The President is Not a Catholic But Thanks For All the Fish

Dear Bishop Daniel Jenky-

I've read in the news of you calling President Barack Obama both Hitler and Stalin. This has unfortunately resulted in a typically liberal online petition that seeks to force you to either apologize to the president or to resign from your sinecure at Notre Dame. Personally, I think your only crime was overzealousness in attempting to get the President to abandon his Protestant roots and, in the process, to proselytize him into Catholicism. No doubt, you were encouraged by Mr. Obama throwing Reverend Jeremiah Wright under the wheels of the bus as if he was a slavering, brain-starved zombie during his presidential candidacy but I fear that you'd read too much into that. The President does that with anyone in his circle who angers the real fascists in American government.

Granted (the thrice-married, blow job-loving Newt Gingrich notwithstanding), this is a slippery slope, Bishop, in converting an elected American official who may already be set in his ways. Obviously, better minds than mine have already established the Vatican's brief but lovable flirtation with fascism and aiding and abetting Adolph Hitler's ceaseless attempts to gentrify Europe of a common unwelcome presence ("Der Juden", I think Pope Pious XII used to call them until the spring of 1945). But I doubt that Mr. Obama is unready or unwilling to take that giant step into outright popery and, in the process, becoming the nation's first black fascist papist chief executive, even if John F. Kennedy beat him in the Catholic presidential derby. Plus, JFK was a bad fascist and almost as bad a Communist.

(Just as a personal aside, some querulous liberal naysayers will harp on the fact that you called our President both a far left and a far right extremist in some attempt to unite the nation. Do not listen to the unchurched liberals. It was a valiant attempt at ecumenical unity since insisting on believing President Obama is a Communist on a par with Stalin is something shared by both sides of our Great Ideological Divide.)

Unfortunately for the RCC, getting in bed with the Nazis turned out to be the world's deadliest fad (next to nude skydiving, which I won't get into). But the Vatican did play its part in the ransoming of the Jewish people in Rome in which 70 pounds of gold were ransacked from the Jewish community even though the RCC could've gotten that much by pulling the gold thread from his pajamas and melting down the Pope's cutlery. Thousands of Roman Jews were rounded up, anyway, never to be seen again and all Pope Pious XII had to do was physically step outside to prevent the roundup (I heard he was in the bathroom with irritable bowel syndrome, a cause for much regret, I am sure, until the Pontiff's death in 1958).

Perhaps it was just as well, since Pious and Hitler were such close buddies. No doubt, if Facebook was around back then, they would've been fast friends. It would've been something like, "Adolph Hitler updated his status: Exterminated another 5000 Jews at Dachau and Buchenwald. The gas bill for those fucking ovens will be murder. LOL. A fascist's work is never done." "Pope Pious XII updated his status: Oh, Adolph, you're so naughty! LOL. God bless you, anyway."

Therefore, while it may be commendable to try to make President Obama the next Hitler, I am afraid that he may not have an appetite for the body and blood of Christ (I hear he's more a Five Guys Burgers and Fries and beer fan than wafers and bad white wine). However, if our current Pontiff has his way, no doubt he will pick you up and make an appeal on his own initiative, if his salad days in popery back in the real Hitler's day is an accurate indication.

Yours in and out of Christ, up and down, north, south, east, west of the Vatican and thereabouts,

Jurassicpork