Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Have a Republican Xmas, Pt 2

What better, more Christian and humane way is there to celebrate the birth of Christ, a man who renounced all possessions and preached unconditional love and charity, than to glut the hyperconsumerized retail industry and fund in the process causes, organizations and agendas that seek to glorify and subsidize militarization, suppress unconditional love, charity, peace as well as undermining child labor laws and all that good shit?

Because Republicans and conservatives who constantly scream about "partisan politics" when their moral turpitude and avaricious enterprises are dragged kicking into the light of day nonetheless have no problem in politicizing even Christmas and this annual holiday series here at Pottersville shows year after year that Republicans just never give it a fucking rest.

In the spirit of shedding light on this pathetic phenomenon, let's kick off this year's edition with this, an opportunity out of Arizona for your kids to have their picture taken with an armed Santa Claus. I guess all those times Santa and his eight tiny reindeer were shot out of North Korean and Soviet Russian air space radicalized him. Now he's taking his "naughty or nice" list to a whole new level! And this Scottsdale Santa won't tell any gunlovin' Ralphies that "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!" That would be liberal propaganda like when Obama wants to indoctrinate and radicalize our youth.

And in case any of your kids was inspired by the North Pole's deadliest elf and want to take it to the next level, there's this honest-to-God ghillie suit made for kids and for sale on Amazon.com, courtesy of Pine Creek Outdoors. Yes, for just $55 plus s+h, your kid can look like a rotting compost heap as he stalks his neighbors while cultivating revenge fantasies on his future high school just like American heroes and 2nd amendment icons Klebold and Harris.

Wait, not so fast! Before you leave Amazon.com, don't forget to check out this "Jesus Weeps When You Smoke" ashtray. Seriously, how can you put out your unfiltered Chesterfield on the face of our Lord and Savior, especially when his eyes are already artificially reddened by your rude second-hand smoke? True, I don't seem to recall the Stigmata being composed of cigarette burns from the Romans but what do I know?

Speaking of Jebus, in what is surely the hottest-selling gift this year for all ye faithful, Jesustoasters.com takes the randomness and squinting and matrixing out of your breakfast food. Now, every morning can be automatically blessed and the Holy Eucharist can now be automated and mass-produced with the push of a finger. Now, you can be holier than liberal heathens without the conflict of whether to eat the loving face of Jesus or selling His likeness on eBay.

Oops. Doesn't look like the DVD distributor for this year's bomb, Atlas Shrugged, didn't recall the entire first edition that described Ayn Rand's Objectivist ode to selfishness as "a timeless novel of courage and self-sacrifice." The DVD has since been repackaged with a new back cover that replaces "self-sacrifice" with "self-interest", which sounds a whole lot more in keeping with the theme of giving to others during the holidays. Incidentally, Randian law forbids you from buying it for others. You can only buy it for yourself.

Meanwhile at the GOP Store, the Reagan centennial is still going strong and has spawned a Republican cottage industry that's successfully mined millions off Reagan's rotting corpse. For instance, you can buy your loved ones this framed photograph of Reagan's second inaugural in 1985 when he decided to break from tradition when it got too cold outside. Forget the fact that you'd need an electron microscope to see the man of the hour. It's the thought that counts and a 27 year-old photo of a bunch of nobodies is certainly worth the $400 this snapshot will cost you.

Also from the GOP store: As a rebuke to those mean, nasty, hateful lib'ral naysayers who keep accusing Republicans of playing dirty pool, you can show them this picture of every Republican President in American history playing pool. A variation of last year's hit of Republicans playing poker, this instant classic is a steal at just $17. Although it's hard to imagine how even a guy who suspended habeus corpus on Confederate soldiers would want to play pool with at least five Republican war criminals who did their level-headed best to divide a country that Lincoln devoted his entire presidency to uniting.

As we prepare to reluctantly depart the GOP Store, take a gander at this. No visit here would be complete without the perfect symbol of not just the Republican Party but an apt one perfectly describing the GOP presidential field: An inflated, empty pachyderm. Why anyone would want this on their lawn or anywhere else is anyone's guess. I'd ask a republican for their thoughts on the subject but they're not exactly renowned for being the party of ideas beyond "Cut taxes!"

As the perfect way of dispelling the lib'ral notion that President Obama is a magnet for inbred rednecks, you might want to consider this racist magnet as a stocking (or hood) stuffer, courtesy of Cafe Press's proud Racist Gift line. For just $4, this neat little stocking stuffer would be perfect for any (hopefully white) refrigerator on which you can affix your kids' picture with an armed St. Nick or this year's liberal hunting permit.

Speaking of stocking stuffers... In case any of you were still wondering why the GOP presidential field is so amorphous and why there seems to be a new front runner every month, perhaps this bumper sticker will explain why: They'll vote for anybody as long as it isn't the Karl Marx wannabe in the WH. And if you know 50 Ford pickup owners, you can buy this pack of patriotic bumper stickers for $155 from Cafepress's right wing line (in Canada).

The Clare Boothe Luce Institute is selling its new 2012 calendar, which for some reason Sarah Palin doesn't ever seem to wish to be a part of. But luckily, even though America has been taken over by the vast left wing conspiracy, there are plenty of other libertarian lovelies to go around, including Anorexic Annie, Michelle "Our Lady of Manzanar" Malkin and two obscure Fox "News" talking heads! Personally, I can't think of a better and more enjoyable way of counting down to Armageddon on December 21, 2012.

A few years ago, I'd found a fetus Christmas bulb but if you're less like George W. Bush and more like Rick Santorum, you'll want this pewter fetus Christmas ornament courtesy of Flaming Lips. Now, instead of merely looking at an eponymous fetus that's every bit as much trapped in a plastic bubble as our 43rd president, this lovingly tactile unborn pewter snowflake baby can be touched, fingered and snuggled (umbilical cord and placenta extra).

Have a budding young college Republican in your household of the female persuasion? Well, Herobuilders.com has got that covered with Republican action figures of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann...

...and even an eponymous heroic schoolgirl in a skimpy plaid skirt in case your Republican hubby has some Kill Bill fantasies that he'd rather not share with the rest of the family.

(Bachmann action figure comes with lots and lots of extra baggage. Marcus Bachmann arm ornament not included.)


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