Douchebags on Parade

Today's runoff election to decide who will be the junior senator of Massachusetts features more douchebags than Amsterdam's red light district. In one corner wearing the blue trunks, you have douchebag extraordinaire Attorney General Martha Coakley, who hasn't had the slightest problem in her long legal career with putting the wrong people behind bars.

In the other corner, wearing nothing, is even bigger douchebag State Senator Scott Brown, a man who's so nakedly, dare I say it, corrupt that he would make Tom DeLay blush and genuflect.

Below the ring apron holding a folding chair and waiting for Coakley to turn her back is perhaps the biggest douchebag of all, "The Tea Party Candidate" Joseph L. Kennedy, no relation to the douchebag Kennedys of Hyannisport. Kennedy bristles at the thought of being called a "spoiler" (they all do) but the fact is this particular douchebag knows he hasn't a chance and is telling reporters he's hoping to leach off votes from the Coakley campaign.

Either way, if you're a registered Massachusetts voter, you have three choices of douchebags. The only question is which is the smallest douchebag and who would do the least damage to our commonwealth and our country as a whole.

How did we get to this sorry state? How can Massachusetts, with a Democratic governor, a Democratic majority in the state capitol on Beacon Hill, two Democratic senators for the last several decades and every one of our ten congressmen being Democrats, a state with the reputation of being the bluest of the blue states... how come we couldn't field a better Democrat during the primaries than Martha Coakley, a USA PATRIOT Act-loving bag o' douche who would put her own grandmother behind bars if she thought it would wring out one more misguided vote for her campaign?

Well, part of the problem is, despite enjoying an undeserved reputation for being navy blue on the partisan map, registered independents here actually outnumber Democrats. While Republicans are, as you would expect, in the minority, making up only 15% of our voting bloc, only 35% are Democrats. The other half are independents, independents who, for decades, voted in almost exclusively cut-and-run Republican governors, male versions of Sarah Palin, for decades on end.

Maybe the better-qualified Democratic candidates were reticent about stepping into Ted Kennedy's very big shoes and that's understandable. But personal timidity makes for a very poor excuse when a national health care bill is in very real danger of being shelved well into this year when Scott Brown has already vowed to be the spoiler without having even read the entire Senate version.

Perhaps every one of our congressmen were afraid of losing their seniority in the House and their chairmanships. Marty Meehan, my old congressman, certainly would've made a very good fit and he wouldn't have had anything to lose since he retired and went into education. And while I don't think Teddy's seat should be a family heirloom, his widow Vicki would've made an intriguing candidate.

But there are certainly others who were no more obscure than Scott Brown, a guy whose main claim to fame was having his bubble-brained daughter Ayla on American Idol, a show that demonstrates on a weekly basis more devotion to democracy than our own democratic process.

And look where we are now because not a single one of the state's qualified democrats decided to step up to the plate: Barack Obama's signature domestic issue is now up for grabs and breathless right wing pundits are saying a Coakley loss will cost him the authority of his still-nascent presidency. The President had to rush to Massachusetts this weekend on Bill Clinton's coattails to stump for a candidate who couldn't even safeguard a 30 point lead because more and more the few democratic voters still willing to vote for Coakley are turned off by her every time she opens her big mouth.

Massachusetts, once a hotbed of liberal lionism, the home of Ted Kennedy, Tip O'Neill and other liberal stalwarts, has become a pale synecdoche of the Democrats on Capitol Hill- timorous, spineless, wimpy and genuinely baffled when they see an Olympic-class douchebag like Scott Brown stick up his hazel snout like the maggot that he is and sniff the air of opportunity.

And because of that timorousness, tonight we will elect one douchebag to the United States Senate. Either it will be a nakedly, brazenly corrupt tool of Wall Street like Scott Brown and we can wave bye bye to any chance of passing even a modicum of health care reform or a police state-enabling douchebag like Martha Coakley who has been to crime in Massachusetts that George W. Bush was to terrorism recruitment. And to you spineless Democrats in my adopted state, I say,


Thanks, assholes. None of you have any right to complain who gets to fart in Teddy's old seat for the next six years.