Romney Closes Asshole Gap With Obama

With former Senator Rick Santorum now out of the picture, the GOP presidential nomination now appears to be Mitt Romney's for the taking, leaving the former Massachusetts Governor free to close the asshole gap with the President.

Obnoxious Republican rectums were slower to embrace Mr. Romney than obnoxious Democratic rectums who had long since embraced President Obama.

"The man's a Brooks Brothers mannequin that would give George Romero the creeps," said Republican asshole Joe Bob Turley of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, "but damn it, if God wanted a black president of the United States, he'd've done made us all black."

With Mr. Santorum suspending his campaign, it's expected that Mr. Romney will pick up the remaining asshole delegates he needs for the nomination, thus sparing America the spectacle of a brokered convention and the Republican Party the embarrassment of picking up those assholes again from scratch with a new nominee. The Super Assholes, aka the super delegates, have already signaled that Mr. Romney had sucked them up.

Liberal assholes supporting Mr. Obama were more effusive in their praise for the incumbent.

"Sure," said Susie Kovalek of Queens, New York, "the President has ordered the assassination of American citizens without due process, protected the war criminals of the Bush administration, gave Wall Street and the 1% one tax break after another while freezing pay for federal workers for two years, undermined unions, ramped up Afghanistan, kept us in Iraq for three more years, bloated private industry, reserved for himself the right to indefinitely detain any American citizen on a whim and smashed to fucking smithereens every one of his campaign promises while employing lobbyists, corporate CEOs and vacuuming up corporate cash. But he, like, killed bin Laden and he's handsome. Like, stop being so judgmental. Nobody's perfect. You're just a racist if you don't think he's doing a good job."

The liberal asshole was then pepper-sprayed and stuffed into an NYPD paddy wagon presumably for walking past Zuccotti Park.

A recent followup Zogby poll showed that almost 50% of uncommitted conservative assholes from one month ago now planned on voting for Mr. Romney despite the republican nominee's slowness in proving he's human and the entire Romney clan coming off as unforgivably rich aliens embarking on a boring invasion. Mr. Obama, on the other hand, had already closed the liberal asshole gap by getting over 90% of the yawning left wing rectums' support early on.

The narrowing in the asshole gap promises the usual two man race and Mr. Romney essentially having the GOP field to himself means right wing rectums are now less conflicted over who they will eventually use to vote against Mr. Obama. The 55-60% of the electorate who do not self-identify as assholes are likely to remain home on Super Tuesday.