in a hail of bullets by the Secret Service.

Because there's no hero like a dead hero or a martyr, right, Joe?